The One With All The Cheesecakes

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Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
With Help from: Aaron Howard-Miller


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[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s, Chandler is sitting at the kitchen table eating cheesecake. The box it came in is also on the table.]

Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.

Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.

Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.

Rachel: Oh, y?know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I?Chandler puts a forkful of the cheesecake in her mouth.)?Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)

Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.

Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. (Gasping) Thief.

Chandler: I?no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've opened the box.

Rachel: Why, why not?

Chandler: Because it's too delicious.

Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.

Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Momma?s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I?m a horrible, horrible, horrible person.

Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I?m sorry, what?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Rachel is there as Joey gets up and starts putting on his coat.]

Joey: All right, I should get going, big day at work. Y?know I?m in a coma? Today, they do this test on me and it turns out I?m not brain dead.

Chandler: So?

Joey: Ah-ah-ah Mr. Smartie Pants, it?s just my character that?s not brain dead. Hey, so Pheebs, we still on for tonight?

Phoebe: Absolutely!

Joey: I?ll see you at 8:00.

Phoebe: Okay. (Joey exits.)

Chandler: Oh, what?s at 8:00?

Phoebe: Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.

Ross: Wow, did not know that! May I say how lovely you look today?

Phoebe: Duly noted.

Ross: Thanks. (Phoebe gets up to get a refill.) (To Monica) Oh! So for tomorrow, do you want to rent a car and drive down together or what?

Monica: What are you talking about?

Ross: Cousin Frannie?s wedding, it's tomorrow night.

Monica: You were invited?!

Ross: No.

Monica: My God, I can?t believe this! I mean I knew that mom and dad were invited, but I thought that was it! I mean from the ages 7 to 9 Frannie and I were inseparable!

Chandler: Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie?s made some new friends.

Ross: Well l-look okay, it?s probably just a mistake. Let me call Aunt Sheryl okay? Maybe you are invited and the invitation just got lost in the mail.

Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that y?know when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadn?t have stopped her, there probably wouldn?t even be a wedding to go to.

Ross: Y?know, she tried to undress me too.

Chandler: I used to undress my cousin Glenn. (Monica looks at him then shushes him.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are playing Monopoly as Phoebe enters angrily.]

Phoebe: Joseph Francis Tribbiani are you home yet?!!

Rachel: Umm, I think he?s still out. What?s wrong?

Phoebe: Well, I?ll tell you Rachel Karen Green, I had plans with Joey tonight and he left me this note. (Hands it to Rachel.)

Rachel: (reading the note) "Pheebs, can?t make it, got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy." (Laughs) Big Daddy?

Phoebe: Oh that?s a nickname we were trying out.

Ross: Hey, y?know what nickname never caught on? The Ross-A-Tron! (Monica shakes her head in disgust.)

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh! Here?s Joseph Francis!

Joey: Oh-Wha-Ho! What are you middle naming me for?! I left you a note!

Phoebe: So what?! That doesn?t give you the right to ditch me!

Joey: Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there is the possibility for sex!

Ross: Phoebe he?s right, that is the rule.

Phoebe: I don?t accept this rule. When we make plans, I expect you to show up. Okay, I can?t just be a way to kill time ?til you meet someone better! Y?know boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this (Motions that their friendship) is for life!

Joey: Wow! I?m so sorry; I had no idea it would bother you this much.

Phoebe: Well, it does.

Joey: Okay, can I-can I make it up to you? Huh? I?m sorry. (They hug.) How about uh, dinner tomorrow night?! I?ll pay for myself!

Phoebe: Okay, you wore me down.

Ross: Hey Joe, while you?re over there how about another beer for the Ross-A-Tron?

Joey: The Ross?Is that back?!! (Chandler motions no.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.]

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!

Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what?s the problem?

Chandler: I can?t seem to say goodbye.

Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?

Chandler: Well I?ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!

Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling?(Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!

Chandler: (closing the box) Y?know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.

Rachel: Yeah and we?ll drop it off downstairs so that we?re not tempted.

Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?

Rachel: Momma?s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Joey are there. Joey is reading a newspaper.]

Joey: Awww! Mel Torme died.

Monica: Joey, that paper?s like a year old!

Joey: Aw! Does that mean the Sam Goody?s sale is over?!

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: So I finally heard back from Aunt Sheryl and apparently it wasn?t a mistake. Ahh, there?s-there?s limited seating in the hall.

