The One With the Cooking Class

Transcribed by: Dana Klein Borko

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[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are there. Ross enters with a stack of newspapers.]

Ross: Hey, you guys, I got some bad news.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Oh, that?s not way to sell newspapers. Why don?t you try ?Extra! Extra! Read all about it!??

Ross: No, Monica?s restaurant got a horrible review in the Post.

Phoebe / Rachel: Ohhh.

Ross: Yeah, I didn?t want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find.

Joey: Man, this is bad. And I?ve had my share of bad reviews. I still remember my first good one though. ?Everything in this production of Our Town was simply terrible. But Joey Tribbiani was abysmal [extremely bad.]?

(Monica enters.)

Monica: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Oh my God, look at all the newspapers. It must be a good review. Is it great?

Ross: Umm...

(Phoebe looks uncomfortable. Monica reads one.)

Monica: Oh dear God.

Ross: But the good news is that no one in a two block radius will ever know.

Monica: What about the rest of Manhattan?

Ross: Yeah, they all know.

Monica: Oh my God, this is horrible.

Chandler: I?m so sorry.

Monica: I?m so humiliated.

Rachel: Yeah, but you know what they say, Mon? There?s no such thing as bad press.

Monica: And you don?t think that, uh, ?The chef?s mahimahi was awful-awful? is bad press? Huh?

Rachel: ...I didn?t write it!

Monica: Well, is he right? Am I really awful?

All: No.

Joey: Hey, hey, Monica, you listen to me, all right? And I?m not saying it because I?m your friend, I?m saying it because it?s the truth. Your food is abysmal.

Opening Credits


[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. It?s night and Rachel is sitting on the couch in the dark. Ross comes out.]

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What?!! What?

(He turns on the light.)

Rachel: I am freaking out.

Ross: Are ya?

Rachel: Yeah. My due date is in one week.

Ross: What are you doing up?

Rachel: That?s seven days!

Ross: I had a lot of water before I went to bed. Can we do this after I -

Rachel: No, no, no, Ross! Please, come on, we do not have any of the big stuff we need. We do not have a changing table, we do not have a crib, we do not have a diaper service.

Ross: It?s funny that you should mention diapers.

Rachel: I?m serious.

Ross: Ok, look, there?s nothing to worry about. We have plenty of time. There?s a baby furniture store at West 10th. Tomorrow we will go there and we will get you anything that you need.

Rachel: Ok, thank you. That?s great. Wait, wait, where in West 10th, because there?s like a really great shoe store that had -

Ross: Ok, if, uh, if you?re gonna do this, then I?m going to do that...

Rachel: Oh, wait, Ross, one more thing. Our situation, uh, what we mean to each other. I mean, we?re having this baby together, we live together, isn?t that, isn?t that weird?

(Ross thinks about it.)

Ross: Well, uh...

Rachel: I?m just kidding. You can pee!

(He runs into the bathroom.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. They?re in the kitchen. Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey, Monica, I can?t remember. Did I say we were going to meet here, or at the movie?

Monica: At the movies, but -

Joey: Ok, I?ll see you later.

(He starts to leave.)

Monica: Joey, now that you?re here...

Joey: Sure, I can hang out until I have to go meet ya. What, uh, how come you?re not going?

Chandler: I can?t, I have a job interview that I have to get ready for.

Joey: You already have a job.

Chandler: And people say you don?t pay attention. No, this is a much better job. It?s the vice president of the company that does data reconfiguration and statistical factoring for other companies.

Joey: Wow, how do you know how to do that?

Chandler: That?s what I do now.

Monica: Ok, Joey, come taste this. Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? (feeds Joey a spoonful) Well, I?m getting my revenge.

Joey: You cooked him?

Monica: No. He teaches a food criticism course at the New School, so, before we go to the movies, I?m going to go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Uh, I cannot wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow. ?Restaurant Reviewer Admits, I Was Wrong About Monica.?

Chandler: The front page?

Monica: Umm hmm.

Chandler: You really do live in your own little world, don?t you?

[Scene: The baby furniture store, Little Stars. Ross pushes a full cart up to the register.]

Katie: Do you want these things delivered, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Geller?

Ross: Uh...

Rachel: No, no, no. No...no. Uh, we?re not married.

Ross: Uh, we?re having a baby together, but we?re not involved. I mean, we were, were seeing each other a while ago, but then we were just friends. One drunken night - Or, yes, stranger, we?d like this delivered, please.

Katie: Why don?t you fill out this address card?

Ross: Oh, ok.

(He starts filling it out.)

Katie: I noticed you purchased a lot of our dinosaur items.

(She holds out an orangey-red stuffed dinosaur.)

