The One With Ross?s Step Forward

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are there.]

Rachel: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Rachel: Look at that guy by the window. Wow!

Phoebe: He?s awfully short and I think he?s talking to himself. And to be completely honest, I don?t think he?s that good in bed.

Rachel: Uh! What is wrong with me lately? It?s like every guy I see! Oh, look at that guy for example. (they stare at a guy behind them) That is not the kind of guy that, that I would be attracted to, but right now, all Ii want to do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack!

Phoebe: Wait a second! This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right? This is completely normal. Around the fourth month, your hormones start going completely crazy.

Rachel: So this has happened to you?

Phoebe: Oh, absolutely! Yeah! Keep in mind now, I was carrying triplets. So, in medical terms, I was, I was thrice as randy.

Rachel: Wow, this explains so much!

Phoebe: Um hmm.

Rachel: Last night, I went from store to store sitting on Santas? laps.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from the Foot Locker.

Rachel: Ohhh...

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Uh! I?ll go see my doctor tomorrow. I?ll ask her about this. And get a pill or something.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, that?s what you need, a good pill.

Opening Credits


[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Joey are there. Mona enters.]

Mona: Hey.

Ross / Joey: Hey.

Mona: Hey. (kisses Ross) Look, I have our pictures developed from Rockefeller Center.

Ross: Oh! Hey, Joey, you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?

Joey: Ooh, uh, yeah... Ordinarily, I would love to, but right now, I?m just swamped. Uh, yeah.

(He brushes lint off his shirt and just sits there.)

Ross: Hey, where, where are the pictures that, that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?

Mona: They?re probably at the end.

(She flips through them.)

Ross: Oh.

Mona: Oh my God! All he took were pictures of my breasts!!

Joey: Is it picture time?!

(He tries to take a look but they don?t let him. Phoebe sits down and looks at the pictures.)

Phoebe: Y?know, she has a face, Ross.

Mona: Ok, ok, here?s a good one of us.

Ross: Wow, that is a good one. Wow, it looks like a, like a holiday card, y?know, with the tree in the middle and the, and the skaters and the snow.

Mona: Y?know, every year I say I?m going to send out holiday cards but I never do it. Do you want to send this one out together?

(Ross stares at it.)

Ross: Together, like to, to people?

Mona: Yeah! Y?know, ?Happy holidays from Mona and Ross.? It?ll be cute, ok?

Ross: Ok!

Mona: Oh, I gotta get to work. So call me later?

Ross: Oh, sure, sure.

(They kiss.)

Mona: Bye.

(She leaves. Joey sits next to Ross.)

Joey: Congratulations! You just got married!

Ross: I know! Can you believe that?

Phoebe: Oh, I, I?m sorry, what?s the big deal about a holiday card?

Ross: Married couples send out cards. Families send out cards. Couples that have been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards. What, what, is she crazy?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that?s your wife you?re talking about.

[Scene: Chandler?s office. Monica?s there. His boss, Doug, enters.]

Doug: Bing!! Ooh, and the Bingette!

Chandler: You remember my boss Doug, right?

Monica: Yes, hi.

Doug: So, good news. The divorce is final. I signed the papers this AM.

Chandler: You and Carol are getting a divorce? I?m sorry.

Doug: Sorry? I finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap. Hey, congratulations to your guys though!

Monica: No leg chewing for us, sir.

Doug: Give it time. So, the divorce, the marriage, we?ve got a lot to celebrate. I?ll take you all to dinner tomorrow night.

Monica: I can?t think of anything we?re doing! I cannot think of anything we?re doing.

Doug: Tomorrow night it is, then. Uh, I should be out of court by six. They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me and I kept knocking them out of the court!

Monica: Ok! We?ll see you tomorrow. (Doug leaves) Just so you know, we?re not seeing him tomorrow. I, I cannot spend another evening with that man. Remember how he behaved at our wedding?

Chandler: No.

Monica: That?s because he wasn?t invited. All right? Because of the way he behaved at our engagement party.

Chandler: Yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn?t it?

[Scene: Ross?s place. There?s a knock on the door. He opens it to Mona.]

Mona: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

(They kiss and she enters.)

Mona: Hey, I went by the photo shop. Take a look. Here is a mock up (?) of our card. Ok.

(Ross looks at it.)

Ross: It looks great.

Mona: Ok, do you think it should say ?Love Ross and Mona??

Ross: Well, we, we haven?t said that to each other yet. I guess it?s ok to say it to other people.