Monica: Limited seating?! (Screechingly) I am just one tiny person!

Ross: Well yeah, but she doesn?t know that. I mean, the last time she saw you-you would?ve turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.

Monica: (disgusted) Limited seating! Oh, that is such a lame excuse! That?s not the reason she?s not inviting me!

Ross: Oh what?s the big deal?! I wasn?t even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and y?know what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then we?ll-we?ll leave early as a sign of protest.

Monica: Joan?

Ross: Yeah, Joan Tedeski my date. She?s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department. Tall, very beautiful, and despite what some people say, not broad backed!

Monica: Wait a minute, you got Ross Gellar and guest?! I wasn?t invited and you got "and guest?!"

Joey: Uh-uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt on Ross?s behalf. I-I think the rule applies here y?know, since she has a chance to get on broad back?

Ross: (interrupting) Not broad backed!

Monica: Wait a minute, y?know, you?re bringing me!

Ross: What? I can?t cancel on Joan!

Monica: Why not?!

Ross: Bec?Did you not hear me?! She?s an assistant professor in the Linguistics department, okay? They?re wild! Why do you want to come anyway?

Monica: Because! She?s my cousin. I mean, we grew up together! We?re family y?know? Well that?s important to me.

Ross: Okay, all right, I?ll take you. I?ll go call Joan. (Does so.)

Joey: Aww that?s nice. Family should be there, huh? This is her wedding, happiest day of her life.

Monica: (laughs) We?ll see.

[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel?s building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.]

Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.

Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn?t pay, I thought you paid!

Chandler: So apparently we just don?t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?

Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.)

Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)

Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she?ll be gone for months.

Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don?t want her to come back to bad cheesecake.

Rachel: No that could kill her.

Chandler: Well, we don?t want that.

Rachel: No, so we?re protecting her.

Chandler: But we should take it.

Rachel: But we should move quick.

Chandler: Why?

Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.

Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take off upstairs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Phoebe are entering. As Phoebe is sitting down, she recognizes someone sitting at the counter.]

Phoebe: (gasps) (whispering) Oh my God! That?s David!

Monica: David who?

Phoebe: David the scientist guy, David that I was in love with, David who went to Russia and broke my heart David!

David: (noticing Phoebe) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh, you say someone?s name enough, they turn around.

David: Phoebe?

Phoebe: David! (He kisses her cheek) What-what are you doing here? Aren?t you supposed to be in Russia?

David: Yeah, I?m just, I?m just in town for a conference. Umm, God you look phenomenal!

Phoebe: Well?Yeah. You look great too. Did you get a haircut?

David: Yeah. Well I-I got like thirty of them.

Phoebe: Yeah.

David: Umm, look I-I-I got a confession to make?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

David: Uh, I-I-I was hoping to run into you here. I didn?t know whether I should call or not, y?know I-I was only in town for a few days. And y?know, I didn?t want to intrude on your life or-or anything like that, but I-I really wanted to see you and?but I didn?t know if you wanted to see me.

Phoebe: Well, of course I would want to see you. I?I think about you all the time.

David: Really? Because I think about you all the time.

Phoebe: Really?

David: I mean, there?s a statue in Minsk?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

David: That reminds me of you so much, I mean umm, it-it?s actually of Lenin. But, y?know at certain angles?

Phoebe: Yeah.

David: Umm, anyway?Do you want to have dinner tonight?

Phoebe: (excited) Yes! Oh no!

David: (disappointed) Oh. Uh, what?

Phoebe: I can?t. I can?t believe I have plans, I can?t. Can you do it tomorrow night though?

David: Uh no, I have to go in a few hours. I have to be on the red-eye. Well listen, y?know, next time you?re in Minsk umm?

Monica: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh. (They go over and talk.)

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.

Monica: So! He?ll understand!

Phoebe: No he won?t. And that?s not even the point! Monica, I made a whole speech about you do not cancel plans with friends! And now y?know what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life comes back from Russia just for one night, I-I should change my beliefs?! I should change beliefs! No! No! No, if I don?t have my principles, I don?t have anything!

Monica: God, you are so strong.

Phoebe: Or! I should rush through dinner with Joey and I can meet David at 9:00!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.]

Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!

Chandler: I?m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I?ll regret it.

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: (seeing what they?re doing) What do you got there?

Rachel: Oh it?s umm, it?s tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)

Chandler: What are you doing tonight?

