The One With Chandler?s Dad

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Teleplay by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones
Story by: Greg Malins
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around the kitchen table as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Hey uh Mon, I saw the Porsche parked out front, can I get the keys? Thought I?d take that bad boy out for a little spin.

Rachel: Wait a minute! (To Monica) You let Ross drive the Porsche and when I ask you, you say you?re the only one who?s allowed to drive it.

Monica: Yeah, well he?s my brother! And plus he drives so slow he could never hurt it.

Ross: It?s a car Monica! Not a rocket ship!

Monica: Whatever Ross! Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you?re done.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Saw the Porsche out there Mon, lookin?good. When do I get to take that baby out again?

Rachel: (shocked) You let Joey drive it?!

Phoebe: I?ve never driven it! Okay? Not once! Okay once. Okay, I drive it all the time.

Monica: Nice work everybody! So much for the y?know, "You can drive it, but don?t tell Rachel" plan!

Rachel: Wow! I can?t believe you lied to me.

Phoebe: Okay, I can fix this! Okay Monica, Rachel thinks all you can talk about is the wedding. (Rachel glares at her.)

Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I won?t let you drive the Porsche is because you?re a terrible driver. There! That wasn?t about the wedding.

Ross: Look Rach if-if you want to go for a ride in the Porsche I?ll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.

Joey: Yeah, you got a couple hours?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Ross enters with all his hair sticking straight up.]

Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!

Rachel: Take the top down did ya?

Ross: Only way to fly.

(Rachel laughs.)

Rachel: Come on Ross give me the keys! Monica does not know what she?s talking about! I am an excellent driver!

Ross: You?re fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.

Rachel: Well in High School, that added up to head cheerleader.

(A woman walks by and smiles at Ross?s hair.)

Ross: Did you see the look that girl just gave me? Huh? She must?ve seen me cruising in the bad boy.

Rachel: I think she?s checking out your beehive Ross.

Ross: What?! (Checks his hair.) Give-give me a brush.

Rachel: Gimme the keys!

Ross: No way!

Rachel: Well no brush!

Ross: Fine! Y?know what? It doesn?t matter, because, if I remember correctly, there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.

(He goes to the bathroom and after he leaves Rachel goes through his coat and grabs the keys along with a $20 bill. The woman from before watches her do this.)

Rachel: (to the woman) Alimony. (Runs outside.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are counting the invitations as Chandler exits from the bathroom.]

Monica: Chandler, we still haven?t gotten an RSVP from your dad.

Chandler: Oh! Right. Umm, maybe that?s because I didn?t send him an invitation.

Monica: Chandler! He?s your father; he should be at the wedding.

Chandler: I don?t even know the man. Okay? We?re not that close. I haven?t seen him in years.

Monica: Well what are you gonna do when he finds out he wasn?t even asked?!

Chandler: Well he doesn?t have to know! It?s not like we run in the same circles. I hang out with you guys, and he stars in a drag show in Vegas.

Phoebe: Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.

Chandler: Trust me, you don?t want him there either. Okay? Nobody is gonna be staring at the bride when the father of the groom is wearing a back-less dress.

Monica: So what! As long as he?s not wearing a white dress and a veil I don?t care.

Phoebe: Okay, I think I need to do some shopping. (Gets up and leaves.)

[Scene: A Street, Rachel is throwing her coat into the Porsche and getting in.]

Rachel: Ahhh! (Gets in.) Ooh, nice!

(Suddenly from out of nowhere Ross dives onto the hood.)

Rachel: My God!

Ross: What do you think you?re doing?!

Rachel: Just washing the windshield. (She turns on the wipers forcing Ross off of the hood.)

Ross: There is no way I am letting you drive this car! So why don?t you just hand over the keys?

Rachel: Oh.

{Transcriber?s Note: She puts the key into the ignition, which is on the left side of the steering wheel. Does anyone know why that is? It?s a tradition left over from Porsche?s racing history. The world?s greatest endurance race is the 24 Hours of LeMans. Which is in France and runs for 24 hours straight from noon on Saturday through the dark of night and finishes at noon on Sunday. In the 60s LeMans had a unique start where the drivers would actually start the race outside of the car and across the track. At the start of the race, the drivers would run across the track, get in the car, buckle up, start the car, and drive off. Porsche wanted to reduce the amount of time that took. Since all cars to that point had the ignition switches on the right side of the steering wheel, that required the drivers to use their right hand to grab the seat-belts, put the car in gear and start it. The driver?s left hand did nothing. Porsche in order to save a few seconds in a 24-hour race; moved the ignition switches to the left side of the steering wheel so that the driver could start the car with his left hand while grabbing the seat-belts with his right hand. That?s why every Porsche car built since then has the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel.}

Ross: No ah-ah-ah! Do not start this car! (She starts the car.) Okay! Okay! I will give you twenty bucks if you get out of this car right now! (He looks for the twenty Rachel stole and doesn?t find it.)

Rachel: Look Ross, if you?re so freaked out, just get in the car!

Ross: With you?! Yeah right!

Rachel: All right. (She starts off.)

Ross: (grabbing the car) Okay! Okay! Okay! (He gets in, but into the back seat.)

Rachel: What are you doing?! Get in the front!

Ross: In the death seat?!!

Rachel: Oh my?

(They drive off.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are on the couch as a man enters.]

Man: Hey guys!

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey sweetie!

Man: Ready to go?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica?s. I?ll be right back. (She goes to get it.)

Man: (stopping her) Wait a minute!

Phoebe: What? (He leans in to kiss her.) Oh. (They kiss and Phoebe pauses.) Ooh. (Pause) Whoa! That one kept going. (Exits.)

Joey: So! You and Phoebe huh? How long have you been going out?

Man: Over a month.

Joey: Wow! Maybe uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.

Man: Sure, I?d like that.

Joey: So uh, what?s your name?

Man: (laughs) It's Jake.

Joey: Joey. (They shake hands.) Hey Jake, do you like the Knicks?

Jake: Yeah, big fan.

Joey: Me too! There?s a game on Tuesday, do you wanna go?

Jake: Yeah that would be great! Let me make sure I?m not doing anything Tuesday. (He bends over to open his bag, when he does so his pants slide down his butt revealing a pink lace secret.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is entering from the bedroom carrying two bags of luggage.]

Monica: Here! (She sets a bag down in front of him.)

Chandler: What?s this?

Monica: It?s your suitcase. We?re going to Las Vegas.

Chandler: Are you serious?! I mean like eloping?! No more stupid wedding stuff?! No more these flowers or these flowers or these flowers?Think of the money we?ll save!! (Monica just looks at him.) We?re not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger please?

Monica: We?re going to Las Vegas to see your dad. It?s time you two talked, and I want to get to know my father-in-law.

Chandler: Y?know we already went over this and I won!

Monica: No you didn?t. Oh and honey, just so you know, now that you?re marrying me, you don?t get to win anymore.