Mona: How many did you want? I?m getting a hundred.

Ross: A hundred! (laughs) Well, I, uh, I guess I?ll take uh - Mona, I uh, I?m not so sure about the, uh, the whole card thing.

Mona: Really? Why not?

Ross: Sending out a card together, I, I?m not sure we?re ready that yet.

Mona: Y?know, I didn?t think of it that way. You?re, you?re right. (they kiss) So, can I ask you a question?

Ross: Yeah.

Mona: Where are we? Y?know, where are we? Where is this relationship going?

(Ross thinks.)

Ross: Hmm...

Mona: I mean, I love spending time with you, y?know, we should be moving forward. I mean, we should probably talk about that.

(Ross chews on his fingers.)

Ross: Let?s do the card!!!

Mona: What?

Ross: The card! I think we?re there!!

Mona: Ok. But I, I still think we should have this conversation.

Ross: I mean, even with the card?

[Scene: The doctor?s. Rachel?s sitting on the table. A nurse knocks and enters.]

Rachel: Hi!

Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long couldn?t be here today. She was called to the hospital. Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.

Rachel: Oh, ok. Can I ask you a question? Was it me, or, or was the guy who took my blood sample really cute? You know who I?m talking about? Bowl haircut, hairy fingers...

(Dr. Schiff knocks and enters. Note: He?s actually cute; it?s not just Rachel. ;) )

Dr. Schiff: Hi Rachel, I?m Dr. Schiff.

(Rachel crosses her legs.)

Rachel: Yes you are!

Dr. Schiff: So, how?s it going?

Rachel: Oh, it?s really, really good! I mean, come on, where are you from, what do you do?

Dr. Schiff: I?m a doctor.

Rachel: Right. Right. I, actually, I mean, in your spare time. Do you cook, do you ski, or do you just hang out with your wife or your girlfriend?

Dr. Schiff: Uhh, I don?t have a wife or a girlfriend, but I do like to ski.

Rachel: Uh, me too!! Yay! How amazing is this?!

Dr. Schiff: So, are you experiencing any discomfort?

Rachel: No, I?m very comfortable.

Dr. Schiff: Any painful gas?

Rachel: No!! Dr. Schiff, what kinda question is that?!

Dr. Schiff: Ok, then. Would you like to lie down on the table?

Rachel: Well, would you want me to lie down on the table?

Dr. Schiff: I?m sorry, is there something going on here?

Rachel: Oh, do you feel it too?

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Phoebe: Oh hey! So, how did your doctor?s appointment go?

Rachel: Well, let?s see. Uh, they gave me Cute-Boy-Doctor today, and in the middle of the exam, I put my pinkie in his chin dimple.

Phoebe: Oh God!!

Monica: Why did you do that?

Phoebe: Ok, remember that little problem that I was having during my fourth month of pregnancy?

Monica: Oh yeah! The Evander Holyfield phase! Man! You were so hard up! You, you practically came on to me!

Phoebe: You wish!

Monica: Hey, I coulda had you if I wanted you.

Phoebe: Oh yeah? Come and get it.

Rachel: Ok, even this is turning me on.

(Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Oh hey Ross! Hey, how?s that, how?s that going with you and Mona? Are you guys still together?

Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah. We?re moving forward. You?ll be getting our card.

Monica: You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?

Ross: We?re doing the card! And she, she, she also wants to have the conversation about where the relationship is going.

Phoebe: Uh, women!!

Ross: I know, I know! Why do you guys have to have this conversation? I mean, no self-respecting man would ask a woman, ?So, where?s this going??

Rachel: Ross, you asked me that.

Ross: Hey, you were a closed book, ok?! I?m not a mind reader!! Besides, I, I hate those conversations. I?m horrible at them. Really. Maybe, maybe I need some kind of a gesture that says we?re moving forward without having to talk about it.

Monica: You could ask her to move in with you.

Ross: Whoa-ah, smaller than that!

Monica: Making her a mixed tape?

Ross: Uh, bigger than that?

Phoebe: Give her the a key to your apartment.

Ross: Whoa, hello! We were closer with the mixed tape.

Monica: All right. Have you said ?I love you?? You could say ?I love you?.

Ross: I don?t, I don?t think I?m quite there yet. Ooh! I could say ?I looove spending time with you!?

Phoebe: Ooh, we hate that.

Monica: That is a slap in the face.