Joey: Huh? Uh?(He starts taking off his pants.)

Chandler: Dude! Dude! (Motions that Joey should pull up his pants.)

Joey: Oh! (Pulls up his pants.) Sorry. Uh, I?ve got those plans with Phoebe, why?

Chandler: Oh really? Uh, Monica said she had a date at 9:00.

Joey: What?! Tonight?!

Chandler: That?s what Monica said.

Joey: After she gave me that big speech?! She goes and makes a date with a guy on the same night she has plans with me? I think she?s trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy!

[Scene: Cousin Frannie?s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are entering and finding their table.]

Ross: Oh here, I think this is us. (Reading the name cards.) Yeah.

Monica: Limited seating my ass. Let?s see who made the cut. (To the couple sitting to her right.) Hi!

The Wedding Guest: Hi!

Monica: I?m Monica Gellar. Who do you know the bride and groom?

The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.

Monica: Used to work with her. Used to! I?m a relative and I didn?t get invited! A blood relative! Blood!!

Ross: (To Monica) Stop saying, "Blood" to strangers.

Monica: (to the couple on her left) So, how about you huh? How do you know the happy couple?

The Second Guest: We went to college with both of them and now we live next door.

Monica: Okay, you?re fine.

[Scene: Iridium Restaurant, Phoebe and Joey are looking at the menus as the waiter comes to take their order.]

The Waiter: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

The Waiter: Are you guys ready?

Phoebe: Yes! I will have the green salad, umm the house salad, and water?s fine.

The Waiter: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

The Waiter: (To Joey) And for you sir?

Joey: Yeah, this slow roasted salmon, just how slow are we talkin?here?

The Waiter: It?s uh, it?s already been roasted.

Joey: Ohh, then no. Maybe I should hear those specials again.

Phoebe: Oh Joey, we?ve heard the specials three times! Okay? There?s prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.)

The Waiter: Actually we?re out of the lobster ravioli. (Putting Joey?s menu under his arm.)

Joey: Oh well, that changes everything! (Grabs his menu and starts looking at it again. The waiter leaves.) Y?know what Pheebs?

Phoebe: Huh?

Joey: You were right before. I mean, friends are so important.

Phoebe: (checking her watch) Yeah, I?m very wise. I know.

Joey: Y?know-y?know what I really want?

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Is to have a long, long talk. Y?know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.

The Waiter: (returning) Any progress?

Joey: Yes! I will have the lobster ravioli.

Phoebe: God Joey, this is taking forever!

Joey: What?s the rush? What?

Phoebe: W-w?I just?it?s that?I have?y?know I have-I have an appointment. And it?s very important.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, what is it?

Phoebe: Well?It?s a date.

Joey: A date?! No, no Pheebs you-you must be mistaken, because I know you wouldn?t schedule a date on the same night you have plans with a friend!

Phoebe: Come on Joey, don?t make me feel badly about this.

Joey: No, I?m gonna!! That?s right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin?out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, you?re doing the same thing!

Phoebe: That?It?s not the same thing! This is totally different! This is with David! Remember David, the scientist guy? Okay, he?s very special to me.

Joey: Okay, well my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too!

Phoebe: She was?

Joey: Well, she graduated from high school!

Phoebe: Okay, whatever. Y?know what? I don?t have time to convince you because he?s only here for four hours, and I?m gonna go see him! (Gets up and leaves.)

Joey: Fine!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Fine!

Phoebe: Yeah! (She exits.)

Joey: (to the waiter) What are you still doin?here?! I told you, lobster ravioli!

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is running up to meet David.]

Phoebe: Hey!

David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didn?t think you were coming.

Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn?t miss this.

David: Well, I?m very glad you?re here. (Kisses her hand.)

Phoebe: Oh, you?re such a gentleman. (Grabs his arm.) Come on! We?re going to my place! (Drags him off to her place.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.]

Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!

Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)

Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!

Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers! We are living outside the law!

Chandler: Y?know what? I don?t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I?m takin?it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)

Rachel: What?! What?!

Chandler: Oh yes!

Rachel: Wait a minute!

Chandler: Oh yes!

Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don?t!

[Cut to Chandler and Monica?s as they enter.]

Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!

Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We?re gonna split it! You take half and I take half!

Chandler: Well that?s not fair, you?ve already had some!

