401 The Agony and the 'Ex'-tasy

If you're single... there's one thing you should always have... when you go out on a Saturday night.
Your friends.
Why are we walking so fast?
Are we in that big a hurry to get to an engagement party?
What, don't you guys want to go?
I did, until I saw this invitation.
Let me see that again.
''Two souls, one thought.'' That is sappy.
That is totally not like Danny.
Must've been her idea.
Two souls, one pushy fianc?.
Come on, it's beautiful.
it?s a big, romantic gesture to express how they feel about each other.
lf two people have only one thought between them...something is very wrong. Cab.
I remember when Danny had more than one thought... and they all involved going up my ass.
You had sex with Danny?
He's cute, straight, and we've know him for 10 years.
Haven't we all had sex with Danny?
Yeah, that one weekend that I was bored.
Just a New Year's Eve kiss.
I showed him a boob in a coat check room.
Just one?
I sensed he couldn't commit.
We're over here.
Baby lamb chops. This is quite a spread.
Two souls, one big budget.
There he was, the fianc du jour.
Hey, look who's here!
Congratulations!
Thanks.
And this is my other half, Hailey.
Congratulations.
Hailey, this is Carrie and Charlotte.
Miranda.
Oh, Miranda.
Right. Sorry.
I'm just a little overwhelmed.
Danny!
Couldn't remember my name?
Maybe you should've showed him both boobs.
And across the room from the two soul couple...I told the other numb nuts I wanted a Grey Goose an hour ago.
Chop, chop....a man with no soul. So, Phil, what is it that you do?
I'm a TV agent, and I fucking love it.
What a beautiful wedding ring.
Where's your husband?
He's not here.
We're actually taking some time apart.
We're separated.
Not legally separated, nothing legal. God, no.
We're just taking some time to figure things out.
We got married really fast.
Love at first sight.
Didn't think it through.
So now we're talking and trying to figure out what he...actually we, he and I, really want.
We love each other so much...but that doesn't always mean a marriage is working, oes it?
It does not.
We had some problems in the bedroom.
But it was more about the fact that we got married so fast.
So now we're just talking and trying to figure things out.
Just talking, nothing physical.
I think it's better if we just talk.
So we are talking till we figure it all out.
So no, he's not here.
Okay. I have to....Don't talk to her.
Charlotte realized that she and Trey were two souls... with too many thoughts.
The minute we met it was perfect.
I knew we were meant to be together.
I could stop looking, I had found him.
Congratulations!
And what about you guys?
I'm not dating anyone.
What about you, Miranda?
Seeing anyone special?
Actually, no.
But I am seeing a whole bunch of un-special guys.
That's one of the requirements to date me.
''Are you special? Sorry, move along.
''But if you have any un-special friends, could you give them my number?''
I'm serious. Do any of you have a totally un-remarkable friend...or maybe a house plant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night?
She's hilarious.
Hey, what the hell was going on in there?
Felt like your comedy routine should have a two drink minimum.
We were standing in a group of married or engaged women.
Just trying to avoid the pity party.
And I thought it was a cocktail party.
We were the only single people in there.
Miranda, we're the only single people any-where.
Are you telling me you didn't see all those...
''Don't worry, you'll find someone'' looks?
Nope, didn't see them.
Hey.
Society views single people our age as sad and pathetic.
I don't need that judgment hanging over me.
I go on the offensive and make them laugh.
Okay, Shecky.
You know what?
Sometimes I think people in couples wish they had our lives.
Nope.
We make them uncomfortable, and they don't know what to say.
And you're sure you're not overreacting?
Yeah.
Coming.
God. Yes.
What are we doing?
Goodnight.
Charlotte.
I thought it was the horsemen of the apocalypse.
I cannot go to any more parties until I know what we're going to do.
About what?
Us!
I've been awake, wondering if we should stay together in spite of issues.
I don't want to confuse you, so I made some notes.
