The One With The Secret Closet


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Written by: Brian Buckner and Sebastian Jones
Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: The hall. Phoebe knocks on Monica and Chandler?s door. Monica opens the door part of the way because it?s held by the security chain.]

Monica: Hey. What?s up?

Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.

Monica: Oh, ok. (closes the door and reopens it to give Phoebe her guitar) Ok. Here you go.

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Ok, great.

Phoebe: Um -

(The door slams shut. Phoebe knocks on it again. Monica opens it.)

Monica: What?

Phoebe: So, do you wanna hang out or something?

Monica: Phoebe, you kinda caught me in a bad time.

Phoebe: Oh, are you and Chandler -

Monica: Yes, exactly.

Phoebe: Ok. Do you guys want me to play for you?

Monica: No.

(She shuts the door. Chandler walks up with dry cleaning.)

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs, what?s up?

Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.

(They enter and Phoebe gasps.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! You?re getting a massage?! (Monica looks up) You never let me massage you!!

Monica: I can explain!

Phoebe: You told me you hate massages.

Chandler: (to himself) Buy stamps (holds up them), pick up dry cleaning (holds it up), don?t let Phoebe in!

Phoebe: I can?t believe this! How long has this been going on?

Monica: Oh, um, Alexandra has -

Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?

Monica: Phoebe, don?t get upset.

Phoebe: Ok...oh, too late! Come on, Chandler, let?s go.

Chandler: Phoebe, I thought I?d (points to the apartment)...yeah, uh, what the hell.

(They leave.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Joey?s room. He?s asleep. We see his dream. Rachel?s giving birth and he?s the only one there. Everything else is white, like heaven or something.]

Joey: Ok, ok, come on. Just one push. Just one push! Come on, honey, we?re almost there. We?re almost there.

Rachel: Oh, Joey, I?m so happy things worked out for us, that we?re having this baby together. I love you so much.

Joey: Oh, I love you too.

Rachel: And I hope this isn?t an inappropriate time to say this, but you?re the best sex I?ve ever had.

Joey: Oh. It?s always appropriate. Oh, ok, ok, come on. One more push. One more push.

(She pushes and the baby is born.)

Nurse: There we go. Oh, here. (hands the baby to Joey) What a beautiful baby! Congratulations.

(Joey opens the blanket and to reveal Ross?s head.)

Ross: I hope you?re a better father than you are a friend!! Waaahhh!!!!!

(Joey freaks out and wakes up.)

Joey: Aah!! Ooh!

(Rachel knocks and enters.)

Rachel: Joey. Joey.

Joey: What? What?

Rachel: Joey, come here. Feel my belly.

Joey: Uhh...

Rachel: The baby?s kicking for the first time. Will you please come and feel this?

Joey: Really?

Rachel: Yes.

(Joey gets up.)

Joey: Uh, you know what? (wraps the sheets around himself) Maybe you, maybe you should come to me. I, I?m not wearing any bottoms. (Rachel does and he places his hand on her belly) Oh my, oh my God!

Rachel: Oh! Oh, it?s unbelievable! Oh, she is kicking so much! Oh, she?s like, um, who?s that, uh, annoying girl soccer player?

Joey: Mia Hamm.

Rachel: ...Mia Hamm. Ooh...

Joey: It?s so amazing...

Rachel: Whoa! One hand on the sheet cover!!

Joey: Whoops! (grabs the sheet) Sorry!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Monica is reading a card that came with an ugly bowl. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey babe.

Monica: Hey, honey. So, we just got a wedding gift from Bob and Fay Bing. They don?t like us, do they?

(Chandler picks it up.)

Chandler: Who says you can?t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back.

Monica: No, it doesn?t say where it came from. Where do we return it?

Chandler: How about the street, from, say, the balcony?

Monica: Well, why don?t we just find a place for it?

Chandler: Ok. (points) How about in that cabinet?

Monica: Oh, that?s where we keep the canned goods. Have you forgotten everything you learned at orientation?

Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom?

Monica: Ooh. Ok. Here. Why don?t you let me do it?

(She takes the bowl.)

Chandler: No. No. No, no, no! I will do it. (takes it) Honey, you need to sit down, relax, and let your husband take care of things once in awhile. (tries the door) It?s locked. You have to help me. Why is it locked?

Monica: No reason. I, I, I keep private things in there.

Chandler: Well, you know, I?ve been living here for awhile and I?ve never seen what?s in that closet. What is in there?

Monica: Feminine stuff.

Chandler: Don?t try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!

Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me, you?ll just, you?ll let it go!

Chandler: All right.

Monica: Thank you.

