The One With The Tea Leaves


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teleplay by: Steven Rosenhaus
Story by: R. Lee Fleming
Transcribed by: Jean Liew

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: The hall. Rachel knocks on Joey?s door.]

Rachel: Joey, are you in there?

(Cut to Chandler and Monica?s. Joey is in there, having breakfast with them. He gets up.)

Joey: It?s Rachel.

Monica: You have to talk to her.

Joey: No, no, I can?t, I can?t. After the other night, it?s just too weird. Don?t tell her I?m here. (he drops his bagel and wants to go back to get it, but decides to go hide) Don?t eat that!

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: Hey Rachel.

Rachel: Is Joey here?

Chandler: I haven?t seen him, have you seen him?

Monica: I haven?t seen him. Maybe he?s in the sugar bowl. (uncovers it) Joey? Nope.

Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh.

Monica: What?s up?

Rachel: Well, I haven?t seen him since the other night, when he told me... Y?know, he keeps avoiding me. (points) Why is that bagel over there?

Monica: We were playing a game.

Rachel: Ew, was Chandler naked? Sort of like a, like a ring toss situation?

(Monica nods.)

Chandler: What? No! No!!

Rachel: Well, listen, if you see Joey, could you just tell him, tell him that, uh, that I miss him!

(She leaves and Joey comes back out.)

Monica: Hey. Did you hear that?

Joey: Yeah. A naked bagel game? (picks it up) Dude, I don?t know. That?s a pretty small hole.

Monica: Look, you?ve got to talk to her.

Joey: No, I can?t. You guys don?t know what it?s like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.

Chandler: I don?t know what it?s like? Until I was 25, I thought the only response to ?I love you? was ?Oh crap!?

Monica: And hello, no rejection? I got rejected at fat camp. Kids are mean when they?re hungry.

Joey: All right, so, so what do I do ?

Monica: This is Rachel. What are you going to do, never talk to her again? I know it?s weird and it?s awkward, but you gotta at least try.

Joey: Yeah. All right. (he?s about to bite into the bagel) Whoop! I almost forgot that this was on your -

Chandler: We didn?t play it!!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there.]

Phoebe: Ok, when you?re done with your tea, I?ll look at your leaves and tell you your fortune.

Chandler: Ok. You read tea leaves?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, I?ve done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. And y?know, one of the great joys of life is its, y?know, great unpredictability. And also, tea tends to give me the trots (?).

Monica: Ok, I?m done. Read mine.

(Phoebe looks through her book.)

Phoebe: Ooh, I see a ladder. Which can either mean a promotion or a violent death.

Monica: I, I?m the head chef. I can?t get promoted.

Phoebe: Uh huh. Who?s next?

Rachel: Ok, I?m done. Do mine!

(Phoebe takes her cup.)

Phoebe: Ok. Um, Oh! Ok. I see a circle.

Rachel: Ok.

Phoebe: Which can either mean you?re having a baby, or, you?re going to make a scientific discovery!

Rachel: Ok, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.

Chandler: What does yours say, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Um, ok, all right. (checks) Wow! Yay!! Ooh, I?m going to meet a guy! And really soon. And he?s going to be the man of my dreams. Probably not the guy I dreamed about last night.

(She points at Chandler. Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey. Has anyone seen my shirt? Button down, like a, like a faded salmon color?

Monica: A pink shirt?

Ross: A faded salmon color?

Monica: Well, I haven?t seen your pink shirt.

Ross: Oh, that?s great. I left it at Mona?s. That?s great.

Chandler: Well, I?m sure they can knit you another one at Ann Taylor?s.

Ross: That?s my favorite shirt, ok? I love that shirt.

Rachel: Ask Mona to give it back.

Ross: I guess I could. I, I, I dunno. We didn?t end things in such good terms. And, if I went over there, I?d be ignoring the one thing she told me to do when we broke up: jump up my own ass and die.

(He goes to get coffee.)

Phoebe: Oh, wait a second, you guys. (turns to look at a guy) For the last couple of weeks, I?ve been seeing that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus, go to the same bookstore, the same dry cleaners. It?s the tea guy!