Rachel: What? Oh, well then y?know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.

Chandler: What do we use to split it?

Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.

Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh?There?s more crust on this side. Y?know? So, maybe if I measured?

Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!

Chandler: All right, I?ll pick that one. (Points.)

Rachel: That?s also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don?t come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she?s saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!

Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!

Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.

Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don?t come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my?(Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)

[Scene: Cousin Frannie?s Wedding Reception, Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, alone, as a woman approaches.]

The Woman: Ross, sweetheart!

Ross: Oh, hey Aunt Millie.

Aunt Millie: Isn?t it a beautiful wedding?!

Ross: Yes, yes it is. It?s uh?(Aunt Millie uses this opportunity to grab Ross and kiss him on the lips. After she leaves Ross quickly wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Every time on the lips! Why?! Why on lips?!

(Cousin Frannie and her husband enter.)

Monica: Here?s Frannie. Hmm, won?t she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and greet Frannie.)

Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn?t bring you here so you can ambush her.

Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to mom.

Ross: That bitch! (He gets up and they go over to ambush Frannie. Monica taps on Frannie?s shoulder.)

Frannie: (turning around) Monica! What?

Monica: Am I doing here? Why? Surprised to see me? Ross brought me. How do you like that?!

Ross: (to Frannie) Hi Frannie, congratulations.

Monica: You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me?! Why?! What?Why wouldn?t you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done?! (Frannie?s husband walks up.) Stuart!

Frannie: I believe you know my husband.

(Monica is shocked into silence.)

Ross: So it?s really a question of who could you have possibly done.

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, David has a cab waiting to take him to the airport and he?s saying goodbye to Phoebe.]

David: Oh, I hate this but I-I-I have to go. I-I can?t miss my flight.

Phoebe: Are you sure? I?ll bet there?s another flight to Minsk in like?

David: July. Umm, (He speaks Russian.)

Phoebe: That?s really beautiful. What does it mean?

David: Please, clean my beakers. I don?t get out of the lab much.

Phoebe: That?s good. I got to admit, I thought it was something else.

David: Yeah, I?Well I really actually wanted to say umm, that, but um, I figured I probably shouldn?t because y?know, I?have to leave.

Phoebe: You?re right! You?re right. Don?t say it.

David: I-I do though.

Phoebe: I do too. (They kiss.)

David: Bye Phoebe. (He gets in and the cab drives off. Joey walks up and witnesses that event.)

Phoebe: (seeing him) Okay, now?s not the time Joey. All right? You can yell at me tomorrow.

Joey: No! No! No Pheebs, I?m not gonna yell at you. I just y?know, started thinking about you and David and I?remember how bummed you were the first time he left. And I just?Oh Pheebs, come here. (He hugs her.) Are you okay?

Phoebe: No I?m not okay. The only guy I?ve ever been crazy about has gone to Minsk and I may never?I may never see him again. (Crying.)

Joey: Hey, y?know you could always visit him.

Phoebe: Oh right, like they?re gonna let me have a passport.

Joey: Anything I can do? Whatever you need.

Phoebe: Well?But?Now, if-if you can achieve positronic distillation of sub-atomic particles y?know before he does, then he can come back. (They hug again.)

Joey: I can give it a shot.

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]

Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There?s a piece that doesn?t have floor on it!

Chandler: Stick to your side!

Rachel: Hey, come on now!

(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)

Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin? (Starts digging in.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Cousin Frannie?s Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]

Monica: Oh wait I forgot my wrap.

Ross: What? Oh, okay. Wait here. (Goes to get it, but before he gets there Aunt Millie sits down on it forcing him to pull it out from behind her which gets her attention.)

Aunt Millie: Hi sweetie! Are you leaving?

Ross: Well?

Aunt Millie: Give us a kiss. Come on! Come on!

(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)

Ross: Why?! Why on the lips?! (He wipes his mouth on Monica?s wrap and walks off, leaving Aunt Millie stunned.)

End


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The One Where They?re Up All Night

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Written by: Zack Rosenblatt
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen


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[Scene: The Building?s Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They?re looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that?s realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]

Monica: (looking up) Ross, when?s this comet thing start?

Ross: Well, technically it started seven billion years ago?(Well, technically you?d be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)

All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up and leave.)

Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I?ll stop! No teaching, okay? We?ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don?t streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who?s official name is Bapstein-King.