Chandler: Look forget it okay? I don?t want to go. I don?t want to see him. I don?t wanna.

Monica: Chandler, look I-I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know?

Chandler: No-no all kids are embarrassed by their parents, you?d have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in High School, he used to come to all of my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. Y?know it?s hard enough to be fourteen. You?re skinny. You?re wearing speedos?That your mom promised that you would grow into! And you look up into the stands and there?s your dad cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda. He was wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack!

Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on! Okay? That?s a, that?s a pretty great dad.

Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi!

Monica: Who?s Mr. Garibaldi?

Chandler: Does it matter?!

Monica: Chandler, you?re not fourteen anymore. Okay? Maybe it?s time that you let that stuff go. If your father?s not at your wedding?you?re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

Chandler: Yeah o-okay, but I?m just doing this for you.

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: So I really never get to win anymore?

Monica: How much did ever really win before?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Joey enters.]

Joey: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Listen, you know how uh, when you?re wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Well, when Jake did it I saw that?he was wearing women?s underwear!

Phoebe: I know. They were mine.

Joey: Oh. (Laughs.) No! No wait, that?s weird!

Phoebe: No, it?s not! We were just goofing around and I dared him to try them on.

Joey: That?s weird!

Phoebe: I?m wearing his briefs right now.

Joey: That?s?kinda hot.

Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.

Joey: Yeah, I wouldn?t know about that.

Phoebe: And! Y?know what Jake says? That women?s underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.

Joey: Yeah well next thing you know, he?ll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture!

Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake! Okay? He is all man! I?m thinking even more than you.

Joey: Oh yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacys.

Phoebe: I?m just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women?s underwear! I don?t think you could ever do that.

Joey: Hey! I am secure with my masculinity.

Phoebe: Okay, whatever.

Joey: You?ve seen my huge stack of porn, right? (Phoebe nods.)

[Scene: The Porsche, Rachel is driving along a highway and Ross has finally moved to the death seat and is terrified.]

Rachel: God. I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.

Ross: (shocked) You don?t have a valid driver?s license?Okay that is it! Pull over right now!

Rachel: Oh Ross you?re so tense! You just gotta relax, okay? Just need to relax all right? Just need to relax?(She takes her hands off of the wheel.)

Ross: (grabbing the wheel) What-what are you doing?! Are you?Okay that?s not funny! Just stop horsing around!

Rachel: I am not horsing around, okay? I am Porsching around.

(Suddenly a siren goes off behind them.)

Rachel: Uh-oh. (She starts to pull over.)

Ross: Okay, stay calm. Nothing is going to happen to you, you are not in that much trouble.

Rachel: Really? You think so?

Ross: I was talking to myself! You?re going down!

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is walking from the bathroom to his bedroom and walks past a pile of Rachel?s laundry, which just happens to include a selection of panties. He stops, goes back to the basket, looks for Rachel, picks up a lavender thong, and heads for his bedroom. However, he decides he doesn?t like his selection and goes back this time picking up a red low-cut silk brief and heads for his room, flexing along the way to prove his masculinity.]

[Scene: Las Vegas, we have the typical glamour shots of Vegas and the strip before we arrive at 4 Queens bar, where Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table waiting for the show to start.

A Waiter in Drag: (to Chandler and Monica) Has someone taken your order yet?

Monica: Uh oh yeah, she did. Uh, he did. (To Chandler) She? (To the waiter) I?m-I?m sorry I?m new. I don?t?

Waiter in Drag: (To Chandler) Hm-mmm?

Chandler: Yeah, I just ordered a beer! (Pounds the table.)

Waiter in Drag: You?re straight. I get it. (Walks away.)

Monica: I still say that if we had called your dad we coulda gotten better seats.

Chandler: No! No! I don?t want him to know we?re here yet! I?m not sure I?m ready for that. And besides, he?s not gonna be too happy to see me either.

Monica: Why not?!

Chandler: I don?t know if I?ve told you this, but he?s kinda tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Yeah, he?s made phone calls, written letters, he even came to New York, but I always said I was too busy to see him. Y?know it?s all very Cats in the Cradle?I don?t want to get into it. (The show starts.) Here we go.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the incomparable Helena Handbasket!

(There?s applause as Helena turns around and it?s Kathleen Turner.)

Helena: Hello darlings.

Chandler: And there?s daddy!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are waiting for the cop to come talk to them.]

Rachel: Okay. Switch places with me! Switch places with me! Come on! I?ll go under, you go over!

Ross: Yeah, I?ll get right on that.

Rachel: Oh come on Ross!! (She tries to switch places with him and goes under his leg.)

Ross: No Rach! Come on! No-no! Yeah, I?m sure we won?t get arrested for this.

(She sits back up as the policeman approaches. She undoes her top button.)

Rachel: (sexily) Hi officer, was I going a little too fast?

Ross: Oh my God.

Policeman: Can I see your license please?

Rachel: Oh yes, absolutely! Y?know, it?s weird uh, but I had a dream last night where I was stopped by a policeman. And then he uh?well I probably shouldn?t tell you the rest.

Policeman: Your license?

Rachel: (handing it to him) Yes. Here you go Officer uh, Handsome.

Policeman: That?s Hanson.

Rachel: Oops sorry, my mistake.

Ross: Dear Lord!!

Policeman: Wow!

Ross: Here it comes.

Policeman: This is a great picture.

Rachel: Really?! You think so? Y?know, I had just rolled out of bed.

Policeman: Yeah? Well you look phenomenal.

Ross: Well she should, it was taken ten years ago!

Rachel: Y?know you?re-you?re probably wondering about the old date on there.

Policeman: Yes I am.

Rachel: Yeah.

Policeman: You?re an Aquarius, huh?

Rachel: I bet you?re a Gemini.

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Taurus?

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Virgo?

Policeman: Nope.

Rachel: Sagittarius?

Policeman: Yep.

Rachel: I knew it! I knew it, ahh?

Policeman: Well I tell you what?

Rachel: Yeah?

Policeman: You?re not gonna speed anymore right?

Rachel: I won?t speed.

Policeman: And you promise you?ll get this taken care of right away?

Rachel: I promise.

Policeman: And in the meantime you better let him drive. Does he have a license?

Rachel: Yeah!

Policeman: Can he handle the stick?

Rachel: Oh well?

Ross: I can handle the stick!!

[Scene: 4 Queens Club, Helena Handbasket is singing.]

Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and?She holds the mike out to the audience.)

All: Gay!

Monica: That can?t be your father.

Chandler: Believe me, I?ve been saying that for years. Oh my God!

Monica: What?

Chandler: That?s Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.

Helena: (singing) For I?m loved by a pretty wonderful boy! (Applause.) Hello! And welcome to the show. I see some of our regulars in the audience. And a couple of irregulars. (He starts going into the audience.)