(The guy looks at her before leaving.)

Chandler: Pheebs, did you see that? He totally checked you out and he is so cute!!...Mine has a picture of the Village People, what does that mean?

(Joey enters and he sees Rachel.)

Rachel: Hi!

Joey: Hey.

(He goes to sit down. Silence.)

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hi.

(Silence.)

Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Rachel?s in the kitchen with Chandler.]

Rachel: I thought Joey and I would be ok once we hung out, but it?s like we don?t even want to be with each other!

Chandler: I know it?s tough now, but things will get better.

Rachel: How do you know that?! It gets worse and worse and worse, until we can?t even be in the same room with each other.

Chandler: I?m not so great at the advice. Can I interest you with a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?

(He offers it to her.)

Monica: Honey, why is the Bruce Springsteen cd in the Cat Stevens case?

Chandler: If I can?t find the right cd case, I just put it in the nearest one.

Monica: Where?s the Cat Stevens cd?

Chandler: In the James Taylor case.

Monica: Where?s the James Taylor cd?

Chandler: Honey, I?m going to save you some time. Two hundred cds, not one of them in the right case.

Monica: Ok, no need to panic. Deep breaths, everyone. We?ll, we?ll just have to spend some time and put the cds in the right cases.

Chandler: If we?re going to do that, then we?re going to have to come up with some kind of order. Y?know, alphabetically, or, or by genre.

Monica: I don?t know, I think we?re going to have to talk this through.

Rachel: Oh my God!!! You guys have such problems! I feel so terrible for you!!

Monica: Ok, I?m sorry. You and Joey, you?re both focusing on this uncomfortable thing. Change the subject. Next time you see him, try to get him talking about something else.

Rachel: Ohhh... It makes sense.

Monica: I dunno, you could have a work problem that you could need advice on.

Rachel: I can do that! Ok.

Monica: Honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?

(She holds it up.)

Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store...in exchange for money.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: I really don?t know what to tell you, Rach. I really don?t. Maybe, maybe Joey can help you out with your, with your work problem.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Yeah. Joey, she?s, Rachel?s got this really big work problem. And it is a head scratcher. Wow, if we?re going to make dinner, we?re going to have to leave!

(She and Chandler leave.)

Joey: So, you have a big work problem?

Rachel: Yeah, it?s, uh...yeah, it?s uh...yeah, it?s nothing. Y?know, it?s nothing.

Joey: Ok. So, uh, I think I?m going to take off.

Rachel: Yeah, no, wait, Joey, it is, it?s something. It is...um...it?s my boss.

Joey: Yeah?

Rachel: Yeah. And um...and my baby.

Joey: Yeah?

Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby!

Joey: What?! Oh my, oh my God!!

Rachel: I told you it was a really big problem.

Joey: He wants to buy your baby?!

Rachel: Can you believe that?

Joey: That?s crazy!!

Rachel: That?s what I told him!

Joey: How did this even happen?

Rachel: Yeah, I?ll tell you... (thinks) See, well, my, my boss and his wife, they can?t have children. Um, and we were at the Christmas party and he got drunk, and he said to me, ?Rachel, I want to buy your baby!?

Joey: Man. When you said it was something about your boss and your baby, I figured it was something about maternity leave!

Rachel: Oh, yeah... (thinks) Yeah, that, that would have been a much simpler problem.

[Scene: The street. Phoebe?s at a magazine stand. The ?tea guy? picks up a paper.]

Phoebe: Hello.

Tea guy: Oh, hi. I see you everywhere. I?m Jim, Jim Nelson.

Phoebe: Well, hello, Jim, Jim Nelson. I?m Phoebe, Phoebe Buffay. We certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately.

Jim: Maybe we?ll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night. Eight o?clock?

Phoebe: Well, maybe we will. (She?s about to walk off) Oh!

(They exchange numbers.)

[Scene: The hallway outside Mona?s apartment. Ross knocks.]

Ross: Mona? (He gets no reply and is about to leave. He remembers something and gets a key off the light...and immediately drops it) Ow!!!!