All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)

Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn?t Mother Nature amazing?

Chandler: (looking up with her) That?s a plane!

Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that?s pretty amazing too.

Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.

Rachel: No. No, you can?t.

Tag: What?

Rachel: Oh I don?t-I don?t know.

Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn?t it?

Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y?know what else makes you wonder?

Ross: Huh?

Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Okay, we?ve been out here for two hours and we haven?t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler?s getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)

Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I?m not!

Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica?s jacket?

Chandler: Because it?s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)

Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we?re gonna take off too. We rented a movie.

Phoebe: Oh! I won?t say, ?no?to a movie!

Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.

Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here.

Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.)

Joey: (whispering) Ross!

Ross: What?

Joey: Come here, check this out!

Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey?s standing.)

Joey: No! No-no. Look, there?s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)

Ross: Joey come?I can?t believe?I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature?s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!

Joey: (standing up) Y?know, there?s two women dude.

Ross: Show me where?

Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them through a piece of pipe.)

Ross: (noticing the pipe and looking at the door) Joey where?s the pipe that was holding the door open?

Joey: (annoyed) I don?t know! (Goes back to looking through the pipe.) (Pause) Yeah, I do.

Ross: Joey!

Joey: What?! All right?Hey! Don?t look at me! You?re the one who wanted to come up and look for some stupid Burger King comet!

Ross: It?s called the Bapstein-King comet, okay? (Joey starts to groan.) Hey! Hey! Bapstein was a very well respected astronomer!

Joey: (covering his ears and yelling) Oh no! No! No! (He starts banging on the door.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler?s bedroom, Monica is sleeping and Chandler?s sitting in bed, wide awake.]

Chandler: (whispering) Monica!

Monica: She?s sleeping.

Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?

Monica: Deep Impact was the one with Robert Duval, Armageddon is what?s going to happen to you if you wake me up.

Chandler: Sorry, I just?can?t sleep. Ooh! (Turns on the light and Monica groans.) Where is that book that you are reading with the two women who were ice-skating and wearing, wearing those hats with the flowers on it? Because every time I look at that cover I?m like?Fake snores.)

Monica: It is in the living room where there is also a light! And no one will kick you in the shin.

Chandler: What?! (Monica kicks him in the shin.) Ow! (He gets out of bed and heads into the living room.)

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is a beeping noise coming from the living room and Phoebe sleepily goes to investigate.]

Phoebe: (crossing her fingers and closing her eyes) Please don?t be a space ship. Please don?t be a space ship. (She turns on the light and looks around and finds that it?s the smoke detector that?s beeping.) Oh thank God! (She moves a chair over and starts to investigate how to make the beeping turn off, in frustration she yanks the thing off of the wall. She sets it down and heads for bed, just as she gets there it beeps again. She opens the cover and removes the battery, but it still beeps.) How could you be beeping?! I just disconnected you! I took out your battery! How can?

Smoke Detector: Beep!

Phoebe: Don?t interrupt me!!

[Scene: The Roof, Ross and Joey are banging on the door.]

Ross: Rachel!! Monica!!

Joey: Come on!

(Ross gets fed up with Joey?s banging and stops him by pulling him away from the door.)

Ross: I can?t believe this!!

Joey: All right well, y?know?I guess we know what we have to do to get down.

Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we don?t have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! We?re stuck up on the roof and we can?t get down!!!

Joey: Ross. I was thinking we could just go down the fire escape. (Points it out.)

Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasn?t finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But don?t worry! We?re gonna go down the fire escape!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's kitchen, Chandler has a jug of milk in his hands and decides to make some warm milk. He opens up the cabinet to get a pot and manages to knock several other pots onto the floor making a lot of noise.]

Chandler: Shhhhhhhhh!!! (Monica enters) I?m sorry, I thought maybe I?d make some warm milk and it would help me sleep.

Monica: With a wok? (Chandler?s holding a wok.) I thought you were going to read my boring book to put you asleep.

Chandler: It got interesting! Damn you Oprah!

Monica: Here, let me make the milk, I?m up anyway.

Chandler: Hey, y?know what we can do? Y?know, now that we are up? We can just like talk to each other all night long, y?know like we did when we were first going out. It?d be fun!

Monica: Okay that does sound like fun.

Chandler: Okay, so how bummed were you when the second sister died huh?

Monica: The second sister dies?!

Chandler: (Pause) No. No, I-I was, I was talking about the book I was reading.

