—Can I help you, sir?
—We want a meal.
—What sort of meal? A hot one or a cold one?
—A salad, I think.
—Which one, sir? A ham or a beef salad?
—What's this sort of salad in English?
—Which one are you looking at, sir?
—That one over there, next to the bread rolls.
—That's a beef salad, sir.
—Thank you. Is there any rye bread?
—No, I'm sorry. There are plenty of rolls.


—Excuse me, sir, where do you come from?
—We come from Copenhagen.
—You speak English very well.
—Thank you.
—What are you doing at the moment?
—We're visiting London.
—What do you both do?
—We are teachers.


—Do you like your salad?
—Yes. It's nice and fresh. Is yours good, too?
—No. Mine is rather tasteless.
—You need some salt and some olive oil.


—Allow me to fetch you a chair.
—Thank you, but I've just asked the waiter to get me one.
—Let me get you a drink, then.
—Thank you again, but look, John's bringing me one now.
—I don't seem to be very useful, do I?
—Don't say that. There's always another time, you know.


Man: Three gin and tonics please.
Waitress: I'm sorry, sir, but we're not allowed to serve drinks before twelve o'clock midday. Would you like me to bring you something else? Some coffee?


Man: Waiter, this table-cloth is a disgrace. It's covered with soup stains.
Waiter: Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. It should have been changed before. If you'll just wait one moment ...


Man: Waiter. I can't quite understand how you manage to get ten marks plus twelve marks plus sixty-five marks fifty pennies to add up to one hundred and seventy-seven marks fifty pennies.
Waiter: One moment, I'll just check it, sir. You're quite right, sir. I can't understand how such a mistake could have been made. I do apologize, sir.


Interviewer: Now let's go back to your first novel, Rag Doll. When did you write that?
Writer: Rag Doll, yes. I wrote that in 1960, a year after I left school.
Interviewer: How old were you then?
Writer: Um, eighteen? Yes, eighteen, because a year later I went to Indonesia.
Interviewer: Mm. And of course it was your experience in Indonesia that inspired your film Eastern Moon.
Writer: Yes, that's right, although I didn't actually make Eastern Moon until 1978.
Interviewer: And you worked in television for a time too.
Writer: Yes, I started making documentaries for television in 1973, when I was thirty. That was after I gave up farming.
Interviewer: Farming?
Writer: Yes, that's right. You see, I stayed in Indonesia for eight years. I met my wife there in 1965, and after we came back we bought a farm in the West of England, in 1970. A kind of experiment, really.
Interviewer: But you gave it up three years later.
Writer: Well, yes. You see it was very hard work, and I was also very busy working on my second novel, The Cold Earth, which came out in 1975.
Interviewer: Yes, that was a best-seller, wasn't it?
Writer: Yes, it was, and that's why only two years after that I was able to give up television work and concentrate on films and that sort of thing. And after that ...


Shop Assistant: Harling's Hardware.
Customer: Hello. I'd like to buy a new fridge. I can't afford a very expensive one, and it mustn't be more than 140 cm high.
Shop Assistant: Right. I think I have one here. Wait a moment. Yes, here we are. It's 50 cm wide and 130 cm high.
Customer: Oh. And how much is it?
Shop Assistant: It's one hundred and twenty-nine pounds, very cheap.
Customer: I'll come over and have a look at it.


A: Good morning. Can I help you?
B: Yes. I'd like to find my perfect partner.
A: I see. Well, if you could just answer a few questions?
B: Certainly.
A: First of all, what age would you like your partner to be?
B: About twenty. Not more than twenty-five, anyway.
A: Okay. And what sort of build?
B: What do you mean?
A: Well, would you like someone who is very slim or would you prefer someone rather more plump?
B: Ah, I see what you mean. I don't think I mind, actually.
A: And what about height?
B: Oh, not too tall.
A: So, medium-height?
B: Yes, and long hair.
A: Any particular color?
B: No. As long as it's long, it doesn't matter what color.
A: Good. Now, is there anything else at all?
B: Well, obviously I'd like someone good-looking.
A: Well, we'll see what we can do. Would you like to fill in this form in the next room and I'll call you soon.
(enters C)
C: Hello. Is this the Perfect Partners office?
A: That's right.
C: I'm interested in meeting someone new.
A: Well, you've certainly come to the right p1ace. What sort of person are you looking for?
C: Oh, someone tall, dark and handsome.
A: I see. And what sort of age?
C: Oh, mid-twenties, I suppose.
A: Well, I might have just the person for you. Could I just ask how old you are?
C: Twenty-four.
A: Good. Could you just wait here a minute?
(C puzzled)
(A goes and fetches B)
A: This doesn't usually happen, but I think I've found just the person for you.
B: Oh, no!
C: Not you!
B: What are you doing here?
C: I think I should be asking you that.
B: Well, I just wanted to ... (interrupted by A)
A: Excuse me, but what's going on?
C: That's my husband.
B: And that's my wife.
A: But you're just right for each other, from what you told me.
(Pause)
B: Yes ... I see what you mean.
C: I suppose it's true. You are what I'm looking for.
B: Oh, darling. Why did we ever leave each other?
C: I don't know, but it's not too late, is it?
B: No. (they embrace)
A: Excuse me.
B & C: (surprised) Sorry?
A: That'll be twenty-five pounds please!


47 Riverside Road, London SE1 4LP.
10th May, 1989

Dear Chris,
Thanks for your letter. I'm sorry I haven't answered it sooner but writing is difficult at the moment. I fell off my bike last week and broke my arm. It isn't anything very serious and I'll be OK in a few weeks.
Your holiday sounds fantastic. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Someone at work went to Jamaica last year and had a wonderful time. When are you going exactly? I hope you'll have good weather.
There isn't really much more news from here. I'll write a longer letter in a few weeks. Send me a postcard and give my regards to everyone.

Yours
Kim