Chandler: He?s coming into the audience. He?s coming into the audience.

Monica: Relax! You?ll be fine. (Chandler exhales and turns off the table light.) Oh much better. You?re invisible now.

Helena: (standing at a table and asking the guy sitting there) Where are you from?

Guy: Bakersfield.

Helena: I?m sorry? (Holds out the mike.)

Guy: Bakersfield!

Helena: No-no I heard! I?m just sorry.

Chandler: It can?t happen like this. Okay? I?ll meet you back at the hotel.

(He gets up to walk out, but Helena spots and stops him.)

Helena: (to Chandler?s back) Oh look, a standing ovation already! So early in the show. Oh turn around honey; let me see your pretty face. (He slowly turns around. Helena recognizes him.)

Monica: Can we have our drinks please?! Waiter?Uh, tress!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Joey enters strutting.]

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (He sits down next to her.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Check it out. (He turns around, pulls down his pants, and shows Phoebe that he?s got panties on.) How much of a man am I?!

Phoebe: Wow! Nice! Manly and also kind of a slut.

Joey: Y?know, I?m beginning to see what Jake was talking about.

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Joey: The silk? Feels really good!

Phoebe: Huh.

Joey: Yeah! And-and things aren?t as?smashed down as I thought they were gonna be.

Phoebe: That?s great Joe!

Joey: Yeah! And you have so many more choices than you do with men?s underwear!

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Joey: Bikini, French cut, thong! And-and the fabrics! You?ve got cotton, silk, lace! And y?know what I?ve always wondered about?

Phoebe: Hmm?

Joey: Pantyhose! Y?know? The way they start at your toe and go all the way up to here?(He mimed that and stops when he realizes he went too far.) I should go take these off shouldn?t I?

Phoebe: I think it?s important that you do.

(Joey agrees and heads to take them off.)

[Scene: 4 Queens Club, scene continued from earlier.]

Helena: So what?s your name?

Chandler: (resigning himself to his fate) Chandler. (He quickly sits down.)

Helena: Chandler? What an unusual name! You must?ve had terribly fascinating parents.

Chandler: Oh, they?re a hoot.

Helena: (To Monica) And who is your friend?

Monica: I?m-I?m Monica.

Helena: Monica! Where are you from?

Monica: New York.

Helena: I?m not very fond of New York. Queens I like. (Noticing Monica?s ring.) Ooh, what is this sparkle something! (Shows the audience who woos.) Honey! Huh?

Chandler: Actually Monica and I are engaged.

Helena: Really?! Congratulations. When?s the big day?

Monica: (looks at Chandler) In?in two weeks.

Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So you?re bald?

Chandler: Wait! Wait! We?d really love it if you could be there.

Helena: We? (Looks at Monica who nods.)

Chandler: I know it would make me happy, ma?am.

Helena: Well I wouldn?t miss it for the world. Oh! I?m getting all misty here! You?d think I was having my legs waxed or something. (Goes back on stage.)

Monica: (To Chandler) You okay?

Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.

Helena: Before we go on with the show, I just want to say to the bride and groom how lucky they are to have found each other. In every life, a little rain must fall. Fortunately, in my life?(Four guys wearing rubber boots, shorts, hats, and nothing else carrying umbrellas run onto the stage.) (Singing) It?s raining men!

The Chorus Line: Hallelujah!

Helena: It?s raining men!

The Chorus Line: Amen!

Chandler: (To Monica) When I was growing up I?played the one on the far left.

[Scene: The Porsche, cars are whizzing by and honking their horns on both sides very quickly as Ross creeps along.]

Rachel: Remind me to introduce you to someone!

Ross: Who?

Rachel: Fourth gear!!

(Suddenly a siren goes off.)

Ross: What?! What does he want?! I wasn?t doing anything!

Rachel: Well maybe he saw your hand slip briefly from the ten and two o?clock position.

Ross: Maybe it?s uh Sergeant Sagittarius coming back to flirt some more! (They pull over.)

Rachel: It?s a different guy!

(The policeman walks up.)

Ross: Good evening officer.

Policeman: Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?

Ross: Ah no. I don?t, but it could not have been more than sixty.

Policeman: You?re right. It was 37. (Rachel laughs.)

Ross: I mean you?re not gonna give me a-a ticket for driving too slow are ya?

Policeman: That?s right.

(There?s a pause as Ross gets suddenly flirtatious.)

Ross: Y?know of-officer I uh?I had the weirdest dream last night?

Rachel: Oh my God!

Policeman: Your license please.

Ross: (laughs) You don?t-you don?t want to hear about my dream Officer?Pretty?

Policeman: It?s Petty. (He grabs Ross?s license.) I?ll be right back with your ticket. (Walks back to his car.)

Rachel: (pause) You have a son!

Ross: I know. I know.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is returning from having removed Rachel?s panties.]

Phoebe: Feel better?

Joey: Yeah! Much! Listen uh, not that I?m y?know insecure about my manhood or anything y?know, but I think I need to hook up with a woman like right now.

Phoebe: Yeah, I understand.

Joey: Yeah! Okay! (He notices a beautiful woman sitting behind the couch and goes to talk to her.) Hey! Hi!

Woman: Hi!

Joey: Y?know, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Woman: I don?t think so.

Joey: Oh! Maybe it?s because I?m on television. I?m an actor on Days of Our Lives.

Woman: Wow!

Joey: Yeah.

Woman: Really?!

Joey: Hm-mmm.

Waitress: (to the woman) $4.50 please.

Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.

End


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The One With Chandler and Monica?s Wedding

