THE ONE IN MASSAPEQUA

Written by: Peter Tibbals

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[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there but Rachel.]

Phoebe: Ooh, Ross, Mon, is it ok if I bring someone to your parents? anniversary party?

Monica / Ross: Sure!

Joey: Who?s the guy?

Phoebe: Well, his name?s Parker. I met him at the dry cleaners.

Chandler: Ooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers? ...who said that?

Phoebe: But he?s really great though. He has this incredible zest for life. And he treats me like a queen. Except at night, when he treats me like the naughty girl that I am.

Monica: Oh, by the way, will it be ok if I give the toast to Mom and Dad this year?

Ross: You sure you want to, after what happened at their twentieth?

Monica: I?d really want to.

Ross: Ok. Hopefully this time, Mom won?t boo you.

Monica: Yes! Every year Ross always makes a toast and it?s really moving and it always makes them cry. This year, I?m going to make them cry.

Chandler: And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?

Monica: No, really! Every time Ross makes a toast, everyone cries and everyone applauds him and pats him on the back. And they all come up to me and say ?God...your brother.? You know what they?re going to say this year? ?God...you.?

Joey: Well, I can promise you, at least one person will be crying. (points to himself) And I?m an actor, and any actor worth his soul (?) can (snap) cry on cue.

Monica: Really? You can do that?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Watch. (he tries to cry, but unfortunately doesn?t have a tweezer ;) ) Well, I can?t do it with you guys watchin? me!!

Opening Credits


[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler comes out of his room. Monica is at the kitchen table, writing. They?re both dressed up for the party.]

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: Oh, I?m working on the big toast for the party. Or, as I like to call it, Sobfest 2002. Hey, check this out.

(She hands him a photo.)

Chandler: It?s a dog.

Monica: It?s a dead dog! That?s ChiChi. She died when I was in high school.

Chandler: It?s your parents? anniversary and you?re going to talk about their dead pet?

Monica: Uh huh!

(Ross, Rachel and Joey enter with presents.)

Rachel: Hiii!

Joey / Ross: Hey!

Monica: Joey, you got a present for my parents? That?s so sweet.

(Joey holds out a certificate.)

Joey: Yeah, look, in honor of their thirty-fifth anniversary I had a star named after them.

Ross: Oh, that is so cool.

Joey: And, I got them a book on karma-sutra for the elderly.

Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. Sure! (he opens a cabinet) What do you need? We got lace, satin, satine, raffia, gingham, felt...and I think my testicles might be in here too.

(Ross picks up the photo.)

Ross: Oh! ChiChi!! Oh, I love this dog! Oh, uh, Monica couldn?t get braces because ChiChi needed knee surgery.

Monica: What?!

Ross: You were the two hundred pound eleven year old who rode her!

(Phoebe enters with Parker.)

Phoebe: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Everybody, this is Parker. Parker, this -

Parker: No, wait, don?t tell me. Let me guess. Joey, Rachel, Ross, Monica aaannnd...I?m sorry, Phoebe didn?t mention you. (Chandler doesn?t know what to say) Chandler, I?m kidding! Already, you?re my favorite. Why don?t you each tell me a little about yourselves?

Ross: Well, actually, we, we should get going.

(Parker laughs.)

Parker: Oh, classic Ross! Rachel, Rachel, look how your glow. (puts his hands on her belly) May I?

Rachel: Uh, I think you already are.

Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in the world more miraculous than - ooh! A picture of a dog!!

(He studies it.)

Monica: That?s my old dog. He, he passed away years ago.

Parker: Oh, well, at least you were lucky to have him. Bow wow, old friend, bow wow. So, where?s the party?

Monica: It?s out on the island. In Massapequa.

Parker: Massapequa. It sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa. Is it steeped in Native American history?

Ross: Well, there is an Arby?s in the shape of a teepee.

Monica: Um, I?ve got my note cards. You got the presents?

Chandler: yeah.

Monica: And I?ve got the car keys.

Parker: We?re driving?

Monica: Yeah.

Parker: Aces! (?)

(They all leave, except for Ross and Rachel.)

Ross: So he seems like a nice guy.

Rachel: Yeah. I like him a lot.

Ross: Would you like to take our own cab?

Rachel: Yeah, otherwise I?m not going.

[Scene: The party. Ross and Rachel arrive and the Gellers greet them.]