Ross: Oh, forget it. Oh, oh, y?know what? I?ll have, I?ll have the conversation. I?ll just say I like things the way they are and, and hope for the best. What do you think, Rach?

Rachel: I think that if it were a little colder in here, I could see your nipples through that sweater.

[Scene: Chandler?s office. Doug enters.]

Doug: Bing! We?re all set for tonight. Eight o? clock.

Chandler: Oh, as a matter of fact, uh, we can?t do it. Monica has to work.

Doug: My ex-wife didn?t work. Unless you call turning into her mother work. Well, fine! Tomorrow night then.

Chandler: Oh! Tomorrow?s no good for her either.

Doug: Oh, why not?

Chandler: It?s the semifinals...of her...bocchyball (?) tournament.

Doug: What?s going on, Bing? Does, uh, your wife have a problem with me or something?

Chandler: Well, now, now you?re just talking crazy.

Doug: Oh, why can?t the three of us go out together?

Chandler: Well-well, because we, we split, we split up. Monica and I split up.

Doug: Good God, Bing. Well, I can?t say I?m altogether surprised. I saw the way she looked at you and there was no love there. And the way she looked at me. Pure lust.

Chandler: Y?know what would really help me through this tough time is choking something. Can I choke you?

Doug: Bing, my boy, we?re going to get you over this. So grab your coat, we?re going to go to a strip club!

Chandler: No, no, no. Monica would freak...(Doug glares at him)...but to hell with that bitch!!

(They leave.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is getting coffee Mona and himself.]

Ross: Here we go.

Mona: Thanks.

Ross: Mona, um, I, I think it?s time that we, we have a conversation about, about where things are, are for us.

Mona: Yeah. I, I, I suggested that.

Ross: Uh, we, we, we are sooo umm! So, um, I, I, I really like you. I, I love, um, y?know, hanging out with you. I, I, I?m having a lot of fun.

Mona: Ok...

Ross: I mean, there?s no point in spending time with someone if it?s just fun. I mean, it?s gotta be going somewhere, right? So where, where is it going? Ah! That?s, that?s the real question. And, and the, the answer is, it?s going somewhere fun. Now, I,I know what you?re thinking. Fun was fine with you like, like ten years ago. I mean, you?re not, you?re not getting any younger. No, no, not you, not you. You ARE getting younger! I mean, you, you look like you?re getting younger by the, by the second! What?s your secret?

Mona: I?m sorry. So, so where are we?

Ross: Oh, oh, to sum it up. We?re having fun. You look young.

Mona: Ok, I -

Ross: But that?s not enough! So, oh, (gives her a key) here?s a key to my apartment.

Mona: Really?!

Ross: Really.

Mona: You don?t think this is too fast?

(Ross shakes his head.)

Commercial Break


[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. Monica and Rachel are sitting on Francette. Ross is telling them about his situation.]

Rachel: You gave her a key to your apartment?!

Ross: Not a key. I gave her the only key!! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship!

(Phoebe enters with a bald guy.)

Phoebe: Ooh, Ross, how?d the conversation go?

Ross: Now I live on the street.

(He leaves.)

Phoebe: Where?! Hi.

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Ok, Monica, Rachel, this is my friend, Roger.

(Monica shakes hands with him.)

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: So, I?m going to get us some drinks. (to Rachel) Could you help me out?

Rachel: Ok.

(They go in the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Um, he?s here to have sex with you.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: (happy) You?re welcome!

Rachel: Phoebe, no!!!

Phoebe: It?s ok, he?s a virgin.

(Rachel just stares at her in shock. Monica goes up to them.)

Monica: Rachel, I was just talking to this guy at I was thinking, ok, he?ll have sex with you!

Rachel: Oh!!

Phoebe: Yeah, ok. Let?s leave these two alone.

Rachel: Dammit, no!! I don?t care what my hormones are doing, I?m not going to jsut do it with some random guy!

Phoebe: Fine! Then you tell Roger because he was really looking forward to this!!

(She leaves.)

[Scene: A strip club. Chandler?s sitting with Doug, who?s very drunk.]

Doug: Ooh, Bing! Look at those twin sisters dancing together. How about I buy you a lap dance with those girls?

Chandler: Oh, that?s all right, sir, and that?s just one girl.

Doug: Bing, what?s this?!

(He grabs Chandler?s hand.)

Chandler: It?s a hand! It?s the thing you use as a jack and Coke (?) holder.

Doug: No, the wedding ring. you gotta get rid of it. We gotta go to the East River now and throw it in!