You made some notes?
It helps me to be clear.
One, sex life.
The sex we had on the floor of your apartment...was quite good, actually.
One time.
That does not a marriage make.
Come inside.
Maybe we can rack up a new score.
Two, you only want me when you can't have me.
Did you make a note that mentions...how beautiful you look tonight?
We have some big decisions to make.
Trey....You have a boner.
You are just so beautiful.
I can't discuss my notes if you have a boner.
Come inside.
I cannot come inside, we are separated.
I have more notes.
I think about you every night.
May I take off your panties?
Don't.
All right.
You said you didn't want to be married.
But now I don't know if I want to be married.
Trey, are you....That night, neither Charlotte nor Trey came inside.
I'm not quite sure what to say.
I'm sorry, Charlotte, may I get you a hankie?
It's too late for a hankie.
This isn't working.
Whatever this is we're doing, it isn't working.
Just please stop calling me.
I'll call you when I've figured out what I want.
Charlotte, I love you.
Send me the dry cleaning bill.
Trey may have had a lot of flaws, but bad manners wasn't one of them.
It was a lovely, uneventful Saturday morning.
Three lattes, two newspapers, and... one dating service application.
''Dear single.... ''
Single? You don't even have a name?
I'm single, I don't deserve one.
That's the postal equivalent of a drive by shooting.
I thought those 57 menus I get every day from Hunan Moonan were annoying.
Look at this.
''Don't let your soul mate slip away.''
It's almost a threat. It's like, ''We have him. He's just waiting for you.
''But hurry, 'cause he's slipping away.
There he goes.''
Soul mates only exist in the Hallmark aisle in Duane Reade drugs.
I disagree.
I believe there's that one perfect person out there to complete you.
And if you don't find him?
What, you're incomplete? It's so dangerous.
All right, first of all, the idea that there's only one out there...why don't I just shoot myself right now?
I'd like to think people have more than one soul mate.
I agree, I've had hundreds.
And if you miss one, along comes another, like cabs.
That is not how it works.
Okay.
But you're still looking outside yourself.
It's saying that you're not enough.
Are you enough?
Actually, today she's too much.
The bad thing about the one perfect soul mate...is that it's so unattainable.
You're being set up to fail.
Exactly, and you feel bad about yourself.
It makes the gap between the Holy Grail and the assholes even bigger.
I don't care. I believe in soul mates.
I thought Trey was mine.
But I don't think that a soul mate would...on your leg.
Really true.
There's got to be that someone out there who's just perfect for me.
Maybe I should keep looking.
Here you go.
Okay, we're filling this out.
I'm not in the mood.
Not for you, for her.
Okay!
No.
Yes.
''Age. Check box.
''20 to 25, 25 to 30, 30 to 34.''
Not after next week.
Birthday girl.
''35 to 44.''
Honey, welcome to my box.
Soul mate.
Two little words, one big concept.
A belief that someone, somewhere...is holding the key to your heart, and your dream house.
All you have to do is find them.
So where is this person?
And if you loved someone and it didn't work out...does that mean they weren't your soul mate?
Were they just a runner-up contestant in this game show...
called ''Happily Ever After''?
And as you move from age box to age box...and the contestants get fewer and fewer...are your chances of finding your soul mate less and less?
Soul mates, reality or torture device?
What about a little birthday dinner?
ll Cantinori, something nice.
I'm not sure I want to do anything.
I'm kind of into laying low.
Laying low or feeling low?
No, I'm fine.
Come on, you've got to do better than that.
You've got to grab 35 by the balls and say, ''World, I'm 35!''
Okay, calm down, Auntie Mame.
I'll put the dinner together.
All you have to do is show up.
Just close friends, very fabulouslite.
All right.
That sounds fun, thank you.
Should I invite Big?
What, are you slowly trying to kill me on the way to lunch?
Technically you are friends now, right?
You know, a phone call here and there.