Part I Written by: Greg Malins
Part II Written by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman
Parts I & II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Monica: Do you realize this is probably the last time we?ll all be here in the coffee house as six single people?
Phoebe: Why?! What?s happening to the coffee house?! (Monica looks at her.) Oh! (Realizes.)
Chandler: Yep! From now on its gonna be the four of you guys and me and the mrs. The little woman. The wife. The old ball and chain.
Monica: Old?
Chandler: The young hot ball and chain.
Monica: That?s much better.
Rachel: (checking her watch) Op! We gotta go! (The girls stand up.)
Ross: Oh, where are you guys going?
Monica: We?re gonna pick up the wedding dress, then we?re gonna have lunch with mom. (Joey stands up.)
Ross: Ah. Joey, you?re-you?re having lunch with my mom?
Joey: No, I-I just heard lunch. But yeah, I can go. Sure! (They all exit.)
Ross: (To Chandler) Y?know what? Actually I?m kinda glad they?re leaving ?cause uh, I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What?s up?
Ross: Well this uh, this may be a little awkward.
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. I?m buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, its?Its not that. Umm, now what I?m going to say to you, I?m not saying as your friend. Okay? I?m-I?m saying as it as Monica?s older brother.
Chandler: But you?re still my friend?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time?are you, are you still my best man?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Do I still call you Ross?
Ross: Okay! You guys are getting married tomorrow and-and I couldn?t be more thrilled for both of you, but as Monica?s older brother I-I have to tell you this. If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass! (Chandler laughs.) What? I?m-I?m-I?m serious! (Chandler laughs harder.) Come?Hey! Dude! Stop it! Okay? I?m-I?m not kidding here!
Chandler: (smiling) Hey, I hear what your saying, okay? And, thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So are we?friends again?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay. (Pause) You won?t believe what Monica?s older brother just said to me!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the girls are having breakfast.]
Rachel: What?cha doing Mon?
Monica: I?m making a list of all the things that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding. Now, that way I can be prepared.
Phoebe: What are they?
Monica: Well, so far I have uh, my bridesmaids' dresses won?t get picked up, my veil gets lost, or I don?t have my something blue.
Rachel: Hey! Those are all the things I?m responsible for!
Monica: I had to go with the odds Rach.
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didn?t get the part?
Rachel: The commercial?
Joey: No!
Phoebe: That play?
Joey: No!
Monica: That other play?
Joey: Nooo!
Phoebe: The movie?
Joey: Yes!!
Phoebe: Ohh!
Joey: Yes, that?s the one about the soldiers who fight in World War I!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Back then y?know, we called it the Great War. It really was!
Joey: Well anyway, the guy they wanted backed out and now they want me! I start shooting today!
Phoebe: Congratulations!
Rachel: Oh that?s great!
Monica: Wait! Wait! Wait! You can?t start today! Today?s the rehearsal dinner!
Joey: Oh no, I?ll be done by then.
Monica: Oh. Well then way to go, you big movie star!
Joey: I know! All right, I?ll see you guys over there! I?m off to fight the Nazis.
Rachel: Oh, wait Joey! We fought the Nazis in World War II, not World War I.
Joey: Whoa! Okay. Yeah well, who-who was in World War I? (Rachel pauses as she thinks.)
Phoebe: Go ahead.
Rachel: You?re gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
Monica: Who did we fight in World War I?
Rachel: Mexico?
Phoebe: Yes! Very good.
[Scene: Pier 59 Studios, Joey is in costume and standing at the craft services table. He checks his pockets and finds some prop coins in a pouch, which he replaces with some cookies.]
The Assistant Director: (approaching) Hey Joey! We?re ready.
Joey: Yeah! Me too. (He pats his pocket.)
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? We?re ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby, he?s playing Vincent.
Joey: I?m doing my scenes with you?
Richard: Nice to meet you Joey.
Joey: Wow! I can?t believe this! This is incredible. I mean you just won an Oscar!
Richard: No I didn?t.
Joey: I think you did.
Richard: I think I lost. Three times.
Joey: Uh?Cookie?
The Director: (approaching) Okay! We?re about an hour away from getting the scene lit. So uh, if you guys don?t mind, can we run it a couple of times?
Richard: Yeah, sure.
The Director: Okay, all right. Let?s do it. (He walks off.) And?Action!
Joey: We have to find the rest of the platoon!
Richard: Forget the platoon! The platoon is gone! (He is spitting on the hard Ps and Ts.)
Joey: (wiping his face) What?!
Richard: (still spitting) The platoon is dead! Face facts Tony!
Joey: (wipes face) So what are we gonna do?! We have no reinforcements! No-no food!
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
(Joey wipes his eye.)
The Director: Hang on a minute! Joey, you keep touching your face. Is something wrong?
Joey: (glances at Richard) No. Nope, I uh?I th?I thought it might be kind of a cool character thing. Y?know? He?s uh, he?s a face toucher. (Behind his back, Richard is nodding no.)
The Director: I don?t think so. Let?s take it back to Richard?s last line. (Walks off.) Action!
Richard: We may not have any weapons, but we still have food. In the basement I saw potatoes and some dry pasta, and a few tins of tuna! (Joey backs away and wipes his face again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is standing in the kitchen ready to leave for the rehearsal dinner.]
Monica: Honey, we gotta go!
Chandler: (entering from the bedroom) Okay. Here?s a question you never have to ask. My dad just called and wanted to know if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: (laughs) I don?t have anything like that, but let me go see if Rachel does.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.
Monica: Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow we?ll be getting married?
Chandler: Wait a minute! I have a date tomorrow night.
Monica: I just, I can?t believe that we made it!
Chandler: Well you don?t have to sound so surprised.
Monica: I?m sorry but?nothing.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Well?honestly ever since we got engaged I have been waiting for something to.. to flip you out.
Chandler: Honestly? Me too.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Y?know I keep thinking that something stupid is gonna come up and I?ll go all?Chandler. But nothing has.
Monica: Ohh, I?m so glad. Thank you so much for staying so calm during this. I mean it?s really, it?s made me stay calm. (Chandler just looks at her.) I coulda been worse!
Chandler: Okay. I?ll be right there.
(She exits and as Chandler picks up his coat, the phone rings and the answering machine gets it.)
Monica: (voice on answering machine) Hi! If you?re calling before Saturday, you?ve reached Monica and Chandler. But if you?re calling after Saturday, you?ve reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing! Please leave a message for the Bings!
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner, Chandler and Monica are greeting guests as they arrive. A woman enters.]
Monica: Hey Maureen! (They hug.) Gosh! Hey uh, Chandler? This is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We?re the Bings.
(Phoebe and Rachel walk up.)
Rachel: Hi! Oh you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing! (Walks away.)
Ross: (walks up) Wow Monica! Hey, just so you know I had my uh, older brother chat with Chandler.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Well I?I told him that if he ever hurt you I would hunt him down and kick his ass! (The girls all laugh.) What?! What?! What is the matter with everybody?! I am serious! I would kick his ass! (The laugh harder.)