(She turns and he tries the lock again.)

Chandler: Love you.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hello, Chandler. Lovely day, huh? ...you.

Chandler: Phoebe, if it helps, Alexandra?s only been massaging Monica for three years. (Monica glares at him) If! I said if it helps!!

(He goes to his room.)

Phoebe: Why won?t you let me massage you?

Monica: Well, it?s, it?s just I?d be self conscious! You?re my friend! I?d be naked!

Phoebe: We lived together for years. I?ve seen you naked.

Monica: That was different. We were roommates! And when?

Phoebe: I?m curious about the human body.

Monica: Hey come on Phoebe. You can understand why this would be weird for me!

Phoebe: I?m a professional. And I?m really good! If you?re uncomfortable, we can stop. Give me a change. Ok? Please?

Monica: Ok. If it means that much to you.

Phoebe: How would you feel if you couldn?t share your cooking? Or, or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn?t teach us about dragons.

Monica: Dinosaurs.

Phoebe: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are there. Ross enters.]

Joey: Hey, Ross, the baby?s kicking.

Ross: It is?!!

(He tries to take off his gloves with his teeth. When that doesn?t work, he shakes them off. Then he puts his hands on Rachel?s belly.)

Rachel: It?s not kicking right now. Although, we would love to see you do that (mimics the hand shaking thing) again!

Ross: Hey, when, when was it kicking? What happened?

Rachel: It was last night. It was kicking and I felt it. Then I went into Joey?s room, where he was asleep.

Joey: A dreamless sleep.

Ross: Oh my God, the baby?s kicking. Great! Although, I, uh, I kinda wish I had been there to feel the kicking for the first time, y?know?

Joey: Well, I got some stuff going on in here if you wanna feel it.

Ross: Look, I, I don?t wanna miss any more baby stuff. Here. Here is my new pager number, ok? Any time anything pregnant-related happens, use it. I?ll be there, ok? (hands it to Rachel) I don?t care if it?s three in the morning and, and all you want is some ice cream.

Joey: Oh, I?ll have a copy of that.

(He reaches for it but Rachel won?t give it to him.)

[Scene: Phoebe?s place. Monica is on the massage table.]

Phoebe: (off screen) Are you under the sheet?

Monica: Yes!

(Phoebe comes out and turns on music.)

Phoebe: Great. Let?s begin. (starts the massage) How?s the pressure?

Monica: Oh, it?s nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good!

Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And it?s not weird, is it?

Monica: No! Ohh...

Phoebe: That?s right. You just enjoy.

Monica: Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhh... Ohhh... Oh yeah!

Phoebe: Ok!

Monica: Oh God, Phoebe! Oh, that?s it! That?s it! Right there! (Phoebe?s getting freaked out) Oh!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

(Phoebe puts her hands on her ears starts massaging with her elbows.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler?s trying to open the closet with a bunch of tools. He hears the apartment door close and he stops.]

Chandler: I wasn?t trying to open your closet!! I wasn?t trying to open your closet!!

(It?s just Joey.)

Joey: Wow. Monica runs a pretty tight shift around here, doesn?t she? What are you doing?

Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she won?t let me see what?s in it.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: I don?t know!! I don?t know what she could possibly be hiding in there that I can?t see!!!

Joey: I don?t know. Ooh. I bet it?s Richard.

Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?

Joey: Off the top of my head, uh, maybe she?s having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake, Richard being the too. Or!

Chandler: Oh man, here we go.

Joey: I saw this movie once where there was this door and nobody knew what was behind it. They finally got it open and millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out. They feasted on human flesh! You know, it wouldn?t kill you to respect your wife?s privacy!

(He leaves.)

(Cut to Joey and Rachel?s. Joey enters.)

Joey: Stupid closet full of bugs!

(He bolts the door.)

Rachel: Joey, Joey, something feels weird and not good-weird. Whoa!!!

Joey: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, do not worry. When my sisters were pregnant, they got every weird feeling in the book. It?s nothing.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Absolutely. But we?re going to stop at the hospital just to make sure, ok? I?ll call Ross on the way.

Rachel: Oh God. (he helps her up) Ow!!

Joey: Rach, Rach, look at me. Everything?s going to be fine. Trust me. Come on. Take my hand. (she gets up) There you go. Ow!! Crushing bones!! Oh good thing we?re going to a hospital!

[Scene: The hospital waiting room. Joey is...waiting. Rachel comes out.]

Joey: Hey! So?

Doctor: She?s fine. She was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions.

Rachel: Hmm...mild discomfort? I take it you?ve had one of those Braxton thingies?