It's friendly.
Do you think I should I invite him?
How should I know?
When I'm done with them, I'm done with them.
Maybe not. And I think he's still in London.
Let's just keep it to low maintenance friends.
All right.
Welcome. Come in.
He is hot.
He is a priest.
He is a hot priest.
Look at his robe.
It's so ''Robin and his merry men.''
Est bien, gracias.
You tell them, Friar Fuck.
Okay, sister, let's go.
I'm not gonna lose my table at Pastis...so you can cruise a holy man.
What street are we on, again?
That Sunday, Samantha went to church.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I noticed all the good work you're doing in the neighborhood.. and I just stopped to see
if I could be of service.
We could use another hand in the kitchen.
I'm in public relations.
And I was thinking maybe I could help put a benefit together.
Something classy, respectful.
I can guarantee Donald Trump and Marlo Thomas.
Thank you, but here at all Souls, we're a little more lowkey than that.
We're more about collecting food, canned goods to feed to the needy.
So...
I love your robe.
This is what we wear.
I'm in the Franciscan order founded by St. Francis.
The robe is....Do you really want to hear about this?
Tell me more about this St. Francis.
He lived his life based on the vows of poverty and chastity.
Here.
It's St. Francis giving his coat to the poor.
Samantha Jones, public relations.
lf you change your mind about the benefit...or anything.
And just like that, Samantha went from Mr. No Soul... to Mr. all Souls.
After church, most people go out for pan-cakes.
Samantha wasn't most people.
Samantha, your face is glowing.
Did you get a facial or something?
I masturbated all afternoon.
All right, then.
Seriously? All afternoon?
Two, two and a half hours.
Who's got that kind of time?
I like to get in and get out.
I enjoy a quickie every now and then... but when it's good like today, I go with it.
I masturbated to my priest.
Your priest?
Friar Fuck.
I think we might have to get her a crash helmet.
You have a priest?
No.
She wants him, but she can't have him.
It's all very Thorn Birds.
Inmy fantasy...he tears the food I'm carrying for the homeless...out of my arms, rips open my dress... lays me down in the street and enters me.
What do you do for the next 2 hours and 20 minutes?
Stop, you are talking about a priest.
It's a fantasy.
I can masturbate to whomever I like.
It's imagination.
It's fun and perfectly healthy.
Who do you all fantasize about?
Russell Crowe.
Jinx! You owe me a coke.
That's amazing.
What did women do before Russell Crowe?
George Clooney.
Clooney's like a Chanel suit.
He'll always be in style.
I used to masturbate to a busboy who was rude to me once.
What do you think that means?
Fine, the cheese stands alone.
Come on, Charlotte.
Get that judgmental puss off, and join in.
Who do you fantasize about?
No, it's private.
Come on, it can't be any worse than a priest
and a busboy.
We're not moving on till you tell us about one of your masturbation guys.
It's not guys.
Lately, it's just one man.
L.L. Bean?
No.
Trey.
And we have this really, you know, perfect sex.
What do you think it means?
This is 4591905.
I'm not in, so please leave a message.
I think you're still in England...but it's mid-night here in New York, and it's my birth-day.
I am officially old.
So I felt the need to call someone...older.
Anyway, some friends are giving me a din-ner tomorrow night.
Actually it's tonight, and you're a friend.
So if you are back in town...it's going to be at ll Cantinori, at 8:30 p.m.
And if you're...still in London...then cheerio, old chap.
So, okay.
The next day, on Wall Street.... Miranda?
Sheila, hi! How are you?
I'm fantastic! Gosh!
Joe and I just got back from New Orleans.
So how are you?
Are you seeing anyone special?
But Miranda wasn't feeling very Shecky.
Actually, I'm not.
Look, he's out there for you somewhere.
You just haven't met him yet, right?
Maybe, maybe not.
I don't know if I believe all that.
Maybe there isn't someone for everyone.