Ross / Rachel: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, this is such a great party! Thirty-five years, very impressive. Do you have any pearls of wisdom?

Judy: Jack?

Jack: Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick?

Ross: That?s a good question, Dad. It?s a good question.

Woman: Congratulations you two.

Ross: Thank you.

Woman: And also, congratulations on your wedding.

(Ross doesn?t know what to say.)

Judy: Can we talk to you for just a moment? (pulls them away) It, it was just a little thing. While we think it?s simply marvelous that you?re having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open minded. That is why we told them you were married.

Ross / Rachel: What?!!

Judy: Thank you for going along with this.

(She walks away.)

Ross: What? Dad, we have to pretend that we?re married?

Jack: I had to shave my ears for tonight. You can do this.

(He leaves.)

Ross: Can you believe that?

Rachel: Yeah! If you?re going to do the ears, you might as well take a pass at the nose a little.

Ross: No, I don?t want to lie about us being married.

Rachel: But you know what, it?s their party, and it?s their night. And we don?t even have to lie. We don?t have to say anything. If it comes up again, we?ll smile and nod along.

Aunt Lisa: Ross! Rachel!

Ross: Hi Aunt Lisa, Uncle Dan.

(They hug.)

All: Hi.

Aunt Lisa: Congratulations on the baby. And the wedding.

(Ross and Rachel smile and nod along.)

Uncle Dan: Here?s a little something to get you started.

(He gives Ross money.)

Aunt Lisa: So how?s married life treating you?

Rachel / Ross: Unbelievable! / I love marriage!

Rachel: Great.

(The rest of the gang enters.)

Parker: What a beautiful place. What a beautiful night. I have to tell you, being here in Event Room C, I feel so lucky. To think of the good times that have happened here. The birthdays, the mitzvahs, the bar and botts (?)! But none of that will compare with tonight. But God, I don?t want to forget this. It?s like I want to take a mental picture of you all! (holds out his hands) Click!

Chandler: I don?t think the flash went off.

(Parker hits him on the back, hard. He grimaces.)

Parker: I?m going to go find the men?s room. I?ll be right back.

Phoebe: I?ll go with you!

(They leave.)

Chandler: Somewhere, there?s someone with a tranquilizer gun and a butterfly net, looking for that man.

Joey: I have to go to the bathroom too, but I don?t want him complimentin? my thing.

Ross: So what all happened in the car? Did he ever let up?

Monica: He called the Long Island Express Way a concrete miracle.

Ross: Oh. ?This room! This night! That waiter! His shoes!!? (Phoebe?s behind him) ?I must take a mental picture.? (bumps into her) Ooh.

Phoebe: You guys making fun of Parker?

Ross: That depends. How much did you hear?

Phoebe: Well, he?s a little enthusiastic. What?s wrong with that?

Monica: It?s, it?s a little much.

Phoebe: Well, so what? I like him! Have I made fun of the people you?ve dated? Tag? Janice? Mona? No! Because friends don?t do that. But do you want my opinion? In my opinion, your collective dating record reads like a who?s who of human crap!

(She leaves.)

Monica: I feel terrible.

Joey: I know.

Ross: What was wrong with Mona?!

Commercial Break


[Scene: The party. Ross and Rachel are looking at the money and cards they?ve received.]

Rachel: Open it, open it, open it!

(Ross does.)

Ross: Yeah, baby.

(A couple comes up.)

Man: We were so happy to hear about your wedding.

Woman: We were surprised we weren?t invited.

Ross: Oh, no, no, it was just our parents and two of our friends. A small wedding.

Rachel: I mean, it was small, but kind of spectacular.

Man: Where did you have it?

Rachel: On a cliff. In Barbados. At sunset. And Stevie Wonder sang Isn?t She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.

Woman: Really?

Rachel: Yeah. Stevie?s an old family friend.

Woman: My God, that sounds amazing. I?d love to see pictures.

Rachel: So would I! You wouldn?t think that Andy Leibowitz would forget to put film in the camera.

Ross: Would you, would you, excuse us for a second? (they walk away) Um, what are you doing?

Rachel: What? I?m not you. This may be the only wedding I?ll ever have! I want it to be amazing.

Ross: Oh. Ok. Ooh! Ooh, maybe I rode in on a motorcycle.

Rachel: It has to be realistic.

(Pan over to Phoebe and Parker. They go over to the buffet.)

Parker: Uh, are you ok? You seem kinda quiet.

