The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath


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Written by: Vanessa McCarthy
Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. Joey is eating Frosted Flakes.]

Joey: (in his head) All right. It?s a new day. All that stuff about Rachel, you don?t feel that now. It?s crazy. You?re fine. You?re better than fine. In fact, as your friend Tony would say, grrreat! Everything?s normal. She?s just your friend Rachel. Your friend, Rachel. Your friend, Rachel.

(Rachel comes out of her room.)

Rachel: Hi sweetie!

Joey: Hey! It?s your girlfriend, Rachel!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Monica exits from the bathroom and sits down in the living room with Chandler.]

Monica: Hi...

Chandler: Are you, are you high?

Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.

Chandler: Really? I don?t like baths.

Monica: Yeah, you do. You like them with me.

Chandler: It?s not the bath I enjoy, it?s the wet, naked lady.

Monica: Uh, baths are so relaxing.

Chandler: What do you do? You just sit there stewing in your own filth.

Monica: How dirty do you think I am? I?m telling you. If you had some candles, and some bubbles, and some music, you would love it! It would take all of your stress away.

Chandler: Honey, it?s two o?clock on a Wednesday and I?m watching Road Rules. How stressed do you think I am?

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Hey, Chandler. You, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.

Chandler: Oh yeah. (he searches through the fridge) Is this a leftover meatloaf talk or a cold pizza talk?

Joey: Neither.

Chandler: Oh my God, what?s up?

(They sit.)

Joey: I dunno. It?s just, lately, I?ve been feeling a little... (he can?t say it) Ok, here?s what it is... (he can?t say it) Y?know what, I feel a lot better, thanks.

Chandler: Just come back.

Joey: All right. Um, you and Monica. Friends a long time. And sure, there are rules. You went to London. But that?s different. I mean, there are rules there too. You know what I mean?

Chandler: Do you?

Joey: It was different for you guys. You were both in the same place, right? Yeah.

Chandler: Yes, when Monica and I were in London, we were both in London.

Joey: Y?know what, this is a bad idea. Forget it. (gets up) Forget it. This was bad. Listen, do me a favor. Keep this a conversation between you and me.

Chandler: If that.

(Joey leaves.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down with a muffin.]

Rachel: Hi. Ross, listen, don?t forget, we have that doctor?s appointment tomorrow.

Ross: Right.

Phoebe: Hey, are you going to find out the sex of the baby?

Ross: We talked about it and we don?t wanna know. All we care about is that it?s happy and healthy.

Rachel: Yeah. Happy and healthy and cute.

Ross: And smart.

Rachel: Popular.

Ross: With an aptitude for science.

Phoebe: Are you two talking about the same baby? Hey, have you started to think of names yet?

Rachel: Yeah. I?ve come up with a bunch of ideas.

Ross: Really? Me too.

Phoebe: Me too!

Rachel: Really?

Phoebe: Yeah. If it?s a girl, Phoebe. If it?s a boy, Phoebo.

Ross: Maybe. It wouldn?t hurt to have a backup though. Rach, Rach, what were you thinking?

Rachel: Ok. I was thinking if it?s a girl, how about...Sandrine? It?s French.

Ross: Oh. Oh. That?s a really pretty name for, for...an industrial solvent.

Rachel: Ok, fine, what do you have?

Ross: Ok, it?s a for a boy Oh, it?s a little out there, but, Darwin.

Rachel: Oh, oh my God, our child will be beaten to death in the schoolyard.

Phoebe: By Sandrine.

Ross: You?re just saying that cause I said no to your name.

Rachel: I?d really not.

Phoebe: How about you each get five vetoes?

Ross / Rachel: Oh ok.

Rachel: All right.

Ross: That sounds fair.

Rachel: Like you?re gonna need it though. Oh, check this out. If it?s a girl, Rain.

Ross: Veto.

Rachel: Why?!

Ross: Rain? ?Hi. Hi. My name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat.?

Phoebe: I know her!! ???

Ross: Ok. How about for a boy, Fatture! (?)

Rachel: Ross, do you hate our child?

Ross: Fine. You go.

Rachel: Ok. James.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: But only if it?s a girl.

Ross: Oh, veto. Ok, how about, ooh! I like Ruth. What about Ruth?

Rachel: Oh. I?m sorry. Are we having an eighty-nine year old? How about Dayton?

Ross: Veto. Stuart.

Rachel: Veto. Sawyer.