Chandler: No, no, no.

Doug: Oh, yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!! I did! You?ll feel a hell of a lot better, and if you throw it just right, you might hit a seagull in the head.

[Scene: Ross?s place. A locksmith hands him a bill.]

Ross: Ok. Oh, I?m going to need a bunch of extra keys. Apparently I, I give them away for no reason at all.

(He goes back to fixing the lock. Mona enters.)

Mona: Hey, Ross, what?s going on? You?re changing the lock?

Ross: No. That guy is.

Mona: I don?t understand. You, you give me a key to your apartment and then you change the lock?

Ross: Uh -

Locksmith: Good luck, buddy.

(He leaves.)

Mona: Uh, I thought we were moving forward and now you?re, you?re sending me all these mixed signals. What are you trying t tell me?

Ross: I?m trying to tell you. I made you a mixed tape.

Mona: What?

Ross: (quickly) I love you.

Mona: Oh! Ohh! (they hug) And I love spending time with you!

(Ross realizes what she just said.)

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Monica is eating and Chandler enters. His hair and clothes are all messed up.]

Chandler: Hi honey. I?m home.

Monica: From the tequila factory?

Chandler: It was awful. To get out of going to dinner with Doug, I told him that you and I split up. He took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars. And then, when I wouldn?t give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird!

Monica: Come here. I can breathe through my nose.

(They hug.)

Chandler: You know what the worst part was? I got to see what my life would be like without you. Y?know, it was like, uh, It?s a Wonderful Life with lap dances. Please promise me that you will never leave me, that we will grow old and be with each other for the rest of our lives.

Monica: I promise. Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?

Chandler: Ooh, I, I don?t know if we?re there yet.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. Rachel?s on the phone.]

Rachel: Yes, hi, I?d like to order a pizza. Can I ask you a question? Is, is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very Abercrombie and Fitch. (Joey enters) I?ll call you back.

Joey: Who was that?

Rachel: It was just the pizza place.

Joey: You hung up on the pizza place? I don?t hang up on your friends.

Rachel: I?m sorry, honey. I?m just having a, I?m just having a rough day.

Joey: What?s wrong?

Rachel: Oh, you really, you really just don?t want to know about it.

Joey: Then why did I ask?

Rachel: Ok, it?s just that - and this is really embarrassing - lately, with this whole pregnancy thing, I?ve been finding myself, how do I put this, erotically charged.

Joey: Is that college talk for horny?

Rachel: yeah. So, y?know, I have all of these feelings and I don?t know what to do about them. I can?t date, like a normal person, which is fine, since I don?t need a relationship. All I want is one great night! Just sex, y?know, no strings attached! No relationship. Just, with someone I feel comfortable with and who knows what he?s doing. Just one great night. I mean, is that really so hard...(her face is only a few inches away from Joey?s) to find? (They both realize what?s happening and they stand up) So, so how was your day?

Joey: I, uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.

(He shows her how big it was with his hands.)

Rachel: Well, I gotta get up early and it?s almost (checks her watch) seven o?clock.

(She goes into her room.)

Joey: And I gotta go to my room too.

Rachel: Good night!

Joey: Good night! (They both close their doors and immediately come back out) I can?t do it!!

Rachel: I didn?t ask you to do it!!

Joey: You?re Rachel!

Rachel: You?re Joey!

Joey: You?re, you?re my friend!

Rachel: Right back atcha!

Joey: And plus, it?d be wrong and weird, and, and bad!

Rachel: And so bad! And I don?t know what you?re talking about, because I didn?t ask you to do anything!!

Joey: I know! (They stand there uncomfortably) You wanna do it?

Rachel: NO!!!!

Joey: Uh, me either, I?m just testin? you!!

Rachel: Hey, it?s the end of this conversation!

Joey: This conversation never happened!

Rachel: Never happened! Good night!

Joey: Good night!! (They go back into their rooms. Rachel slowly opens her door and peeks out) (from his room) Get back in there!!

Closing Credits


[Scene: Joey and Rachel?s. Rachel?s eating ice cream. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hi. Listen, I?m sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It wasn?t right. And I want to, to make it right, so I brought you something I think you?ll enjoy. Ok. (brings in the cardboard Evander Holyfield) Yeah, this is just a lone. I?m gonna want it back, so...I?m gonna go now. (She leaves but comes back and takes it) I?m sorry. I thought I could do it, but I can?t!!

(She leaves.)

End