Joey: So, but, everything was normal?

Doctor: Absolutely.

Joey: And, and there?s no damage to her or the baby?

Doctor: Contractions can be unnerving if you don?t know what they are. She?s fine.

(The doctor leaves.)

Rachel: Aww, thank you for being so nice and calm!

(She hugs him.)

Joey: I wasn?t calm! I?ve never been more scared in my entire life!!

Rachel: But hey, you said everything was going to be ok!

Joey: But what do I know?!! I?m not a doctor!!

Rachel: But I - everything is ok. I?m fine.

Joey: You are?!

Rachel: yes. Yes. I have a mind to contract that doctor?s uterus though. ?Mild discomfort.?

(Ross runs in.)

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Is everything ok?

Rachel: Yeah. Everyone?s fine.

Ross: What - your page said come to the hospital. What? What happened?

Joey: Something called Braxton Hicks contractions.

Ross: Oh. Thank God. That?s no big deal. Most women can?t even feel them.

Rachel: Ok, no uterus, no opinion.

Joey: Hey, uh, what?s with the candy?

Ross: When you beeped me, I was in the concession line at the movie theatre.

Rachel: You went to the movies by yourself?

Ross: No - Mona!!!!

Rachel: Wait, no, I gotta go back in there!

Ross: What, why? What?s wrong?

Rachel: No, everything?s fine. I just need to go back in there.

Ross: No, you tell me. What?s up?

Rachel: I, I forgot my underwear.

(She goes back in.)

Ross: So, thanks so much for, for bringing her to the hospital.

Joey: Oh, hey, don?t worry about it. Don?t worry about it. No big deal.

Ross: Yeah, well, it should have been me. I?m the dad.

Doctor: All right. If you have any more questions, here?s some information on Braxton Hicks.

(Hands a pamphlet to Joey.)

Joey: Thanks.

Doctor: Oh, and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. You?ll make a wonderful father.

Joey: Oh, uh, hey, not as good as this guy! He brought Twizzlers!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler and Joey are looking at the closet.]

Chandler: There?s got to be a way!!

Joey: Easy there, Captain Kirk. Do you have a bobby pin?

Chandler: Yeah. (checks his hair) Oh yeah, wait. I?m not a nine year old girl.

Joey: Then why do you throw like one?

Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.

(He goes into the bathroom.)

Joey: Oh sure. Monica.

Chandler: So, how?s the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel going?

Joey: Good. Really good. I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler hands him the pin) Wow, you sure found that quick. (messes with the lock) I just wish I didn?t feel this way about Rachel. Ok? I wish things could go back to normal. I love living with her and oh my god, helping with the baby is just amazing. Now I think, I think, Ross feels

left out. Ok, when I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. You should?ve seen the look on Ross?s face. By the way, I have no idea what I?m doing here. For all I know, I?m just locking it more. (pulls out the pin) Oh, hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?

Chandler: That?s a good idea.

Joey: Yeah.

(Chandler pulls out a credit card and slides it in.)

Chandler: So Ross is kinda bummed, huh?

Joey: Yeah, I feel terrible.

Chandler: Well, it?s not your fault. What were you going to do, not take her to the hospital? Y?know, you?re doing nothing wrong. Except harboring an all consuming love for the woman who?s carrying his baby. (the card falls in) Richard, if, if, if you?re in there, could you pass me my credit card?

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe?s there and Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. I felt so good!

Phoebe: I know. I got that.

Monica: So, um, what do you say, uh, we make it a weekly appointment?

Phoebe: Ok. Ok. But you should know, though, I?ve raised my rates to $200 an hour.

Monica: Ok. Ok.

Phoebe: I mean, five hundred.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Six hundred.

Monica: What?s going on?

Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged.

Monica: Wh - ?

Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out. After awhile, I tried to hurt you, but it just spurred you on!

Monica: What?! You?re crazy! There?s nothing sexual about the noises I make!

Phoebe: Is there nothing sexual about this? ?Ohh... Oh God! Ooh! Oh! Oh! Oh!? (to a guy behind them) What are you looking at? I mean, hi!

Monica: Oh my God! I?m never going to get massages again!

Phoebe: You can?t let this stop you from getting massages! I have lots of clients who make the same noises you do!

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: Not my clients - lovers. Let?s just try it again. Come back and we?ll, we?ll work through it.

Monica: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes!

Monica: I guess.

Phoebe: Great! And now if you?ll just, if you?ll just excuse me. (to the guy) So. Did you hear something you like?

[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey, Ross, check it out! (she?s balancing a soda can on her belly) I learned a new trick! Huh?