Phoebe: Ross, please! My make-up! (He walks away angrily.)
(Chandler?s Mom enters and Chandler meets her by the door.)
Chandler: Hi.
Mrs. Bing: Chandler!
Chandler: Mom. Thanks for wearing something. (They hug.) (She?s wearing a tight dress with a lot of cleavage showing.)
Mrs. Bing: Oh honey! This is so exciting! I thought we screwed you up so bad this day would never come. Oh and just think. Soon there?ll be lots of little Bings. (He freaks out and loosens the tie again.)
(Monica and her parents walk up.)
Monica: Mrs. Bing? Here, these are my parents umm, Judy and Jack Geller.
Mrs. Geller: (shaking her hand) It?s lovely to meet you.
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Mrs. Geller: Jack!
Mr. Geller: What?! I?ve never seen one before!
Monica: Dad! There?s Ross (points), why don?t you go talk to him?
(Mr. and Mrs. Geller start to walk away.)
Mr. Geller: I didn?t even have a chance to act as though I?m okay with it!
Mr. Bing: (entering) Hello all!
Chandler: Hi?dad.
Monica: Hi Mr.?Bing.
Mr. Bing: Nora!
Mrs. Bing: Charles.
Monica: It-it?s so great to see you both here.
Mr. Bing: Yes! Although, I think we may be seeing a little too much of some people. Aren?t you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Mrs. Bing: Don?t you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Chandler: Oh my God! (He and Monica walk away.)
[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller talking to Ross.]
Mr. Geller: ?of course you can kick his ass son.
Mrs. Geller: You could kick anyone?s ass you want to.
Ross: Thanks you guys. (Walks away happily and his parents smile.)
[Cut to Monica.]
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would you talk to Chandler?s dad and try to keep him away from Chandler?s mom?
Rachel: Yeah! But I don?t know what he looks like!
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Rachel: Man in the black dress?(Monica walks away and Rachel looks around to find a woman in a black dress.) (To her) Hi! I?m Rachel! I?m a friend of Monica and Chandler?s!
Woman: I?m Amanda.
Rachel: Oh I get it! A?man?duh!
Ross: (clinking a wine glass) Can I have everyone?s attention please? I?m uh; I?m Ross Geller.
Mr. Geller: Doctor Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad?dad, please! As I was saying umm, I?m Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and I?m the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, she?s the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if you?d all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple we?re here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
All: To the Bings!
(Everyone clinks glasses and Chandler freaks out again.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are in the kitchen.]
Monica: All right, I?m gonna go steam my wedding dress okay? Who wants the responsibility of making sure nothing happens to it?
Rachel: I?ll do it.
Monica: Who wants it? Anybody?
Rachel: I said I?ll do it!
Monica: Nobody wants to do it? All right, I?ll do it myself.
Rachel: Monica! I?m not gonna screw it up!
Monica: Y?know what? You?re right, I?m sorry. Actually you were a big help tonight. Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Rachel: Well of course that is what I?m here for!
Monica: Okay. Sorry. (Monica goes into the bathroom.)
Rachel: Ugh! (To Phoebe) What grandmother?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is wearing sunglasses and as he exits his bedroom, Ross enters the apartment.]
Joey: Hey! Where have you been?
Ross: Oh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
Joey: Oh.
Ross: What? Are you going back to work?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: Nice shades.
Joey: Thanks. Yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes at least I won?t get spit in the eyes, y?know?
Ross: And if I remember correctly, Ray Ban was the official sponsor of World War I!
Joey: Great! All right. I?ll see you later. (He starts to leave.)
Ross: Hey, where?s Chandler?
Joey: Uh, I think he?s in Rachel?s room. See ya. (Exits.)
Ross: (going up to Rachel?s closed door) Chandler? (He opens the door and looks inside and doesn?t see him.) Chandler? (He checks the bathroom and still doesn?t find him. He then finds a note on the counter. He picks it up and reads it.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe and Rachel are in the kitchen as there is a knock on the door. Rachel answers it.]
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Is uh, is Monica here?
Rachel: She?s steaming her dress, why? What?s up?
Ross: I think Chandler?s gone. (He hands her the note.)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: He left that.
Rachel: (reading the note) Tell Monica I?m sorry.
Phoebe: (walking up) What?s up? (Rachel hands her the note and she reads it.) Tell Monica I?m sorry. (Pause) Tell her yourself!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hallway, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel are discussing the note.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler just left though!
Rachel: Yeah but, maybe it?s not what we think. Maybe it?s tell Monica I?m sorry I?drank the last of the milk.
Phoebe: Or maybe he-he was writing to tell her that-that he?s changed his name, y?know? Tell Monica I?m sorry.
Ross: I think it means he freaked out and left!
Phoebe: Don?t be so negative! Good God! Isn?t it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachel?s apartment) right now?!
Rachel: Okay. Phoebe, I-I think Ross is right. What are we gonna do?
Ross: Look?Okay, I?m just gonna?I?m gonna have to go find him and bring him back! Okay? You-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: (pointing at Ross) Okay but if you don?t find him and bring him back, I am gonna hunt you down and kick your ass!
(Ross laughs and Phoebe points harder.)
Ross: (scared) I will, I will find him.
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is getting his make-up touched up as Richard approaches.]
Richard: Hey Joey, could you uh, go through these lines with me? (He?s holding a script.)
Joey: Oh man! They-they just redid my make-up!
Richard: Just the last two pages.
Joey: Alright.
(They go onto the set.)
Richard: I found the picture!
(He?s still spitting and Joey holds his script in front of his face.)
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard: Could you uh, could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can uh, play off your reaction.
Joey: Okay uh, look I know you?re a great actor, okay? And you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff?
Richard: Oh, thanks.
Joey: But you?re spittin?all over me man!
Richard: Well of course I am!
Joey: You know you?ve been spitting on me?!
Richard: That?s what real actors do! Annunciation is the mark of a good actor! And when you enunciate, you spit! (Spits on the t)
Joey: (wiping face) Wow! Didn?t know that.
Richard: Great!
Joey: Thanks! Okay-okay check it out! (Reading from the script) Picture? What picture? (He pauses then spits) Eh?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is behind the counter as Ross enters looking for Chandler.]
Ross: Gunther have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: No. No, I haven?t seen him.
Ross: Oh damn!
Gunther: He?s getting married tomorrow, right?
Ross: Yes. Yes. Don?t worry. Everything?s fine. We?ll uh, we?ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
Gunther: I wasn?t invited.
Ross: Well then, we?ll-we?ll see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (They?re sitting by the window.) What-what?what you guys doing here?!
Mr. Geller: Well, you kids talk about this place so much, we thought we?d see what all the fuss is about.
Mrs. Geller: I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
Ross: Why?!
Mrs. Geller: The sexy blonde behind the counter. (She waves at Gunther who waves back.)