Phoebe: I?m fine. I?m great. I?m with you.

Parker: And I?m with you! It?s a great time to be alive! Look at this plate bouncy thing. (messes with it) What an inspired solution to man?s plate dispensing problems.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Parker: Ah, oysters. Let me feed you one.

Phoebe: Uh, actually, I -

Parker: Here.

Phoebe: I don?t eat -

Parker: I won?t quit til you try one.

Phoebe: Ok. (she dumps it on the floor when he?s not looking) Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Parker: What are they like? I?ve never had one.

Phoebe: Why don?t you just try one?

Parker: Nah, they look too weird.

(Cut to Chandler and Monica at a table. Monica is reviewing her cards.)

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: Just reviewing my notes. Those two will never know what hit them. I can?t wait. They?ll be crying so hard that they?ll be fighting for breath.

Chandler: You know, if you want to, I could just hold them down and you could just...

(He demonstrates beating them up.)

(Cut to Ross and Rachel. Rachel is telling about the ?wedding? to a crowd of women.)

Rachel: ...and my veil was lace, made by blind Belgian nuns.

Woman 1: Blind?

Rachel: Well, not at first. It was very intricate work, and even though they lost their sign, they said it was worth it.

Woman 2: Aw. I bet you looked beautiful.

Rachel: Oh, I don?t know about that, but there were some people who said I looked like a floating angel.

Woman 1: How did you propose?

Rachel: Oh yeah, that?s a good story.

Ross: Well, uh, actually, I took her to the planetarium. That?s, that?s where we had our first date. She walked in, and I had the room filled with lilies, her favorite flower.

Woman 2: How sweet!

Rachel: Ssh1 I want to hear the rest!

Ross: Then Fred Astaire singing The Way You Look Tonight came on the sound system. And the lights came down and I got on one knee, and written across the dome in the stars were the words ?Will you marry me??

All: Ohhh...

Rachel: And the ring was the size of my fist!

(Pan over to Phoebe. Joey sits down with her.)

Joey: Hey, Phoebe. I want to apologize for before. We were all being jerks. Parker?s a nice guy and I?d really like to get to know him.

Phoebe: You better do it now.

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Cause I?m going to kill him.

Joey: What, what?

Phoebe: You guys were right. He?s just too excited about everything! I?m all for living life, but this is the Gellers? thirty-fifth anniversary. Let?s call a spade a spade. This party stinks!

Joey: I know. I?m having the worst time. There was a fifteen minute line to the buffet and when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe: Are you sure it wasn?t an oyster?

Joey: I guess it could?ve been. I didn?t really look at it. I just wiped it on Chandler?s coat and got the hell out of there.

Phoebe: It?s just that he?s such a great guy. I?m so excited about him.

Joey: Oh, hey, you, you should be excited about him. There?s nothing wrong with him. He, he?s a great guy.

Phoebe: You think?

Joey: Yeah! You know what I think? I think we were all being too negative.

Phoebe: Y?know, he was just embracing life. We could all stand to be a little like Parker. You know what, I am like him. I?m a sunny, positive person.

Joey: Actually, you have a little bit of an edge.

Phoebe: What?s that now? (Parker puts his arms around her) Oh, it?s Parker!

Parker: They?re doing the bunny hop.

Phoebe: Oh, I love it!

Parker: You do?

Phoebe: People acting like animals to music? Come on!

(Monica is onstage. She hits a spoon against her wine glass.)

Monica: Ok, it?s time for the toast. Um, now, I know Ross normally gives the toast, but this year I?m going to do it.

Everyone: Awww...

Monica: No, it?s going to be great, really. Mom, Dad, when I got married, the reason that I knew I could do it was the amazing example you set for me. For that and for so many other things, I want to say thank you. I know I probably don?t say it enough, but I love you. (pretends to wipe away a tear, but no one?s crying) When I look around this room, I?m saddened by the thought of those who could not be with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so wanna be here. But she can?t. Because she?s dead. As is our dog, ChiChi. (holds out the photo) I mean, look how cute she is! Was. (to a man) Can you do me a favor and pass this to my parents? (hands him the photo) Remember, she?s dead. Her and Nana. Gone. (Jack and Judy look at the photo) Wow! Hey, does anyone remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his eyes) You didn?t see that? No movie fans!! You want to hear something sad? Last night, on 60 Minutes, they had this thing on these orphans in Romania who have been so neglected that they were incapable of love! (silence) You people are made of stone!!! Here?s to Mom and Dad. Whatever!