Rachel: Uh yeah, that?s one of the reasons why we?re not together.

Ross: I chose those. I?m a paleontologist.

Katie: Really? That is so cool.

Rachel: Oh, uh, don?t get too worked up over it. It sounds like he?s a real doctor, but he?s not.

Katie: Oh, no, no, I?m fascinated by paleontology. Have you read the new Walter Alvarez book?

Ross: Actually, I teach it to my classes.

Rachel: Oh my God, I am standing at a cash register, I?m holding a credit card, and I?m bored.

Katie: Oh, lovely neighborhood. There?s a great gym right around the corner from there.

Ross: That?s my gym.

Katie: I can tell you work out. (Ross is flattered and Rachel is about to laugh) A paleontologist who works outs. Like Indiana Jones.

(Ross considers it.)

Ross: I am like Indiana Jones.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hi. Um, how did baby shopping go?

Rachel: It was great. Oh, and Ross almost got something that wasn?t on the list. A whore.

Phoebe: What?!

Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff, and this saleswoman just started flirting with him. Can you believe it?

Phoebe: Well, did she know you two weren?t married?

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh my God. Well, the idea of a woman flirting with a single man, we must alert the church elders!

Rachel: No, you don?t understand. You don?t see how brazen she was.

Phoebe: It sounds like you?re a little jealous.

Rachel: No, I?m not! I, I just think it?s wrong. I mean, here I am, about to pop, and there he is, picking up some salesgirl at Sluts ?R? Us?

Phoebe: Is that a real place Are they hiring?

(Chandler enters.)

Chandler: Hi Phoebe, Fatty.

Phoebe: Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?

Chandler: Well, I got a job interview. It?s kind of a big deal, and I?d get paid more to be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring..

Phoebe: Wait, I think I know someone who does that.

Chandler: Me! I do that. No, seriously, do I, do I look ok? I?m a little nervous.

Rachel: No, really, you look, you look great.

Phoebe: Yeah, just don?t get your hopes up.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: The interview...

Chandler: What about it?

Phoebe: You know, you don?t make a very good first impression.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Oh, you don?t know.

Chandler: Are you serious?

Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like ?blah blah blah blah.? Sshh!

Chandler: What is it that I do?

Phoebe: It?s just that you?re trying too hard, always making jokes, you know? You come off as a little needy.

Chandler: Did you like me when we first met?

Rachel: Chandler, I?m not gonna lie to you. But I am gonna run away from ya.

(She gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: The cooking class. Joey and Monica enter with her bouillabaisse in a container.]

Monica: Hi, I?m Monica Geller, I?m the chef at Allesandro?s.

Food critic: Still?

Monica: I think that the things you said about me were unfair and I would like you to give my bouillabaisse another chance.

Food critic: I don?t see any reason why I have to do that to myself again.

Joey: Either eat it or be in it.

(Monica picks up a spoon.)

Monica: Spoon? (He tries it) So, what do you think?

Food critic: I?m torn. Between my dignity and my desire for a beating. But I must be honest. Your soup is abysmal.

(He leaves.)

Joey: That a girl! (pats her on the back) Huh? We should get out of here, there?s a new class coming in.

Molly: Welcome to our Introduction to Cooking. Now, before we start, can anyone tell me the difference between a [???] and a [???] sauce?

(Monica raises her hand.)

Monica: I can.

Molly: Ok, go ahead.

Monica: Um, they both have a egg yolk and butter base, but [???] has shallot, [???], and most importantly, tarragon.

[T/N: I don?t know *anything* about cooking, so I don?t know the terms. ...Maybe I should take that class? ;-) ]

Molly: That?s very good. What?s your name?

Monica: Monica.

Molly: Monica, you go to the head of the class.

Monica: Ok!

(She goes to the first station.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. Their place is now cluttered with baby stuff.]

Rachel: Wow, all this stuff really takes up a lot of room. Hey, how serious are you of keeping Ben in your life?

Ross: My son? Pretty serious. (Knock, knock. Ross opens the door to Katie.) Why, hey, Katie, what are you doing here?

Katie: Delivery went out to you and I realized they forgot this.

(She hands him a towel.)

Ross: It must have been fairly obvious since it was the only thing left in your store.

(He puts it down.)

Katie: Listen, to be honest, home deliveries aren?t really part of my job description.

Ross: Oh.

(He starts digging in his pocket for money.)

Katie: Oh, uh, I actually came out here to ask you out.

Ross: Oh, uh, sounds great. I?m just gonna put this back in my pocket and pretend that didn?t happen. (sticks money back in) Uh, yeah, actually, I?m free now. You wanna grab some coffee?

Katie: Sure.