Ross: (shocked) Gunther?!
Mr. Geller: Your mother just added him to her list.
Ross: What? Your-your list?
Mrs. Geller: Yeah, the list that?of people we?re allowed to sleep?
Ross: Yes! No-no! I know, I know what the list is! Mom! Look if you see Chandler, could you just let him know I?m looking for him?
Mr. Geller: And if you see Rita Moreno, let her know I?m looking for her.
(Ross points at him and exits.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Richard and Joey are doing a scene.]
The Director: Action!
Richard: I found the picture!
Joey: What picture?!
Richard: The picture of my wife! In your pack!
Joey: You went through my personal property?
Richard: Why do have a picture of Paulette in your pack?!
Joey: (pause) Because Vincent, we were lovers. (Pause) For two years!
The Director: Cut! Wonderful!
(Joey and Richard both wipe their faces and are given towels.)
Joey: Great scene yeah?
Richard: Oh you?re awesome! And, in that last speech? You soaked me.
Joey: Thanks a lot.
The Assistant Director: (To Joey) Here?s your call sheet for tomorrow.
Joey: Oh, I?m-I?m not working tomorrow.
The Assistant Director: You are now.
Joey: No! No! I can?t! You gotta get me out of it! I?ve got plans! (Spits.) Important plans! (Spits on the Ps.)
(The AD walks away wiping his face.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the next morning, Rachel and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Rachel: (closing the door) Ross said there?s still no word from Chandler.
Phoebe: Oh man.
Rachel: Oh but he did say that they found the grandmother wandering down fifth avenue.
Phoebe: Okay. Well there?s one down.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) I?m getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I don?t care because today?s my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Phoebe: Y?know she might not even notice he?s gone.
Monica: (re-entering) I?m gonna start getting ready! (Goes back into her room.)
Rachel: God! Don?t?We can?t let her start getting ready! This is too awful! Oh God, but wait she?ll be in the gown and then he won?t show up and then she?s gonna have to take off the gown?
Phoebe: Shhh! Stop it! Stop it Rachel! You can?t do this here! (She drags her into the bathroom.)
Rachel: I?m sorry. I?m sorry. It?s just?It?s just so sad!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you?ve got to pull yourself together! Monica can?t see you like this! Then she?ll know something?s wrong!
Rachel: I know. I know. Oh God. (Looking around) There?s no tissue! Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Phoebe: Yeah. (Looks.) Oh, that?s gone too. This is Monica?s bathroom right?!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No-no! I-I?I found one.
Rachel: Okay.
(Phoebe reaches into the trash can, pulls one out, and hands it to Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh thank you! (Wiping her nose.) Oh God! (She throws it out.) Can I have another one?
Phoebe: (looking into the trash can) Sure. (Reaching into the trash can.) Do you need some floss? (Grabs a piece of it.)
Rachel: Oh God I just cannot imagine what is gonna happen if Chandler doesn?t show up!
Phoebe: Oh here?s a whole bunch.
Rachel: Oh, I mean she?s gonna be at the wedding waiting for him and people will be whispering, "Oh that poor girl." Y?know? Then she?ll have to come back here and live all alone.
Phoebe: (finding something interesting in the trash can) Oh my God!
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: There was a pregnancy test in the garbage, and it?s positive. Monica?s pregnant. (Rachel covers her mouth.) So I guess she won?t be totally alone.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Chandler?s bathroom, the scene is continued from earlier.]
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: I know! Monica?s gonna have a baby! Hey, can this count as her something new?
Rachel: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hey, do you think this is why Chandler took off?
Rachel: No, she had to have just taken that test because I took out the trash last night.
Phoebe: Oh God, this is turning into the worst wedding day ever! The bride is pregnant. The groom is missing. And I?m still holding this. (She throws the test back into the trash.)
Rachel: Okay Phoebe, we cannot tell anyone about this.
Phoebe: Right.
Rachel: Okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, okay. Hey, wait. Do you know what kind of birth control she was using?
Rachel: No. Why?
Phoebe: Just for the future, this is hardly a commercial for it.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is just hanging up the phone as Rachel and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: No! I talked to Joey on the set, he hasn?t heard from him. I-I-I talked to Chandler?s parents again!
Phoebe: You told them he was missing?
Ross: No! I made it seem like I was just calling to chat. Pretty sure, they both think I?m interested in them.
Rachel: All right, we?ve got to tell her he?s gone. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No! Hey! Hey! We can?t!
Rachel: Ross, she?s gonna start getting ready soon!
Ross: Well, can?t you at least stall her a little? I?ll-I?ll go back to some of the places I went last night.
Rachel: All right, well how much time do you need?
Ross: Well how much time before she absolutely has to start getting ready?
Rachel: One hour.
Ross: Give me two.
Rachel: Then why do you ask?!
(They all go into the hallway.)
Ross: Okay, wish me luck.
Phoebe: Okay. I?m going with you.
Ross: Why?!
Phoebe: Ross, you?re tired. You?ve been looking all night. And clearly you suck at this.
Rachel: All right, I?ll see you guys later.
Phoebe: Okay. Wait, do you know how you?re going to stall her?
Rachel: I?ll figure something out.
Phoebe: All right. Good luck.
Rachel: Thanks.
(Phoebe and Ross go to look for Chandler and Rachel enters Monica and Chandler?s.)
Monica: Hey! Okay, so I thought we?d start with my make up and then do my hair.
Rachel: Okay uh, but before you do that. I-I, I need you to talk to me.
Monica: About what?
Rachel: Umm?I?m never gonna getting married!
Monica: Yeah you will! The right guy is just around the corner! Okay, are we done with that?
Rachel: No Monica! I?m serious! Oh, maybe I should just forget about it. Become a lesbian or something.
Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have ya.
Rachel: Well maybe it would make me feel better if I slept with Joey.
Monica: (jumping up) Rachel! You okay?
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is reporting for work.]
Joey: Excuse me, Aaron? (The director turns around.) Hi! Umm, I have a little problem with the schedules. Originally, I wasn?t supposed to work today, and I have this wedding that I really have to be at. It?s my best friend?s, and I?m officiating so I really can?t work past four.
The Director: Joey, you gotta stay until the end. We can?t stop filming just for you. It?s not like it?s your wedding. (Starts to walk away.)
Joey: I?m having surgery!
The Director: What?!
Joey: Yeah, I-I just made up the stuff about the wedding because I didn?t want you to worry about me. But, I?m having surgery today.
The Director: What kind of surgery?!
Joey: Transplant.
The Director: But you?re supposed to work on Monday.
Joey: Hair transplant.
The Director: But you?re not bald.
Joey: It?s not on my head.
The Director: Look Joey, there?s nothing I can do. Besides, you?re probably gonna be out by four anyway. We?ve just got one short scene. It?s just you and Richard, and God knows he?s a pro. You?ll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: Hey! You?re here! Great! Great! Great! Let?s get going buddy, we?ve got a scene to shoot!
Richard: I?m wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes you are!
Richard: All right.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Ross are exiting a pizza place.]