(She goes offstage.)

Judy: Thank you Monica, that was...interesting. Wasn?t it interesting, Jack?

(He?s looking at the photo still.)

Jack: Why don?t I remember this dog?

Judy: Ross, why don?t you give us your toast now?

Ross: Oh, no, Mom, it?s just Monica this year.

Judy: You?re not going to say anything? On our thirty-fifth wedding anniversary?

Ross: No, of course. (gets up) Everybody, uh, I just wanted to say, uh, on behalf of my new bride, Rachel (she smiles) and myself, if, if in thirty-five years we?re half as happy as you guys are, we?ll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.

(Judy starts crying.)

Judy: Oh Ross...

Jack: (also crying) I just wish Nana were alive to hear Ross?s toast.

(Monica rolls her eyes.)

[Scene: Phoebe?s place. Phoebe and Parker enter.]

Parker: My God, what a fantastically well-lit hallway.

Phoebe: Can I, uh, get you something to drink? Water? Valium?

Parker: I must say, this apartment, it?s, it?s...there are no words.

Phoebe: Oh.

Parker: ...a haven. A third floor paradise. A modern day Eden in the midst of -

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I know. It ???. Let?s, um, why don?t we just sit and relax and y?know, be with each other.

(They sit on the couch.)

Parker: That sounds good.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Parker: My God, this is the most comfortable couch I?ve ever sat in in my entire life!

(He bounces up and down.)

Phoebe: Ok, let?s try something else. Let?s play a game.

Parker: I love games.

Phoebe: Shocking! Let?s play the game of, uh, who can stay quiet the longest.

Parker: Or Jenga!

Phoebe: Let, let?s play this one first. And remember, whoever talks first loses.

(One one-thousand, two one-thousand.)

Parker: I lose. Now Jenga!

Phoebe: Oh my God, oh my God!!

Parker: Is something wrong?

Phoebe: Really? You know the word wrong? Everything isn?t perfect. Everything isn?t magical. Everything isn?t aglow in the light of a million fairies!!! They were just brake lights, Parker!!

Parker: Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam.

Phoebe: You don?t have to put a good spin on everything!

Parker: I?m sorry. That?s who I am. I?m a positive person.

Phoebe: No, I?m a positive person! You are like Santa Claus on Prozac. In Disneyland. Getting laid!

Parker: So what do you want me to do? You want me to be more negative, to be less happy?

Phoebe: More less happy.

Parker: Fine. Then, to quote Ross, I better be going!

Phoebe: So long! Hey, don?t let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out!

(She shuts the door. He knocks, and she opens it again.)

Parker: Isn?t this the most incredible fight you?ve ever had in your entire life?

(Phoebe slams it shut one last time.)

[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s.]

Ross: And then we could?ve gone from the ceremony to the reception with you in the sidecar.

Rachel: But Ross, it wouldn?t have been feasible.

Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger would?ve been no problem.

Rachel: It was really fun being married to you tonight.

Ross: And, and, it was the easiest four hundred bucks I ever made.

Rachel: Ross, can I, uh, can I ask you something? That proposal at the planetarium...

Ross: I know, I know, it was stupid.

Rachel: With the, with the lilies and the song? Ross, it was really wonderful. Did you just make that up?

Ross: Actually, I thought about it when we were going out. I imagined I would ask you to marry me.

Rachel: It would?ve been, it would?ve been very hard to say no to.

Ross: Well, I?m glad I didn?t do it because it sounds like a very expensive wedding. Ok, Good night.

Rachel: Good night.

Ross: Uh, even if the sidecar had a, had a windscreen so that your hair wouldn?t get messed up -

Rachel: I will think about it!

Ross: It?s all I?m asking.

Closing Credits


[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Monica are there.]

Monica: Uh, that?s it. I give up. At Mom and Dad?s fortieth anniversary, you?re the one giving the speech.

Ross: I don?t understand why they didn?t cry. It was a beautiful speech.

Monica: Come on.

Ross: Hey, all that stuff you said about true love? You were right. I mean, we did learn a lot from Mom and Dad. And that picture of ChiChi with you mischievous grin. And what you said about Nana. Oh yeah, she really would?ve wanted to be there. And you know what? I think she was.

Monica: (crying) Oh, good God, Ross, how do you do it?

End