The One Where Rachel Is Late


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Written by: Shana Goldberg Meehan
Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Central Perk.]

Ross: Hey what you guys looking at?

Joey: Oh its a poster for that world war one movie that im in, check it out.

Ross: Yeah wo it looks really VIOLENT!

Joey: I know, i coming soon to a theatre near you, im in THX, im unsuitable for children!

Ross: Man i cannot wait to see this.

Joey: Yeah yeah its already generating oscar buzz.

Phoebe: I started that!

Joey: i thought i did, Oh hey guess what i just talked to my agent and the premiere is next week, and your all invited

Everyone: [Excited] Oh great.

Monica: Are we going to take a limo?

Joey: Sure! Why not?

Monica: I love taking a limo when nobody died.

Rachel: Well, obviously, I won?t be able to come. For those of you who haven?t checked your calendars, today?s my due date!

Everyone: Oh. yeah [suttle laughing]

Rachel: Well, I just wanted to take a moment and thank you guys for how great you?ve been during this time. I couldn?t have done it without you. And I have loved these last nine months! I am so looking forward to the next part. I am really going to miss being pregnant.

[Cut to the next day or so. Central Perk. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: That?s right, still no baby. Come on, people, make some room!

(Ross gets out of his chair.)

Ross: Oh, sweetie, maybe you?d be more comfortable here.

Rachel: (mad) You... Like you haven?t done enough.

Ross: But, I, I know how miserable you are. I wish there were something I could do. I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses, it?s the male...they carry the baby. (Rachel glares some more) And then, also, I?d be far away in the sea.

(He sits back down. Joey, Monica and Chandler move over on the couch and Rachel sits.)

Rachel: God. Whoa. I have never been so uncomfortable in my whole entire life.

Phoebe: Oh, I?ve been there. I remember, towards the end -

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, that?s a great story. Could you tell it to me while you?re getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe goes to the counter) Ooh... Oh, God, get out! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!!!

Chandler: [something]

(They all get up except for Rachel.)

Opening Credits


[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Joey, Chandler and Phoebe are there. Rachel enters and sighs.]

Chandler: Hey! Did you have the baby yet?

Rachel: Do you want me to come over there and sit on you, cause I?ll do it.

Monica: What are you doing here so early?

Rachel: They sent me home from work. They were like, ?Start your maternity leave early. Just rest. Get ready for the baby.? Y?know what, screw ?em. They don?t want me there, I?ll just hang out with you guys.

Phoebe: Or, you could do volunteer work.

(Joey?s cell rings.)

Joey: Hello.

(Cut to Estelle.)

Estelle: Joey, it?s Estelle. Great news. I got up and one guest tickets to the premiere.

(Cut to Joey, back and forth whenever they talk, and so on.)

Joey: One guest?! You said I could have six tickets.

Estelle: Oh, I sold four of them on Ebay. (Joey looks upset) You?ll be sitting next to HotGuy372.

Joey: Oh my God, so that?s it? I only get to bring one guest?

Estelle: What time you wanna pick me up? ...hello?

Joey: (to the gang) Did you hear that? I only get one ticket to the premiere, so I have to pick between you three and Ross.

Rachel: But what, what about me?

Joey: You said you didn?t want to go.

Rachel: I don?t. But I would still like to be acknowledged. What, just because I?m pregnant, I?m invisible?

Joey: Definitely not invisible.

Monica: Well, y?know, Ross didn?t care enough to be here, so I think he?s out. You snooze, you lose.

Chandler: He?s not snoozing, he?s teaching a class.

Monica: Somebody?s snoozing. Uh, Joey, not that this should affect you at all, but if you pick me...I was planning to wear a sequin dress, cut down to here.

(She shows him.)

Chandler: I haven?t seen this dress.

Monica: Star in a movie.

Phoebe: Joey, you pick whoever you want. Listen to your heart telling you. ?Phoe-be, Phoe-be.?

Joey: Well, uh, I think I wanna take Chandler.

Phoebe: Phoe-be, Phoe-be, (speeds up) Phoe-be, Phoe-be, Phoe-be.

(She makes the no heart rate noise.)

Chandler: You really wanna take me?

Joey: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I?m sorry. I wish I could take everybody, but Chandler?s always supported my career. He?s always paid for acting classes and headshots and stuff. I mean, all this will be my way of paying you back.