Monica: The second sister dies in Archie and Jughead Double Digest?

Chandler: That?s correct.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Tag are making out on the couch.]

Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? It?s a little more comfortable.

Tag: Sure.

Rachel: Okay. (They start to head for the bedroom) Oh wait! Umm, did you send those contracts to Milan?

Tag: If this is your idea of sexy talk? (Shakes his head that it?s not working.)

Rachel: No seriously, y?know the contracts I gave you, did you overnight them?

Tag: What contracts?

Rachel: Okay please tell me that this is just one of your jokes that you do that I don?t get.

Tag: Like what?

Rachel: Y?know, like the thing when you put the phone in your pants? (He starts laughing.) Tag! I?m serious! This isn?t funny! Those contracts absolutely had to go out today!

Tag: Rach, I?m sorry, but you didn?t give me any contracts!

Rachel: Yes I did! And I put a little Post-It on it that said, "Must go out today," and underlined today three times and, and then I put a little heart in the corner because I didn?t want to seem too bossy.

Tag: I?m telling you, you never gave them to me.

Rachel: Y?know what Tag, if we went down to the office you would see those contracts sitting on your desk.

Tag: No, I would see you looking embarrassed because they are not on my desk!

Rachel: Or maybe you would see me looking embarrassed because you are talking on the phone with your crotch!

Tag: You wanna go down to the office right now?

Rachel: No! Come on its late, we?re not gonna go down to the office.

Tag: Okay I understand. (Sits down.) I wouldn?t want to be proved wrong either.

Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks her hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!

[Scene: The Fire Escape, Joey and Ross have reached the last landing. Joey is tugging on the ladder that extends to the ground, but it won?t budge.]

Joey: All right, it won?t go down any further. It?s stuck.

Ross: Ugh. Well, we?re just gonna have to jump. (Joey looks at him.) Yeah. Now, we?re gonna have to make sure to land to the right of that patch of ice, okay? Not hit the dumpster on the other side and uh, and try to avoid that-that weird brownish red stuff in the middle. So, when you get down there?you go up to the roof and you let me in.

Joey: Oh whoa-whoa wait a minute! I have to do it?!

Ross: Yeah! Oh yeah, you?ll be fine! It-it?ll be uh, just like bungy jumping. Y?know? But instead of bouncing back up you-you won?t.

Joey: What if I smack my head on the concrete?

Ross: Well, I?m not gonna lie to you Joey, it?s a possibility.

Joey: (looks at the ground and at Ross) I don?t know Ross! I-I tell you what, let?s flip to see who does it, okay? You-you call it in the air, all right?

Ross: Oh, all right. (Joey flips the coin.) Tails! (The coin bounces off of the landing above them and falls to the ground.) Can you-can you see what it is?

Joey: No.

Ross: Okay. Well, you be careful.

Joey: What? No! No Ross! No-no! Stop! I?m not jumping! Okay, look I have an audition tomorrow and I can?t go if I break my leg.

Ross: Well I?m not jumping! I have a son! Okay? He won?t have a father if-if I die!

Joey: Well all right so, it looks like we?re even!

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is still investigating the smoke detector trying to figure out how to stop the beeping.]

Phoebe: Okay. So, this wire is connected to this wire which plugs into here. (She points at each as she says it.) Okay so, to get the beeping to stop all I have to do?(She picks up a shoe and proceeds to pummel the smoke detector. She then gets up and heads to bed, stops, quickly turns around, and is satisfied that the beeping has stopped.) Well done, Pheebs. (She resumes her trek to bed, but is stopped at the entrance to the hallway by the now steady and extremely loud tone emanating from the smoke detector.) (Yelling.) What do you want from me?!!!!!!!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Monica is entering with a mug.]

Monica: Okay, here?s your milk. What do you want to talk about? (She sees that Chandler has fallen asleep and slams the door loudly to wake him up.)

Chandler: (startled) What? What? What?

Monica: Ohh! Ohhhh! Were you sleeping sweetie? I?m sorry. Here. (Hands the mug of milk to him.)

[Scene: Rachel?s Outer Office, Tag and her are arriving.]

Tag: Okay! Feel free to look, but I?m telling you those contracts are not on this desk.