(He picks it up, protecting his hand with his jacket sleeve and opens the door.)

(Cut to inside Mona?s apartment.)

Ross: Ok, if I were a salmon shirt, where would I be?

(He hears Mona opening the door and drops behind the couch. Mona enters with her boyfriend.)

Mona: I am so sorry I spilled wine all over your shirt.

Boyfriend: It?s ok.

Mona: Oh, it?s still wet. Let me get it out before it sets. Oh, I?ve got something you could wear. (gets the salmon shirt from her closet) Here.

Boyfriend: Oh, I don?t wanna wear a woman?s shirt.

(Ross makes a face.)

Mona: No, no, that?s a man?s shirt.

Boyfriend: It?s awfully pink.

(Ross mouths ?It?s salmon!!?)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. They?re organizing the cds.]

Chandler; Oh my God, honey, we are so meant to be together. Look, we both have copies of the Annie soundtrack.

(He holds them up.)

Monica: Honey, both yours.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey, great advice on that Joey thing!

Monica: Oh, the work problem?

Rachel: It was perfect! Oh, it really felt like he was my friend again.

Chandler: What problem did you tell him you had?

Rachel: Oh, that?s not important. The point is, I really, I think everything?s going to be ok.

(Cut to Mr. Zelner?s office. He?s looking over something with two people.)

Mr. Zelner: May I help you?

Joey: You think you could just BUY my friend?s baby?!!!!!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The restaurant where Phoebe and Jim are having dinner.]

Phoebe: Isn?t it funny how we kept running into each other? Someone really wants us to be together.

Jim: Someone does. Me.

Phoebe: Witty banter? Well done.

Jim: So, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Phoebe: Well, I?m a masseuse. I used to work at this place...

Jim: Do you like to party?

Phoebe: I, I, I like, I like parties.

Jim: You?re wild, aren?t ya?

Phoebe: Yeah, I guess, a little.

Jim: I?m wild too.

Phoebe: So, um, anyway, I?ve, I?ve lived in New York somewhat wildly. Um, mostly since I was fourteen.

Jim: I?m sorry. I?m staring. It?s just that you have the most beautiful eyes.

Phoebe: Stop.

Jim: And you?re breasts!! Mmm!!!

Phoebe: Um, uh, look. You?re coming on a little strong. I?m giving you a benefit of a doubt, because it seems the universe really wants us to be together. So, why don?t you start over and tell me about yourself?

Jim: I write erotic novels for children.

Phoebe: What?!

Jim: They?re wildly unpopular.

Phoebe: Ok...

Jim: And you might be interested to know that I?ve got a Ph. D.

Phoebe: You do?

Jim: Yep. A pretty huge -

Phoebe: All right!!

(She leaves.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. They?re still organizing the cds. Rachel?s helping.]

Chandler: (singing) The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow... (they?re staring) (macho voice) There?ll be sun!

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Oh, Joey, thank you for talking to me about that thing about my boss. That really meant a lot.

Joey: Oh, and just so you know, that guy is not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Let?s just say I took care of it.

(Rachel runs up to him.)

Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, oh, let there be more.

Joey: Don?t worry. Don?t worry. I just told him very nicely, that, (angrily) you don?t go buying people?s babies, so back off!!!

Rachel: What?!

Chandler / Monica: What?!

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no, Joey, he doesn?t want to buy my baby. I just made that up!!

Joey: What?! Why?!

Rachel: Just so we could have something to talk about, so it wouldn?t be awkward!!

Joey: And you couldn?t think of anything else?!!!

Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?!

Rachel: I can?t believe you yelled at my boss! I?m going to lose my job! What am I going to do?!!!

Chandler: You could sell your baby.

Rachel: Oh, Joey. I can?t believe you brought my boss into this, I?m going to get fired!

Joey: You lied to me!!

Rachel: Well, she told me to!!

Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie!!

(Joey gives him a questioning look.)

[Scene: Mona?s. She is making out with her boyfriend on the couch. Ross is still behind the couch, looking through a catalog. The salmon shirt is on the rug, so he tugs on it. The coffee table hits Mona and she sees him.]