Ross: Veto. Helen.

Rachel: Veto.

Phoebe: Is it me, or is Veto starting to sound really good?

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Boy, do I really have a surprise for you!

Chandler: Sex on the balcony?

Monica: No, but someone?s really not going to get over that idea.

Chandler: What is it?

Monica: I drew you a bath.

Chandler: Honey, I don?t like baths. Could you draw me a picture of us having sex on the balcony?

Monica: Please, will you try it for me? Come on! I used all my best stuff! I, I lit some candles, I put on some music, I used bath salts, plus bubble bath. And I got you this little Navy ship. (holds it up) So it?s a boy bath.

Chandler: This does butch it up a bit.

Monica: I swear, if you try it, you?ll love it.

Chandler: All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?

Monica: Absolutely. (Chandler does a victory thing and rushes into the bathroom) I don?t know how that discussion?s gonna go.

[Scene: The bathroom. Chandler?s in the bath. There are candles at the foot of the tub and Only Time is playing. He?s apparently enjoying himself.]

Chandler: (in his head) All right. This isn?t so bad. I like the flowery smell. Which is ok because I?ve got my boat.

(He pulls it out. There?s a knock and Monica enters.)

Monica: So?

Chandler: Oh my God.

Monica: I told you you were a bath person. Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.

Chandler: I?m gonna need a bigger boat.

[Scene: The doctor?s.]

Ross: I don?t think you had an open mind about the name Ruth. Oh come on. Little Ruthie Geller? How cute is that?

Rachel: Oh, oh my God, I can practically hear the mah-jong tiles!

Dr. Long: Ok. All your tests look fine. Now, are you two interested in knowing the sex of your baby?

Ross: Oh, no, we?re not.

Rachel: Oh, but you have it right there in your file? You could tell us whether it?s a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?

Dr. Long: That?s right. But, if you don?t wanna know -

Ross: No. We wanna wait.

Rachel: Right. Right.

(Dr. Long gets beeped.)

Dr. Long: Oh. I?ll be right back. And I know it?s really not my place, but please don?t name your child Phoebo.

(She leaves. Rachel looks at the wall, covered with baby pictures.)

Rachel: So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?

Ross: What?! Rach, come on. That?s terrible. They?re, uh, they?re babies. They?re all beautiful.

Rachel: Third one from the left.

Ross: Yeah. Why is it staring at me? (Rachel starts to peak at the file) I think it knows I?m talking about it. Don?t, don?t you (turns around) what?!! You?re looking!!

Rachel: I didn?t!!

Ross: I saw you!!

Rachel: I did, but, but I didn?t see anything, I swear!!

Ross: Shame on you!! Ugly Baby judges you!!

Rachel: But, hey, Ross, listen to me! I -

Ross: No, no, don?t tell me, I don?t wanna know!!

Rachel: I couldn?t tell you even if I wanted to because I don?t know!! I really didn?t see anything and I don?t wanna know! It was just a momentary lapse.

Ross: A momentary lapse! Don?t you have any self control?!

Rachel: Uh, ok, a couple months late on the lecture, Ross.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Monica enters.]

Monica: Hello?

Chandler: I?m in the bathroom. Can you come in here? There?s something wrong.

Monica: Y-y?know what? I think I?ll wait out here.

Chandler: I?m in the bathtub.

Monica: Oh. (she goes into the bathroom) Hey. What?s wrong?

Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong. The water?s tepid, the salts didn?t dissolve and there?s now...lodged places. And the scents I used don?t compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomile? Oh!

Monica: What?

Chandler: The bath salts. They?re starting to effervesce. It?s different...It?s interesting.

Monica: Ok, um, let?s talk about something else.

Chandler: Right. Sure. Sure. So what was going on with you today? Oh! Oh!

Monica: Well, I actually had the weirdest conversation with Joey. He was talking about rules and right and wrong...

Chandler: I had the same conversation!

Monica: You did? What was he talking about?

Chandler: I don?t know. Joey hasn?t had this much trouble getting out a word since we saw him in Macbeth.

Monica: That was a loooong night.

Chandler: All right. Let?s break this down. What exactly did he say to you?

Monica: Ok. He was talking about rules.

Chandler: Uh huh.

Monica: And looking at people differently.

Chandler: He didn?t say anything about that to me.

Monica: Oh. What did he say to you?