Rachel: Oh how can you possibly know? Look at this mess, Tag! I mean, this is what I?m talking about! You have to be organized! You?ve got newspapers! You?ve got magazines! You got?Ohh! (Finds a picture.) And who is this chippy? A little young for you Tag, but whatever.

Tag: It?s my sister.

Rachel: Okay, very cute braces. Anyway y?know what, the point is Tag, start looking because you are going to find those contracts on your desk. (She goes into her office.)

Tag: So when do you imagine you gave them to me? In the morning or in the afternoon?

Rachel: In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner came into my office after lunch. He put them on my desk, and then I put a Post-It on it (Looks down onto her desk and finds the folder with the Post-It on it that contains the contracts she imagined she gave Tag) that said, "Must go out today." So you just keep looking in there! All right?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Rachel?s outer office, Tag has finished searching his desk and Rachel comes out to try to plant the folder on the desk.]

Tag: It?s not here.

Rachel: Puzzler. A bit of a puzzle. Why don?t you um, check the copy room, maybe you left the contracts in there?

Tag: How could I have left them in the copy room?

Rachel: I don?t know Tag! How can your genitals make phone calls? Okay? It?s not a perfect world! Just go please.

Tag: Fine.

Rachel: Thank you. (He leaves and she proceeds to plant the folder in his bottom drawer. She then picks up the phone and holds it to her breasts.) Hello? (Hangs up the phone.) I still don?t get it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler has his eyes closed, while Monica is fully awake.]

Monica: Are you still awake?

Chandler: Yeah! You?

Monica: You do know that was me who just said that right? (He doesn?t respond and she turns on the light, waking him.) Hey. As long as we?re both up?

Chandler: (intrigued) Yeah? (Monica nods yes.) I hope you?re not thinking about cleaning the living room.

[Scene: The fire escape, Joey and Ross are still trying to figure out how to get down.]

Joey: Man, I?m starving! What the hell was I thinking at dinner?! "Do you want soup or salad?" Both! Always order both!

Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Y?know, y?know I?m lookin?and I don?t think anyone?s home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and y?know explain later.

Joey: Yeah? Really? No one?s home?

Ross: I don?t think so. Hello? (Knocks on the glass, which angers the big, large, angry dog behind the glass and causes them to jump to the other side of the landing.) When you get in there?(Joey nods his disapproval.)

[Scene: Phoebe?s apartment building, in desperation she has wrapped up the smoke detector in a blanket and is going to throw it into the trash chute.]

Phoebe: Okay, this is where you and I part ways. (She drops the blanket into the chute.) Noisy bitch!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, Chandler is turning on the light to awaken a now sleeping Monica.]

Monica: What?! What are you doing?!

Chandler: Do you know what just happened?

Monica: Yeah. We-we had sex and then we fell asleep.

Chandler: No. We were in the middle of sex?and you fell asleep.

Monica: Nooo! No, that?s not true. No, best time ever! Yeah, you rocked my world! (She turns out the light to go back to sleep.)

Chandler: (turning the light back on) Monica?

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I was giving you some of my best moves, and you missed it. So please wake up so we can do it right!

Monica: Okay. Okay, I?m ready. Come on big fella!

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Give me the good stuff.

Chandler: Yeah! (Monica falls asleep) No! No! No! Don?t fall asleep! Okay, I am going to make you some coffee. (Monica doesn?t move as he gets out of bed and as he?s heading for the door.) And I probably won?t spill coffee grounds all over the kitchen floor.

Monica: Okay, I?m up! I?m up!

[Scene: Rachel?s outer office, she?s returning with two coffee cups in hand to find Tag sitting there.]

Rachel: Hi! I got you some coffee. To, uh?(She looks for a place to set it on his messy desk and he clears a spot for her to set it down.) ?fair enough. So! Do you got anything for me?

Tag: Still no luck.

Rachel: Oh my God! Did you check your entire desk! Did you check all the drawers!

Tag: Do you want me to check again?

Rachel: Well yeah, I wish that you would. (He opens the top drawer.) Well, no it?s not in there! (Closes it.) How about that drawer? (She points to the bottom one and he opens it. She doesn?t see the folder she planted and bends over to check.)

Tag: Well, it?s not out here. Is there any chance it could be in your office?

Rachel: (thinks) Y?know, I don?t-I don?t know. Let me, let me check. (As she heads for her office, she stops glances over her shoulder at Tag, looks into her office, and finds the folder on her desk.)