Chandler: So you?re never going to actually pay me back?

Monica: Hey, just because he paid for your headshots, you?re going to take him? I, I don?t think you?re comprehending just how slutty this dress is!

Joey: Y?know, it?s not just the stuff you paid for! I mean, it?s everything, you know? He read lines, he, he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous. He consoled me after I didn?t get parts that I really wanted. He always believed in me, even, even when I didn?t believe in myself.

Chandler: I always knew you were going to make it. I?m so proud of you.

Phoebe: Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.

Joey: All right, I?m gonna go shave.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I?m gonna go spit.

(They leave to get their dignity back. Rachel gets up.)

Rachel: Uh, I have to go pee. If I don?t come out in five minutes, it?s because I?ve choked to death on the potpourri stink.

(She goes in the bathroom.)

Phoebe: When she comes out, you hold her nose and I?ll blow her mouth and the kid will just (makes pop noise) right out of her.

Monica: She?s over a week late. She?s gotta have it today, right?

Phoebe: I don?t know. I think it?s still gonna be awhile.

Monica: Care to make it interesting? I bet you that she will have it by this time tomorrow.

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Ok, how much?

Phoebe: One hundred thousand dollars.

Monica: How about fifty bucks?

Phoebe: Fine. I?ll call [???] and move some money around.

Rachel: (from the bathroom) All right, whose turn is it to help me get up?

Phoebe: No one?s here! (realizes) Oh dammit.

(She goes to help Rachel.)

[Scene: The premiere. Cameras, people, the whole deal. The signs says World Premiere, ?Over There.? I guess this the movie Joey was working on when Chandler and Monica got married. Chandler and Joey get out of the limo.]

Chandler: This is so exciting. There are cameras, people taking our picture. How do I look?

(He straightens his collar.)

Joey: A little tall.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Would you mind crouching down a little bit so I look taller? (Chandler does.) There you go.

Chandler: It?s just so glamorous.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Rachel enters.]

Phoebe: Oh, hey. Well, Mon, Rach is here. Still pregnant. Uh, I?m sorry, I know how uncomfortable you are. You know what, you look great.

Rachel: Oh, thank you.

Phoebe: (to Monica) Fifty bucks.

Rachel: Oh, I have to go pee. Apparently, this baby thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy.

(She goes in the bathroom.)

Monica: Dammit. Dammit. Here?s fifty bucks.

(She gives it to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: I see that you lost. I forget, do you like to lose?

Monica: Oh, stop it! Double or nothing, that she has it by tomorrow.

Phoebe: Fine! You?re on. Until then, General Grant, why don?t you set up camp, right here.

(She puts the bill down her shirt. Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here, we have a doctor?s appointment.

Monica: She?s in the bathroom.

Ross: We have to go.

Rachel: (bitchy) IN A MINUTE!!!!

Ross: People ask me why we?re not together. I don?t know what to tell them.

(Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: All right, all right. Let?s go.

Ross: Uh, do you want to change first? The doctor?s keeping the office open late, so if you hurry...

Rachel: I?m fine.

Ross: Really, don?t you think that?s a little inappropriate?

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: Good God, man, don?t anger it.

Rachel: Ross, it?s one hundred degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat capable -

Ross: Oh ok, whatever you want. Ok, you?re the mommy.

Rachel: Uhuhuhuh, pal, don?t call me mommy, if you call your own mother that.

(She leaves.)

Monica: I?m actually with her on this one.

(Ross leaves.)

[Scene: The premiere, inside the theatre. Joey is watching the movie.]

Joey?s Character Whose Name I Forgot: I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along.

Joey: Ok, this is it. There?s a fight scene coming up.

(Chandler?s asleep with his mouth open.)

Joey?s Character: ...and the 82nd Ground Division...

[Scene: The doctor?s office. Ross and Rachel are waiting.]

Rachel: Ross.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Can I ask you something? When Carol was pregnant with Ben...

Ross: Umm hmm?

Rachel: Were you this irritated?

Ross: ...wow.

Rachel: ?Scuse me?

Ross: Nothing, it?s just, uh, you?ve been a little short with me lately. I?m not trying to irritate you.

Rachel: Well, then you must just have a natural talent for it.

Ross: Y?know what, the doctor will be in soon. Why don?t we not speak?

(Rachel mouths ok.)

Rachel: Seriously, [something].