Chandler: He was asking me all these questions about you, me and London. And of course the glue that holds us all together, the rules.

Monica: Ok. So, you, me and London, and looking at people differently. Maybe he wants to do what you and me did in London with someone.

Chandler: But what did he mean about rules?

Monica: Wait a minute. He stopped talking the moment Phoebe came in.

Chandler: He was looking at differently.

Monica: And Phoebe is his friend, so that would be breaking the rules!

Chandler: Oh my God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!

Phoebe: You guys?

Monica: Just a minute! The future Mrs. Tribbiani!

Chandler: Don?t say anything.

Monica: Why would I say anything? When two of our closest of friends could start the great love affair of our lives! And they would have me to thank! And we could all start having babies!!

Chandler: I?m not going to let you say anything!

(He starts to get up but Monica puts more stuff into his bath.)

Monica: Hey, you just stay here!

Chandler: Ahh...

(Cut to the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Oh! Monica, I brought back your iron.

(She holds it up.)

Monica: You had that?! I thought I lost it. I got a new one like a month ago.

Phoebe: Oh. Just as well. I broke this one. (she dumps it in the trash. Monica stares at her) What?

Monica: Nothing.

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: I mean, I, I, I really shouldn?t say. I?m really not supposed to.

Phoebe: Fine.

Monica: It?s a humdinger!

Phoebe: Well, then it?s really too bad that you can?t tell me.

Monica: Somebody likes you!!!

Phoebe: Oh. Is it Chandler?

Monica: No!!

Phoebe: Well, then tell him to stop staring!

Monica: It?s Joey.

Phoebe: Really, Joey? You don?t say?

Monica: Is it something you?d be interested in?

Phoebe: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. You know, on the one hand, mother may I. But, y?know, on the other hand, no. No, I can?t. It?s - no, oh no. I don?t wanna risk what we have.

Monica: I guess this makes sense. Do you think you?re gonna talk to him?

Phoebe: Sure, yeah. I mean, it?s Joey! He can?t get hurt. Wow! I must say, I am on fire! First Chandler, now Joey?

Monica: No, no. Not Chandler. Just Joey.

Phoebe: (not believing her) Uh. Sure.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is there and Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Y?know what, I?ve been thinking about it. I?m really coming along on the name Ruth. I think I would actually consider naming our child that.

Ross: Rach! I can?t tell you how much that means to me! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You, you hated the name Ruth. Why would you change your mind? Unless you know we?re never going to have to use it. You saw the folder and you know it?s a boy!!

Rachel: I didn?t see anything. I actually changed my mind about the name!!

Ross: Oh I don?t think so. You, you just gave me Ruth so that you?d get to name him when it?s a boy. And then you?ll swoop in and, and name him Heath! Or Blaine! Or, or Sequoia!

Rachel: I would - Sequoia!

Ross: Veto.

Rachel: Fine.

Ross: Unless!

Rachel: No...

Ross: Unless you anticipated that I would figure all this out and you know that it?s a girl. And, and you really do want her to be named Ruth! I?m not falling for that!! And Ruth is off the table!!

Rachel: But Ross, you want the name Ruth.

Ross: Not like this!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. Joey is there and Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Uh, what?s up?

Phoebe: Joey, I know.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: I knooow.

Joey: Whaaaat?

Phoebe: I know about your feelings.

Joey: Oh my God, you do?!

Phoebe: Yes. And I?m sorry. I know things worked out for Chandler and Monica, but that?s very rare.

Joey: I know, I know. And this, this is so much more complicated than it was for those guys! I mean, it?s Rachel for God?s sakes!

Phoebe: For God?s sakes, it?s Rachel.

Joey: I know, I know. And not only is she my friend, she?s my pregnant friend! My pregnant friend who?s Ross?s ex!

Phoebe: Yeah, that?s Rachel. Don?t beat me over the head with it.

Joey: What am I going to do? Y?know, I keep, I keep trying to get rid of these feelings. Like, last night, I stayed up all night making a list of all the things I don?t like about her. Wanna hear it?

Phoebe: Yeah.

(He gets it out of a drawer.)

Joey: ?She made me switch to Light Mayo.? That?s it! (crumbles up the paper) That?s all I got! And you know what? It tastes the same and my pants fit better.

Phoebe: Joey, I think you?re just getting upset with nothing. It?s probably just a crush.

Joey: You think?

Phoebe: Absolutely! Y?know, you get this rush of feelings, but then it goes away.