Ross: We are never gonna find him! He?s one guy in a huge city!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Is that him? (She points at someone.)
Ross: That is an old, Chinese woman!
Phoebe: He could be in disguise, y?know.
Ross: Aw, y?know?Y?know, maybe we?re-we?re just approaching this all wrong. If you?re Chandler and-and you wanna hide, where is the last place on Earth people would think you?d go?
[Cut to an office building.]
Ross: So this is your office?
Chandler: How did you guys find me? I knew I should?ve hid at the gym!
Phoebe: What the hell are you doing?!
Chandler: Panicking! And using the Internet to try to prove that I?m related to Monica. How is she?
Ross: She?s fine. She doesn?t know you?re gone. And she doesn?t have to know, okay? Now come on, we?re going home.
Chandler: No! No! No! I can?t do that!
Phoebe: Why not?!
Chandler: Because if I go home, we?re gonna become the Bings! I can?t be the Bings!
Ross: What?s wrong with being the Bings?
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages! They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games!
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents!
Chandler: It?s not just their marriage! I mean, look at yours. Look at everybody?s! The only person that can make marriage work is Paul Newman! And I?ve met me; I am not Paul Newman. I don?t race cars! I don?t make popcorn! None of my proceeds go to charity.
Phoebe: But look Chandler, right now no-one has a lower opinion of you than I do. But I totally believe you can do this.
Chandler: I want to. I love her so much, but I?m afr?It?s too huge.
Ross: Y?know, okay. You?re right. It is huge. So why don?t we take it just a little bit at a time? Okay? Umm, forget getting married for a sec; just forget about it. Can you just come home and take a shower?
Chandler: Well yeah, but then?
Ross: (interrupting him) Yeah?No-but-but-but-but! We?re just gonna go home and take a shower. Now, that?s not scary right?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by we.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel is still trying to stall Monica.]
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. (Checks her watch.) But then the day comes! And that?s every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again?
Monica: (interrupting) The days and nights are hard! I get it! Okay? Look umm, Rachel I?m sorry! I have to start getting ready! I?m getting married today!
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That?s such a hard time for me.
Monica: (getting up) I?m gonna go put my make-up on, we have to be at the hotel in an hour! (Starts for the bathroom.)
Rachel: Okay. But wait!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: Let?s go to lunch.
Monica: I can?t go to lunch!!
Rachel: Right.
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Rachel thinks quickly.)
Rachel: Oh good God! I?ve fallen down! (She trips and falls.)
Monica: (entering) What?s going on?
Rachel: Okay. Alright. (Gets up.) Honey listen. When I tell you what I?m about to tell you, I need you to remember that we are all here for you and that we love you.
Monica: Okay, you?re-you?re really freaking me out.
Rachel: We can?t find Chandler?Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)??s vest. We can?t find Chandler?s vest.
Monica: How can that be?! Oh wait! Wait! Are you, are you serious?!
Phoebe: (entering) Found the vest! I mean we?re gonna have to keep an eye on it, y?know make sure we don?t lose it again?
Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Don?t scare me like that okay? I mean for a minute there I was like, "Oh my God! The worst has happened!"
(Monica goes into the bathroom and Phoebe and Rachel breathe a sigh of relief.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey and Richard are in the middle of a scene. They are both holding swords.]
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: That can be arranged.
(Richard thrusts, misses Joey by several feet and Joey screams in pain and drops to his knees.)
The Director: Let?s reset.
Joey: What?! He got me! Owwwwww!!!
The Director: Let?s take it from there.
Richard: (To Joey) Are you a little off today? It?s going terribly slowly.
Joey: Look, my best friends are getting married in like an hour. Okay? And I?m the minister. Please! Please! Can you pull it together?
Richard: Of course! I?m-I?m sorry. I-I?d hate you to miss anything like that on account of me. I can do this!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
Joey: I would sooner die in this hellhole then see her back with you!
Richard: Now, that can be arranged! (He brings his sword back and drops it, causing it to fly over the wall.) Slippery little bugger!
[Scene: The Hotel, Monica?s room, Mr. and Mrs. Bing are staring at each other while Phoebe looks on.]
Phoebe: So-so you two were married huh? What happened? You just drift apart?
(Rachel and Mrs. Geller enter.)
Mrs. Geller: Here comes the bride.
(Monica enters wearing her wedding dress.)
Phoebe: Oh my God Monica!
Monica: I wanna wear this everyday.
Rachel: You look so beautiful.
Monica: (starting to cry) I?m so happy for me.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
Rachel: Hello?
Joey: (on phone) Hey! Did Chandler show up yet?
Rachel: Yeah, we got him back. Everything?s fine.
Joey: Damnit!
Rachel: What? Why? Where are you?
Joey: I?m still on the set!
Rachel: Joey! The wedding is in less than an hour!
Joey: I know! I?m sorry! The guy?s drunk, they won?t let me go until we get this.
Rachel: Oh my God! I?m gonna have to find another minister.
Joey: No! No, I?m the minister! Alright, look-look, put ?em both on the phone, I?ll marry them right now.
Rachel: Ugh! Joey, I have to go.
Joey: Hey! Don?t you hang up on me! I?ll marry you and me right now! I have the power!
(She hangs up anyway.)
[Scene: Chandler?s Hotel Room, Ross is getting Chandler ready.]
Ross: There you go. You put on a tuxedo! Now that wasn?t so scary, was it?
Chandler: No.
Ross: I?m telling you, just a little bit at a time.
Chandler: Yeah okay. Well, what?s the next little bit?
Ross: Getting married. (Chandler panics.) Okay. Okay. You can, you can do that too! Just like you?ve done everything else!
Chandler: Yeah. You?re right. Hey I-I can do that.
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay, excuse me for a minute. (Starts to leave)
Ross: Wh?Hey?Whoa-whoa, where, where you going?!
Chandler: Ross, I am not gonna run away again! I just want to get a little fresh air.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)
Chandler: Oh fresh air!
(He hears Phoebe and Rachel coming and hides in the ice machine room.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wait! Maybe, maybe you?re overreacting! You do that y?know.
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, y?know. I mean there?s no way Joey?s gonna make it in time. So I?m gonna go through the hotel and see if there?s any other weddings going on.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh but don?t tell them Monica?s pregnant because they frown on that.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay.
(They head in separate directions and Chandler emerges and he?s so shocked that his cigarette is hanging from his lip.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Hotel, Rachel is walking through the ballroom area and comes upon the sign for the Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding.]
Rachel: Anastassakis/Papasifakis wedding, excellent! {It?s a good thing Jennifer Aniston is Greek, because she had to pronounce those names. Luckily for me, they were written on a sign.}(The happy couple emerges.) Congratulations. (To the best man and maid of honor) Mazel Tov! (The rabbi emerges.) Hi! Oh, great hat. (He?s wearing an interesting hat and she takes him over to talk.) Listen umm, I need you to perform another wedding. Can you do that?
The Rabbi: I don?t know. Are they Greek Orthodox?
Rachel: Yeah! Yeah. They?re?they?re-they?re my friends, uh, Monica Stephanopolus and uh, and Chandler Acidofolus.