Ross: You know, we should ask the doctor if she knows how to deliver a baby that?s half human, half pure evil!!

(Dr. Long enters.)

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi, Dr. Long, how are you?

Ross: You?re nice to her.

Rachel: She has the drugs.

Dr. Long: We?ll do a quick check.

Rachel: Ok.

Dr. Long: Eight days late, huh?

Rachel: Yeah.

Dr. Long: You must be getting a little uncomfortable.

Rachel: A tad.

Dr. Long: Well, you?re about eighty percent [???], so you?re on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you?re anxious, there are some ways to help you along.

Rachel: Do them!

Dr. Long: Actually, there are things you could do. Just some home remedies. In my experience, I?ve found that some of them are very effective.

Rachel: I?m ready to try anything.

Dr. Long: Ok. An herbal tea you can drink. You could take some castor oil. There?s eating spicy food.

Rachel: We?ll do all of those.

Dr. Long: Taking a long walk.

Rachel: Good, done.

Dr. Long: And then, there?s the one proved most effective. Sex.

(Rachel glares at Ross.)

Ross: You?ve got to be kidding!!

(Rachel takes a look at the booklet.)

Commercial Break


[Scene: The premiere. Credits music...applause. Chandler wakes up.]

Chandler: Good job, Joe, well done, top notch.

Joey: You liked it, you really liked it?

Chandler: Oh, oh yeah!

Joey: Which part?

Chandler: The whole thing!

(They get up.)

Joey: Whoa, give me some specifics.

Chandler: I loved the specifics. The specifics were the best part!

Joey: Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo? Did you, did you like that part?

Chandler: I was surprised to see a kangaroo...in a World War One epic.

[Yep, he did the stress thing.]

(Joey nods.)

Joey: (angrily) You fell asleep!!! There was no kangaroo. They didn?t take any of my suggestions. Thanks a lot for coming, buddy. See ya later.

(He leaves.)

Chandler: I?m sorry. I?m so sorry. (points) Look, this guy fell asleep. He fell asleep too, be mad at him!! (the guy doesn?t look so good) Or, call an ambulance.

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are on the couch. Phoebe and Monica enter.]

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hi!

Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby?s going to come?

Rachel: No, but she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.

Ross: Yeah, we went for a walk, herbal tea, castor oil, spicy food. nothing worked.

Rachel: Well, there was something else that we didn?t try, but someone thinks (mimics Ross) ?that will open up a can of worms!?.

Monica: Well, what is it, what is it? If it can help bring the baby here, like today, I think that you should do it.

Ross: It?s sex.

Monica: Do it!

Ross: Monica!

Monica: I?m just saying, it?s been a really long time and women have needs. [something]

Phoebe: Oh, I, I, I don?t know about that. Anyway, if you two had sex, the repercussions could be catastrophic.

Monica: All right, let?s think about it. If Ross isn?t willing to do it, he isn?t the only guy in the world who could have sex with you. You could borrow Chandler. Chandler is good.

Ross: Monica, what is the matter with you?!

Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.

Rachel: Why, why are you doing it?

Monica: Oh, fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you?re gonna have the baby and I don?t want to lose again!

Ross: (to Phoebe) While she?s been going through this hell, you?ve been making money?! Betting on your friend staying in this misery?

Rachel: I?ll take that bet.

Ross: What?!

Rachel: I?m miserable here. I might as well make some money out of it.

Ross: Can I get some of that action?

Monica: Wait a minute, so now I?m betting against all three of you?

Rachel: Monica, I really feel like tomorrow is the day.

Monica: Oh, ok!

(Rachel mouths to Ross and Phoebe, no.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Sleeping Beauty!

Chandler: Where have you been? I tried to call you. I have to talk to you.

Joey: Aw, are you upset? Did you lose sleep?

Chandler: I?m so sorry.

Joey: Uh uh. The only reason I came over here is to settle things between us. You?ve done a lot for my career and I wanted to pay you back, by taking you to the premiere, but you missed it!! Ok, so how much do I owe you?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Give me a number or I don?t owe you anything.

Chandler: You don?t owe me anything and I don?t want you to -

Joey: Ahahahah, we?re doing this. Now, you got me my first set of headshots. How much were those?

Chandler: Uh, I don?t know. $500.

Joey: Ok, 500. What else?

Chandler: Well, I got you the second set because the first set were the booger headshots.