Joey: Yeah! It?s just a crush! That?s all this is! It?s a crush! I?m Joey, I don?t get deep feelings.

Phoebe: That?s right. There you go. Crushes happen all the time. I know I?ve had them for all you guys. Except for Ross and Chandler.

Joey: Huh.

Phoebe: And I?m sure you?ve had them for us.

Joey: Not really.

Phoebe: Umm hmm. (turns around) Throw me a bone here!

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel?s there and Ross enters.]

Ross: So, uh, I called the doctor and now we both know the sex of the baby.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: That?s right. The student has become the master.

Rachel: Ross, I swear. I don?t know!

Ross: Oh come on! You know it?s a girl!

Rachel: A what?!

Ross: You really didn?t know?

Rachel: We?re having a girl?!

Ross: No...

Rachel: That?s what you just said! A girl!

Ross: Yes. I?m sorry. I?m so sorry.

Rachel: Oh... Don?t be. We?re having a girl!! Sometimes I can?t believe it?s with you, but, uh, we?re having a girl!! Oh!

(They hug.)

Ross: I know, I know. Y?know what, I?m putting Ruth back on the table.

Rachel: Oh yes! We?ll have ourselves a little baby Ruth!

(They think about it.)

Ross: Permission to veto?

Rachel: Yes, please.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler enters. Monica comes out of the bathroom.]

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Do I smell essential oils?

Monica: Yeah, I?m going to take a bath. I?m just going to get a magazine.

(Chandler rushes into the bathroom and closes the door. Monica comes out with the magazine and goes into the bathroom. He?s already in the bath.)

Monica: What do you think you?re doing?!

Chandler: L-leaving my troubles behind?

Monica: I know you?re new at this, but this is completely unacceptable bath decorum.

Chandler: It?s so hard to care when you?re this relaxed.

Monica: Fine. You can have the bath but I am taking your boat. (she picks it up) You?re just a girl in a tub!

(She turns to leave but bumps into Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Ooh!

Chandler: Hey!!

Phoebe: Hi Bubbles. Manly. Well, I thought I would just drop by and let you knwo how it went with Joey.

Chandler: You told her?!!

Monica: She pulled it out of me!! She?s like a conversational wizard. How did it go?

Phoebe: Well, it turned out he doesn?t like me.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Yeah, how would you feel if you went to Lee Majors?s house and I told you he liked you, but you went down there and found out he didn?t like you, how would you feel?!

Monica: I don?t think I?d care.

Phoebe: Lee Majors is hot.

Joey: Hello?

Phoebe: We?re in the bathroom!

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Because it?s a relaxing and enjoyable time.

(He comes in.)

Joey: What are you guys doing in here?

Monica: Oh my God. A friend he?s looking at differently. But we?re wrong. It?s Rachel.

Chandler: You like Rachel?!!

Joey: Hey, look, it?s not a big deal. Phoebe and I talked about it. It?s just a crush. It will go away. Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles. Ooh!

(He looks away while Chandler does so.)

Phoebe: Mazel tov.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: I?ve been looking for you. What are we doing in here? Oh my...

Monica: Honey, cover it up with the boat.

(She hands it to him.)

Ross: Hello?

Chandler: Yes, we?re all in here and we?d love for you to join us!!

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Well, hey, hey, what?s going on? Ooh, cool boat. Oh no! Hey, did-did-did you tell them?

Rachel: No. I was waiting for you.

Phoebe: Tell us what?

Rachel: We?re having a girl.

Phoebe: Wow!

Joey: Yay!

(They all hug and then look at Chandler.)

Chandler: Oh, I?ll catch ya later!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. He?s eating Cocoa Puffs.]

Joey: (in his head) All right. It?s a new day. It?s just a crush. That?s all. Just a little crush. All that worrying I was doing, that was crazy. Crazy! Like the bird here would say, it was cuckoo! Everything?s going to be fine. It?s just a crush.

(Rachel comes out her room.)

Rachel: Hi sweetie.

Joey: I love you!!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s bathroom. They?re both in the tub.]

Monica: It?s nice to do this together, isn?t it?

Chandler: Yeah. And what you?re doing feels sooo good.

Monica: I?m not touching you.

Chandler: You?re not?

Monica: It?s the salt.

Chandler: Oh, sweet lord, new realms of pleasure.

Monica: Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy.

(She reads her magazine.)

End