[Scene: Monica?s Hotel Room, Chandler and Monica?s parents and Phoebe are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi! (To Mrs. Bing) Hi! (Mr. Bing starts rubbing his arm.) Hi. Has umm, anyone seen Chandler?
Mr. Geller: I thought he was with you.
Ross: He-he was with me umm, we?re playing a little game, y?know? Hide and seek.
Mr. Geller: You can?t ask us son, that?s cheating.
Ross: (pause) You?re right, thanks for keeping me honest dad.
Mrs. Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can?t see the bride in the wedding dress.
Mrs. Bing: As I recall when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Mr. Bing: But that was after the wedding, it?s not bad luck then.
Mrs. Bing: Honey, it isn?t good luck.
(Monica enters.)
Ross: Oh my God! Monica!
Monica: I know! Hey, how?s Chandler doin?
Ross: Great. He?s doing great. Don?t you worry about Chandler.
Monica: Are you okay?
Ross: Uh-huh.
Monica: Well, you?re-you?re sweating.
Ross: These-these are beads of joy.
Monica: Oh that?s sweet. Don?t touch me.
Ross: Uh Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
Phoebe: Yeah!
(They both go out into the hall.)
Phoebe: What?s going on?
Ross: Chandler?s gone again!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Why would you play hide and seek with someone you know is a flight risk?!
(Ross just glares at her.)
[Scene: The Movie Set, Joey is walking up to the director, pleading with him to let him go.]
Joey: Aaron! You gotta let me go. The guy?s hammered!
The Director: I?m sorry Joey, as long as he?s here and he?s conscious we?re still shooting.
(He walks away and Joey does Ross?s fist thing. He then enters Richard?s dressing room, to find Richard cutting his steak with his sword.)
Richard: You wouldn?t happen to have a very big fork?
Joey: So I uh, I just talked to the director. That?s it, we?re done for the day.
Richard: Well have we finished the scene?
Joey: Yeah! You?you were wonderful.
Richard: As were you.
Joey: So I got your car, it?s right outside.
Richard: Why? Are we done for the day?
Joey: That?s what you told me.
Richard: Oh, thank you. You?re welcome. (He stands up, staggers to the couch, and starts to lie down.)
Joey: No-no-no! We gotta go! Come on! (Joey picks him up in a fireman?s carry and carries him out.) Here we go.
Richard: Is that my ass? (He?s looking at Joey?s.)
(And as Joey walks out the door, Richard grabs a bottle of Scotch, just as the door closes and carries it with him.)
[Scene: The Hotel, Phoebe and Ross are looking for Chandler.]
Ross: (turning a corner) There he is!!
Chandler: What?
(Ross runs over and tackles him.)
Phoebe: Hey! Oh!
Ross: You?re not getting away this time mister! Unless you want that ass kicking we talked about!
Chandler: Ross! (He starts to get up.)
Ross: Hiiii-Ya!! (Chandler lies back down.) I?m serious! You?re not walking out on my sister!
Chandler: (standing up) That?s right! I?m not!
Ross: Then where the hell have you been?!
Chandler: I know about Monica.
Phoebe: You know?!
Ross: What?
Chandler: Yeah, I heard you and Rachel talking.
Ross: What?! What?! Talking about what?!
Chandler: You don?t know?
Ross: Know what?If somebody doesn?t tell me what?s going on right now?
Phoebe: What? You?ll hi-ya?
Chandler: Monica?s pregnant.
Ross: Oh my God. Oh my God! And you?re-you?re?you?re not freaking out?
Chandler: Well I was! Then I went down to the gift shop because I was out of cigarettes?
Phoebe and Ross: Cigarettes?!!
Chandler: Big picture please! So I was in the gift shop, and that?s when I uh, saw this. (He holds up a little, tiny baby jumper that reads I (heart) New York.) Yeah, y?know what? I thought anything that can fit into this, can?t be scary.
Phoebe: Well you obviously didn?t see Chucky 3.
Chandler: But come on, look at how cute and small this is! So I got it to give Monica so she?d know I was okay.
Ross: Dude. (Hugs him.)
(Mr. Geller turns the corner.)
Mr. Geller: Way to go son! I knew you?d find him!
[Scene: The moment we waited for has finally arrived. It?s time for Monica and Chandler?s wedding. We?ve got violins playing Every Breath You Take, we?ve got guests seated, and Chandler starts walking down the aisle with his parents on either arm.]
Mr. Bing: Our little boy is getting married.
Mrs. Bing: Oh look at you! So handsome!
Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) I?m so glad you're here. (He kisses his mom.)
(He walks up onto the altar and notices the rabbi.)
The Rabbi: Are you Chandler?
Chandler: Are you Joey?
(Ross walks down the aisle with Phoebe and Rachel on his arms.)
Ross: Huh. This is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I?ve never walked down the aisle knowing it can?t end in divorce.
(Finally, Monica with her parents on her arms start down the aisle.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica: She?s right there.
Mrs. Geller: Not that old crow, my mother. (They stop and she kisses Monica on the cheek.) Congratulations darling.
Mr. Geller: I love you sweetheart. (He kisses her and they sit down.)
(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)
Chandler: You look beautiful. Is this new? (Her dress.)
Monica: Not now.
Chandler: Okay.
(They both step up onto the altar and she notices the rabbi.)
Monica: (To Chandler) Who is this?
The Rabbi: I am Father Kalebasous.
Chandler: (in Monica?s ear) He?s Greek Orthodox.
Rachel: (leaning in) As are you?
The Rabbi: Let us begin. Dearly beloved?
Joey: (entering) That?s my line! (He walks up the aisle and to the rabbi) I can take it from here, thanks. (To all) Dearly beloved, I?m sorry I?m a little late. You may be confused by this now, (He?s still in costume) but you won?t be Memorial Day weekend 2002. Well, let?s get started before the groom takes off again. Huh? (Monica is shocked and looks around.) We are gathered here today, to join this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. I?ve known Monica and Chandler for a long time, and I can not imagine two people more perfect for each other. And now, as I?ve left my notes in my dressing room, we shall proceed to the vows. Monica?
(She turns to get her vows from Rachel.)
Monica: (To Rachel) He took off?
Rachel: Go on! Go on. (She turns back to Chandler.)
Monica: Chandler, for so long I?I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I?d ever been looking for my whole life. And now?here we are?with our future before us?and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soul mate, my friend. Unless you don?t want to. You go!
Joey: Chandler?
(Ross leans in to give Chandler his vows.)
Chandler: (To Ross) No, that?s okay. (Ross nods and retreats.) Monica I thought this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when I saw you walking down that aisle I realized how simple it was. I love you. Any surprises that come our way, it?s okay, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I?m sure? (He leans in and kisses her.)
Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?
Chandler: I do.
Monica: I do.
Joey: Yeah you do!
Ross: Rings?
Joey: Aw crap! Okay?uh?uh let?s-let?s do the rings.
(Chandler and Monica both turn, take the rings from Ross and Rachel respectively, and place them on each other?s fingers.)
Joey: We good? Yeah? Good? Once again, I pronounce you husband and wife. (To Chandler) Now kiss her again.
(They kiss and everyone applauds.)
Chandler: (To Monica) I love you. And I know about the baby.
Monica: What baby?
Chandler: Our baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn?t take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then?who did?
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]
Phoebe: Oh and they?re gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.
(The camera zooms in on Rachel who has a very worried and frightened look on her face and she slowly takes a deep breath.)
[Fade to black.]
Ending Credits
{Transcriber?s Note: There was no trailer for this episode. See you in season 8; which will start this fall.}
End