Tag: (smirking) Any luck?

Rachel: Can I see you in my office for a minute?

Tag: (entering) Yeah? (She holds up the folder) You found them!! (Rachel is not amused, because she?s still going to try to blame him for her mistake like every ?good?boss.) Y?know what? I?m not even going to gloat. I?m just really relieved this whole thing is over.

Rachel: You put these on my desk!

Tag: I did not!

Rachel: Oh really? So you?re saying they just slid out of your bottom drawer, crawled across the floor, then jumped on to my desk?! (I think Dogbert should have a line here.)

Tag: How did you know they were in my bottom drawer?

Rachel: (pause as she realizes her lame attempt to shift the blame has failed) I am so hot for you right now.

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, there is someone pounding on the door and Phoebe sleepily walks over and answers it. As she nears the door, the pounding stops and she can hear the smoke detector?s wail.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! How did you get back here?!

A Disembodied Voice: (yelling through the door) Phoebe Buffay?!

Phoebe: (scared) Fire alarm? (She opens the door to reveal a fireman holding the blanket with the smoke detector.) Oh! Hi, officer?fireman, can-can I help you?

The Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.

Phoebe: That?s not mine.

The Fireman: Yes it is.

Phoebe: How do you know?

The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, don?t wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica."

Phoebe: Okay do you?Okay, do you have a search warrant? Because the last time I checked this was still America!

The Fireman: Please reattach this, it?s against the law to disconnect them.

Phoebe: Fine! (She takes the blanket.) But please God; tell me how to stop them from going off!

The Fireman: There?s a reset button under the plastic cover.

Phoebe: There?s a reset button?! Ugh, thank you! Thank you! (He exits and she goes to shut it off.) There?s a reset button! My God! Why didn?t I see that! (She takes off the plastic cover and looks for the button.) Reset button, reset button, where is there a reset button? (Finds it.) Oh here it is! (Picks it up off of the floor.) Oh! (She presses it hard, but of course it would help if the button was still attached to the detector. In frustration she presses it so hard it causes pain in her thumb.) Ohh, God!

[Scene: The fire escape, Joey is now hanging off of the bottom rung of the ladder that won?t move and Ross is watching from above.]

Ross: Okay, do-do you have a good grip?

Joey: Yeah!

Ross: Okay, I?m going to start climb down you now.

Joey: All right! Just hurry up!

Ross: Okay. Now-now-now should I climb down your front so we?re face to face or-or should I climb down your back so we?re-we?re butt to face.

Joey: I think face to face.

Ross: I would say that.

Joey: Face to face, yeah!

Ross: Okay, here I go.

Joey: All right.

(Ross steps onto the bottom rung of the ladder and then steps on Joey?s chest.)

Joey: (grunting) Oh my?How much do you weigh Ross?!

Ross: I prefer not to answer that right now, I?m still carrying a little holiday weight.

(Ross continues to climb down. He puts his other foot further down on Joey?s torso, but that doesn?t work very well and he?s forced to wrap his legs around Joey. Which then forces Joey to get a nice and close view of Ross?s crotch.)

Joey: Y?know, when we talked about face to face, I don?t think we thought it all the way through.

Ross: So what do you want me to do?

Joey: Well, just shimmy down me and drop!

(Ross continues his trek south, and when they get face to face.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hi.

Ross: (looking down) M-maybe I should hang and you can climb down me.

Joey: (angrily) Yeah? Maybe we should talk about that for a little while!

Ross: It?s still looks pretty far!

Joey: It?s not that far! Just drop!

Ross: Do not rush me!!

(Ross continues south and his now wrapped around Joey?s legs.)

Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin?to come down and I?m not wearing any underwear!

(Ross panics and falls off, dropping to the ground with a huge crash.)

Ross: Oww!! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it when I?Ooh, a quarter!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's bedroom, they?re cuddling.]

Monica: That really was some of your best work.

Chandler: Hm-hmm, I told you! (Looks at the clock) I can?t believe that I?ve only got two hours before I call in sick for work.

Monica: I have to be up in seven minutes.

Chandler: Well, you?re not gonna believe this, but if you have seven minutes?

Monica: Really?!

Chandler: Do you wanna?

Monica: Okay! You get the vacuum cleaner and I?ll get the furniture polish!

(She runs off leaving a stunned Chandler behind.)

End


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