There Is No Blame; There Is Only Love

When Ann Karasinski discovered her daughter was a heroin addict, she struggled to understand how it happened. Instead of answers, Karasinski found a belief that helps her continue to love her daughter.

Welcome to This I Believe, and NPR series presenting the personal philosophies of remarkable men and women from all walks of life.

I believe in figuring out my own way to do things.
I believe in the power of numbers.
I believe in barbecue.
Well, I believe in friendliness.
I believe in mankind.

This I Believe. On Mondays we bring you our series This I Believe. And today a retried school psychologist tells a painful story about love. Here's our series curator Jay Alison.

In the essays we received there was often an exchange of belief between generations. Writers discribe // their parents is the source of their conviction and parents write of the beliefs they've required in raising their children. But sometimes that acquisition is painful as it was for Ann Karasinski. Here she is with her essay for This I Believe.

You don't expect your child to grow up to be a heroin addict. From the moment of her birth you have hopes and dreams about the future. But they never include heroin addiction. That couldn't happen to your child. Because addiction is the result of the bad environment, bad parenting. There is most definitely someone or something to blame. That's what I used to believe. But after I failed to rehab in long periods of separation form my heroin-addicted daughter, after years of holding my breath waiting for another relapse. I now believe there is no blame.

After Katie admitted her addiction, I struggled to understand how this could have happened to my daughter, a bright, beautiful, talented and most importantly loved young woman. When the initial shock were off, I analyzed and inventoried all the whys and hows of Katie's addiction. I searched for someone or something to blame. I blamed her friends, I blamed her dad, I blamed our divorce. But mostly I blamed myself. My desperate heart convinced me that I should have prevented Katie's addiction and that given another chance I could correct my mistakes.

When Katie came home form rehab I approached each day with the zeal of a drill sergeant. I championed the 12-step program and monitored her improvement daily. As though curing heroin addiction was as simple as nursing a cold. I drove her to therapy sessions and AA meetings. I controlled everything and left nothing to chance. But in spite of my efforts, Katie didn't get better. She left my home, lost again to the powerful grip of addiction.

In the long days, weeks and months that followed, I gathered bits and pieces of old beliefs and tried to assemble them into something whole. Sometimes I gave up and sometimes I simply let go. Gradually, my search for blame changed to a longing for hope. I comforted myself with the only thing that still connected me to my daughter---love. I thought about Katie every day and I missed her. I cried and worried about her safety and whereabouts. I wrote letters I knew she'd never see. Sometimes I woke up panickied in the middle of the night, certain that my mother's intuition was preparing me for something bad. But through it all, I loved her. I don't know why or how my daughter became addicted to heroin. I do know that it doesn't really matter. Life goes on and Katie is still my daughter.

Katie and I meet for breakfast on Friday mornings now. we drink coffee and talk, I don't try to heal her, I just love her. Sometimes there is pain and sorrow, but there is no blame. I believe there is only love.

Ann Karasinski with her essay for This I Believe. Karasinski's daughter Kate is in recovery now and is not using drugs. Ann showed her this essay and Kate said maybe someday she'd like to write one, too. All invite you to do so to find out more and see what others have written, visit our website NPR. Org. For This I Believe I'm Jay Alison.

This I Believe continues next Monday on NPR, all things considered with an essay about tradition.

Support for This I Believe comes from Kampala University.

This I Believe is produced for NPR by This I Believe incorporator Atlantic Public Media. For more essays in the series please visit NPR.org slash This I Believe.

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