Rachel: Horny bitch. (They stare at her, so she pretends she was playing with the stuffed dinosaurs) ?No, you?re a horny bitch.? ?No, you?re a horny bitch.? ?You?re a horny bitch.? ?No, you?re a horny bitch.?

Commercial Break


[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. A minute or so later.]

Rachel: So, you guys go and have a really good time.

Ross: Yeah, I?ll just go and grab my coat. Uh, and my whip. Y?know, because of Indiana Jones? Not, not because I?m, I?m into S&M. I?m not, I?m not into anything weird. Just normal sex. So lemme grab my coat.

Rachel: So, you had a good day, huh? Big commission, picked up a daddy...

Katie: Are you ok with this?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, you guys have fun.

Katie: Ok.

Rachel: Yeah.

Katie: It was nice to see you.

Rachel: Great to see you too. And you look fantastic. Although you missed a button.

Katie: Actually, I uh -

Rachel: Ok, I see what you were doing.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]

Chandler: I cannot even believe this. I really come off that badly?

Phoebe: Uh, it?s ok. You calm after awhile, and then people can see how wonderful and sweet you really are.

Chandler: Oh, good, good, because I?m sure this interview?s going to last a couple of weeks.

Phoebe: All right, don?t freak out, ok? I will help you. How long before you have to leave?

Chandler: An hour.

Phoebe: I can?t help you.

Chandler: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Ok, let?s just do our best. Ok, let?s say that I?m the interviewer and I?m meeting you for the first time. Ok. Hi. Come on in. I?m, uh, Regina Filangie.

Chandler: Chandler Bing.

Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.

Chandler: Well, you should meet my uncle, Bada... I?ll let myself out.

[Scene: The cooking class. Molly stops at Joey?s station.]

Joey: Hey.

Molly: Your fettuccini alfredo looks a little dry. Did you use enough cheese?

Joey: When you say use, do you mean as a precooking snack?

Molly: And the cream?

Joey: The cheese makes me thirsty.

Molly: Ok, let?s move on.

Joey: All right.

(Molly goes to Monica?s station.)

Molly: Oh, something smells good over at Monica?s station. (tastes it) Oh my God, this is absolutely amazing. And you?ve never made this before?

Monica: Nope. I don?t know anything about cooking. I had to ask someone what it was called when, when the water makes those little bubbles.

Molly: Hats off to the chef.

Monica: I?m sorry, your mouth was full. I didn?t hear what you just said. Hats off to who now?

Molly: The chef.

Monica: That?s right.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Phoebe and Chandler are having an interview.]

Chandler: I think that you?ll find if I come to work here, that I don?t micro-manage. I don?t shy away from delegating.

Phoebe: Umm hmm, that?s interesting to know. But let?s stop focusing on what you don?t do and what you do do.

(Chandler tries not to laugh.)


Chandler: What I do do, is to manage to create an atmosphere of support for the people working with me.

Phoebe: I see. Nice side step on the do-do thing, by the way.

Chandler: Hardest thing I?ve ever done in my life.

Phoebe: Oh, you gotta go.

(Chandler jumps up.)

Chandler: Oh!

Phoebe: But don?t worry, you?re ready.

Chandler: You sure?

Phoebe: Absolutely! Fight all your natural instincts and you?ll be great.

(They high five and Chandler leaves.)

[Scene: The class.]

Molly: Ah, Monica, my star student.

Monica: You know, you called me that before, so I, I took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil. (holds it up) No pressure. If you like my cookies, you give me the star.

(She hands it over to Molly, who tastes the cookie.)

Molly: Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

(She gives Monica the star.)

Monica: Wow, a star! (to classmates) I know you all hate me, but, y?know, I don?t care!

(Molly goes to Joey?s station.)

Molly: All right, Joey, you?re up next.

Joey: Ok.

(She tastes his cookie.)

Molly: These are good! This is amazing. You get an A.

Joey: An A? An A in school? Hey, I?m a dork.

Monica: Joey, I?m so proud of you.

Molly: I think you should give him your star.

Monica: Excuse me? He doesn?t even know what he?s doing.

Molly: We?re all beginners here, nobody knows what they?re doing.

Monica: I do! I?m a professional chef. (everyone gasps) Oh, relax, it?s not a courtroom drama.

Molly: If you?re a professional chef, what are you doing, taking Introduction to Cooking?

Joey: Yeah!

Monica: I?m, I?m sorry, it?s just that, um, I cook at this restaurant, Allesandro?s, um, I just got a really bad review.

Molly: Oh, Allesandro?s, I love that place!

Monica: You do?

Molly: You?re an excellent chef. As a person, you?re a little -

Monica: Totally crazy. You like the food?