Ross: Hey, I brought you some lunch.

(He gives her a bag.)

Rachel: Aw, that?s so sweet!

Ross: It?s ok.

(She pulls out a sandwich.)

Rachel: Ohh.. (takes a bite) (mouth full) Did you put pickles on this?

Ross: Well, yeah...

Rachel: Oh no! (She runs into the bathroom) No! No!

Ross: What, what? Rach, what?!

Joey: What?s going on?

Ross: Uh, I made her favorite, tuna sandwich with pickles.

Joey: Oh, giving her pickles makes her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.

Ross: Uh, I?m sorry, Rach. I didn?t know. Uh, are you going to be ok?

Rachel: I?ll be fine but can someone make sure that, that sandwich is gone when I get out there?

(Joey?s eating it.)

Joey: I?m on it!

Ross: I can?t believe this! I shouldn?t be the one making her throw up!

Joey: Relax, Ross. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: Not to you, because you know this stuff. I don?t and I?m the father. I just, I wish I got more involved, you know?

(Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Oh, well, if anyone?s keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.

Joey: Hey, uh, can I, uh, can I talk to you guys for a second?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: What?s up?

Joey: Well, uh, sit down. (they do) I want to talk about our situation.

(Rachel gasps.)

Rachel: Are you breaking up with us?

Joey: The thing is, because I live with Rachel, I?m here for a lot of the stuff. Ok? And Ross, Ross is missing everything. So -

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: Maybe you two should live together.

Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? You don?t like me here?

Joey: No... No, no, I love living with you, it just seems that if you?re gonna have a roommate, it might as well be the father.

Rachel: But Joey, I don?t think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I mean - (Ross looks at her) ...or he does.

Ross: Look, I, I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we, we, we can just try it, like on a temporary basis.

Rachel: But Ross! It?s you and me!

Ross: Well, sure, but it won?t be anything romantic and I?m, I?m dating Mona. Dammit, Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What?s wrong with me?

Joey: So? What do you think?

Rachel: I don?t know. Is it crazy?

Ross: No!! It?s not. Joey, this is a smart idea.

Joey: Well, it was due.

Rachel: Ok, let?s do it. I?ll move in.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Aw, Rach, that?s great. That?s great.

(They hug with Joey watching.)

Rachel: Yay!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler?s taking off the hinges of the door with a hammer.]

Chandler: Not too shabby. I got this off myself...using my wife?s tools. (He takes the door off, revealing a closet packed tight with a bunch of miscellaneous junk. There are baskets, a box, a globe, a shovel and other stuff) Oh my God!!

(Monica comes home and gasps.)

Monica: How did you get in there?!!

(Chandler laughs.)

Chandler: You?re messy.

Monica: Oh no, you weren?t supposed to see this!

Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!

Monica: No, Chandler, you don?t understand! (He sings what I guess is the theme to the show) Ok, ok, fine, now you know! I?m, I?m, I?m sick!!

Chandler: Hey, you?re not sick. I don?t love you because you?re organized. I love you in spite of that.

Monica: Really? You promise you won?t tell anyone?

Chandler: I promise. And now that I know, if I?ve got some extra stuff lying around, can we, can we share the closet?

Monica: Oh. Well, it?s just, um. I?m afraid you might mess it up.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s...well, now it?s just Joey?s place again. He?s reading a Minute Maid orange juice jug. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Rachel?s all moved out, huh? How you taking it?

Joey: Well, uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but I got rid of those because Rachel couldn?t stand the smell. So, I?ve thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though! (shows him the jug) And, uh, it?s a couple weeks past its expiration date, so it?s, uh, it?s got a bit of a kick.

Chandler: Are you ok?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Yeah, I?m great! Yeah, I?m better than great. I am good. And now that she?s gone. I can, uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldn?t do before. Like, uh, I could walk around naked. Y?know? I can, uh, I can watch porn in the living room! Hey, this is, uh, this is good for me. Oh, I, I like being on my own. I?m better off this way. I?m, uh, a lone wolf. Y?know? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. ..what?s a wolf got to do to get a hug around me?!

(Chandler hugs him.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Phoebe?s place. She?s massaging Monica again.]

Monica: Ohh.

Phoebe: That?s it. Just relax.

Monica: Oh, oh!

Phoebe: Come on, more?

Monica: God!

Phoebe: Ok, you like that, don?t you?

Monica: Ohh, yeah, right there!

Phoebe: You want it there, you take it there, baby.

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! ...and now I?m going to cover you back up. And, um, I won?t be speaking to you for several weeks.

(She leaves.)

End