Joey: Ok, so that?s another 500. That?s 500 plus 500, so that?s...

(He ponders that math problem for a moment.)

Chandler: Do you want me to get you a calculator?

Joey: Please.

(Chandler hands him one.)

Chandler: Here.

(Joey punches it in and laughs.)

Joey: What else?

Chandler: Uh, acting classes, stage combat classes, tap dancing classes.

Joey: We?re keeping that under our hats.

Chandler: And then there was that dialect coach who was helping you for the play where you needed a southern accent. After twenty hours of lessons, it still came out Jamaican.

Joey: What the hell are you talking about? (bad Jamaican accent) The south will rise again, man!

Chandler: Yes, money well spent.

Joey: Yeah. (types that in) Ok, what else? Rent!

Chandler: Two, three years of rent, utilities, food.

Joey: Ok. (tap) Ok. (tap) Ok. (tap tap tap) So I?m writing you a check for...So, you fell asleep during my movie... Big deal, right? How do you clear this thing?

(He hits a button several times.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. They?re eating spicy food.]

Ross: Come on, finish your enchilada.

Rachel: Ross, we tried all the spicy food. It?s not working.

Ross: Try one of these peppers. (he gives it to Rachel, who eats it with no problem) Oh, so hot. Hot... Oh... (rubs eyes) By the way, you don?t wanna touch the pepper and then touch your eye.

Rachel: I?m feeling nothing.

Ross: Oh...oh...

Rachel: Speaking of hot, watching you do that, really makes me wanna have sex with you.

Ross: Stop it.

Rachel: Come on. Ross, why are we wasting any time with all this other stuff? We know it?s going to work! It?s doctor recommended.

Ross: I?m sorry, but we have to have some boundaries. My God, I?m dying.

Rachel: Come on, Ross, we?ve done it before, we can do it again. It?ll be a nice way to close the pregnancy!

Ross: This isn?t sane. I?m not going to make love to you just so you?ll go into labor.

Rachel: Make love, what are you, a girl?

Ross: Always a great way to get into a man?s pants.

Rachel: You will be performing a service. Just think of me as a ketchup bottle, you know? You bang on the end of it just to get something to come out?

Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

Rachel: Uh, I know it, you?re right. That?s not sexy. (drops fork) Oh, whoops, I seem to have dropped my fort. Let me just bend over and get it. (bends over with great difficulty) Oh! Oh God!!

Ross: Are you ok? This is, this is never going to happen.

Rachel: Oh, come on, Ross. I?m miserable here! You started this, now you finish it!! Come on, wuss, make love to me.

Ross: You know what?

Rachel: What?

Ross: Forget it.

Rachel: Oh, whoa, what, Ross, you?re not going to [???]? How on earth will you ever annoy me? Oh wait a minute, know. (snores) I mean, you?d think the damn jalapeno would have cleared up your sinuses, but nooo. That?s not enough. (He suddenly grabs her and kisses her) Hey!

Ross: I?ll get that baby out of you!!!

(They commence kissing.)

Rachel: Oh God...

Ross: I know.

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. I think my water just broke.

Ross: I am good! Ok, I?ll tell you what.

Rachel: Ok, ok.

Ross: I?ve got the pillow. (grabs one off a chair) I?ve got the bag. (grabs it off the floor) You got the keys?

Rachel: I?ve got the keys. Ok, ok. Oh.

(They smile and hold hands.)

Ross: We?re having a baby.

(They hug and kiss.)

Rachel: I didn?t really have time to read this part of the book, but do you think we have time to -

Ross: Not so much.

(He opens the door.)

Rachel: Ok.

(They leave.)

Closing Credits


[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s kitchen. Monica and Phoebe sit there. Monica is paying Phoebe.]

Monica: Two hundred.

Phoebe: Thank you.

Monica: That?s it. I don?t care when the baby comes. No more betting. (phone rings) Hello? (listens) Uh huh. (listens) Uh huh. (listens) Ok! (hangs up) I guess we could bet one more time.

Phoebe: Is Rachel having the baby?

Monica: How did you know that?!!! (calls across the hall) Joey, Chandler, it?s time!!

Phoebe: They?re at the coffee house.

Monica: You know everything!! (grabs her stuff) Double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds...I bet you it has hair! I bet you it?s a girl!

Phoebe: We know it?s a girl.

Monica: I?ll give you really good odds.

End