Molly: Very much.

Monica: Ok then. I don?t stink! I?m a good chef! Ok.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don?t want to go, I?m having fun.

Molly: Actually, did either of you pay for this class?

Joey: Hey, if my friend says it?s time to go, it?s time to go.

(Monica leaves. Joey takes all his cookies before leaving...he takes the apron with him too.)

[Scene: Chandler?s interview.]

Chandler: Also, I was the point person for my company?s transition from the GL5 to the KL6 systems.

Mr. Tyler: You must have had your hands full.

Chandler: That I did, that I did.

Mr. Tyler: So, let?s talk a little bit about your duties.

(Chandler hears it as ?doodie? and tries not to laugh.)

Chandler: My duties? All right.

Mr. Tyler: Now, you?ll be heading a whole division, so you?ll have a lot of duties.

(Chandler keeps a straight face.)

Chandler: I see.

Mr. Tyler: But there?ll be about thirty people under you, so you?ll be able to dump a certain amount onto them.

(Chandler hears ?dump? and it becomes harder...)

Chandler: Good to know.

Mr. Tyler: We could go into detail.

Chandler: No, don?t! I beg of ya!

Mr. Tyler: All right, then, we?ll have a definite answer on Monday. (they get up) Well, I think I can say with some confidence, you?ll fit in well here.

(They shake hands.)

Chandler: Really?

Mr. Tyler: Absolutely. You can relax, you did great.

Chandler: I gotta say, thank you. I was really nervous. You know, I?ve been told I come on too strongly, too many jokes. It was really hard to sidestep that ?doodie? thing. Duties. (weird voice) Duties! (Mr. Tyler still doesn?t get it) Poo.

Mr. Tyler: Poo?

Chandler: Oh my God, this doesn?t count. Ok? The interview was over. That was the real Chandler Bing in there. This is just some crazy guy in the hall. (loudly) Call security! There?s a crazy guy out in the hall!

Mr. Tyler: Poo?

Chandler: I look forward to your call.

[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hi. You?re back from your date.

Ross: How are you?

Rachel: I?m fine. That?s not important. What?s important is how was she?

Ross: Uh, it was fun. We, we just had coffee.

Rachel: Oh. Uh huh, a little rub-rub-rub under the table.

Ross: What, what?s going on? Do you not like Katie?

Rachel: No, no, she was, she was nice. I mean, she was a little slutty, but who isn?t?

Ross: I liked her.

Rachel: Of course you did, Ross. You would date a gorilla if it called you Indiana Jones.

Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?

Rachel: No, it?s just that, Katie bothered me.

Ross: Why, what was wrong with her?

Rachel: There was nothing wrong with her, all right? She was perfectly lovely.

Ross: So what?s the matter?

Rachel: I don?t want you to date her.

Ross: Wh-wh-why? What, are you jealous?


Rachel: Yes. And not because I want you to go out with me, because I don?t want you to go out with anybody. Ok? I know it?s terrible to think this, I know that this is totally inappropriate, but I want you to be at my constant beckoned call twenty-four hours a day. I?m very sorry, but that is just the way I feel.

Ross: Ok.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: I won?t date. I?ll, uh, be here with you. All the time.

Rachel: Really? But I?m being so unreasonable.

Ross: True, but you?re allowed to be unreasonable. You?re having my baby.

Rachel: Ross, thank you. Thank you.

(They hug.)

Ross: Do you feel better?

Rachel: No, not really. You?re pressing the baby into my bladder and now I have to pee. Sorry. Oh.

(She gets up and starts dancing.)

Ross: Just one thing. We live together, you?re having our baby...I?m not going to see anybody else. Are you, are you sure you don?t want something more?

Rachel: Wow. I don?t know, maybe...

Ross: Oh, Rach, I was just messing around. Like you did last night when I had to pee?

Rachel: I know that, I was just messing with you too!

Ross: Ok, ok, because for a minute, you seemed -

Rachel: No, no, no, no, no. Just - I?m, just because, I?m such a good messer.

(They laugh.)

Ross: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: The bathroom?

Rachel: Right.

Closing Credits


[Scene: The hallway of the New School.]

Joey: Oh, I had a great time. I learned how to bake, had great food, got my first A since seventh grade, and I didn?t have to sleep with the teacher this time.

Monica: Hey, Acting for Beginners. Wanna feel good about yourself?

Joey: What the hell.

Monica: Ok.

(They enter.)

Teacher: All right, let?s start with the basics. Can anyone tell me what the difference between upstage and downstage is?

(Joey doesn?t know.)

Joey: Yeah, this is a stupid idea.

(They leave.)

End