Mona: Oh my God!!! (they jump up) Ross!!!!!

Ross: Hello!

Mona: Ross, what are you doing?!

Ross: Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

[Scene: Mr. Zelner?s office. Rachel knocks and enters.]

Rachel: Good morning. You wanted to see me?

Mr. Zelner: Please. Come in. Have a seat.

(She does.)

Rachel: Ok, look, Mr. Zelner -

Mr. Zelner: Oh, it?s best that I speak first.

Rachel: Yeah.

Mr. Zelner: I?ve asked Lee from Human Resources to be here as witness to our conversation. If I, in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby, I am sorry. Last week, when I was asking you when your due date was, I certainly wasn?t asking when I was due your baby. And I want to be very clear that I understand it is your baby, and it is not mine to purchase.

Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that.

(She leaves.)

[Scene: The street. Monica and Phoebe are going to the dry cleaners.]

Phoebe: Oh, there it is.

Monica: That?s not your regular dry cleaners.

Phoebe: I know, but that creepy guy I went on a date with goes there, so I had to find a new one. I had to find a new video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: (louder) A new grocery store. The universe said I would meet a nice guy and that?s what they gave me? (to the universe) When I get up there, I?m going to kick some ass!!

Monica: It?s all right, Phoebe, you?ll meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you.

Phoebe: We both can. And we both will!

(Cut to inside the Bleeker Street Dry Cleaners.)

Phoebe: Why are you coming in with me?

Monica: Are you kidding, this is where they get out stains! This is like Disney Land for me. I?m going to be over here, watching The Dance of the Clean Shirts.

(A guy enters.)

Guy: Oh, excuse me. I think you dropped - wow! I?m sorry. It?s just that you?re so incredibly beautiful.

Phoebe: I?m sorry about that too, but what are you going to do?

Guy: I hope you don?t think I?m crazy, but I feel like I?m meant to pink this up. Do you believe in that kind of thing?

Phoebe: A little. (to the universe) Now you?re talking.

Guy: Would you like to go out for a cup of coffee?

Phoebe: I, I, I would love to. Let me just tell my friend.

Monica: An ink stain. Hey, can I watch how you get this out?

Phoebe: She must have left.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Joey?s pacing. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: So, what, what happened?

Rachel: I?m going to be ok. They?re just happy that I?m not suing them, that they gave me one month extra, paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that this money is not to be construed as payment for this, or any other child that I may bear.

Chandler: Wow, Ralph Lauren is really going out of the way to show that they?re not in the baby buying business.

Rachel: Chandler, can you give us a minute?

Chandler: Oh, I?m sorry. Are you kicking me out of my own living room? ...I?ll be in there.

(He goes into his room.)

Rachel: Joey, I?m really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to -

Joey: Oh, it?s ok. I know. I know.

Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean, I don?t know about you, but I haven?t thought about our thing since all this.

Joey: Oh, you?re right. Yeah. It?s kinda been like ?us? again, a little bit.

Rachel: Y?know what, I?ve missed that.

Joey: Me too. I haven?t thought at all how I put myself out there and said all that stuff, and how you didn?t feel the same way about me, and...how it was really awkward...

(Silence.)

Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross?s place. He?s on the phone, ordering some clothes.]

Ross: Item J4378. Color, winterberry. (Knock, knock. He opens the door to Mona) Hi. Um, listen, come in, come in. I?m so, so sorry about that. I?m really, really sorry. It?s just I -

Mona: Listen, Ross, don?t apologize. I, I understand why you were there.

Ross: You do?

Mona: Yeah. You still have feelings for me. To be honest, I, I still have feelings for you too and I wish we could work it out. But we can?t. It?s too complicated, with you and Rachel and the baby. It just wasn?t meant to be.

Ross: Oh, God, you?re right.

Mona: Ross, we, we have to be strong. Ok, I, I?m gonna go. (takes the shirt) Can I? To remember you?

Ross: ...No!

(He takes it back.)

End