There it was. The truth.
No Hallmark hope, no twodrink minimum.
So how is Joe?
You've been married for how many years?
Five.
Wow.
I bet you're thinking, ''Where are the kids?'' Right?
It's like I said to Joe. We can have kids...or we can have gorgeous fabric without chocolate stains.
Miranda realized it's not just about being sin-gle.
Everyone has a sore spot that needs a little comedy routine....let alone a poopy diaper.
And so Miranda laughed.
Not because it was particularly funny...but because it was kind.
They told me you were inside.
Am I disturbing you?
May I join you?
I was thinking about you yesterday.
You and the work that you do.
I was at the market.
They're Le Sueur peas.
They're the best.
That's very kind.
Thank you.
I have a confession to make.
I think about you other places than the mar-ket.
Do you ever think about me?
I believe that God made the body.
And it's perfect in its splendor.
But I'm not of my body.
My life is about other joys.
Samantha wondered if maybe the hot monk
was her souI mate...as he was certainly unattainable.
I arrived at my party after a day of shopping.
With no true souI mate...I spent the after-noon with my shoe souI mate...Manolo Blah-nik.
Good evening, can I help you?
Yes, Bradshaw, party of 10.
You're the first to arrive. Follow me, please.
It's 8:45 p.m.
The reservation was for 8:30 p.m., right?
That's right. Here you go.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Would you like a drink whilst waiting?
I'll have a Shirley Temple, please.
Once everyone else gets here,
we'll be drinking a lot of champagne.
Good, great, excellent.
Twenty minutes later, still no party.
Hi. Still alone.
Did anyone call asking for Bradshaw?
Not that I'm aware of.
Let me check with the maitre d'.
Okay, thanks.
Can I bring you some champagne now?
Not yet.
Good, great, excellent.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Marta Happy birthday to you Fuck, I'm old!
Hi.
Sorry for holding the table.
I can't imagine where everybody is.
There is only one ll Cantinori, right?
Yes.
Okay.
The woman with the birthday cake is here...and she needs to be paid.
Okay.
I'll just get my purse.
After I paid $70 for my own birthday cake...I was totally out of the party mood.
So I decided to go home and kill myself.
Lady, what are you doing?
Get off of there!
Look where you're standing!
It's wet, get the hell off there!
No, the other way!
The other way, for Chrissakes!
For crying out loud.
Jesus Christ! Don't pick up the cake!
She's picking it up!
I'm sorry!
Marilyn Monroe, do me a fucking favor, get off the road!
I'm sorry!
Sorry! We'll bring some beer over, and we'll have
I'm sorry! God!
By the time I got home...I had fallen into an emotional hole so deep... only a fireman without a collarbone could rescue me.
You have 14 messages.
Honey, I'm trapped at work, I'll be 10 min-utes late.
The reservation line is busy, I'll see you soon.
Carrie, I'm in traffic.
They're paving Fifth Avenue.
No one can get through, don't wait for me.
Happy birthday.
I'm stuck in fucking traffic.
I don't know how to spell II Cantinori for the idiot at 411.
Get a cell phone!
Carrie, it's Stanford. I'm at the wrong place.
Did you know there's a Mexican restauran-ton University and 1 1th called EI Cantinoro?
Carrie.
Okay, I'm here. They said you just left.
Where are you? We're still here.
Okay, so now we're coming uptown.
Meet you at the coffee shop in 20 minutes.
End of messages.
Carrie?
It's just me!
It's just me, Charlotte!
I just aged 35 more years.
What are you doing here?
I'm sorry, I came to take youto the coffee shop.
No. I'm going to bed.
I'm not in the moodto be with a bunch of people.
Come on, it's just the four of us.
You have to come, it's your birthday.
I'm aware of that.
The longer I sat there, the more alone I felt.
And it really hit me. I am 35 and alone.
You are not alone.
I know I have you guys, but....And really, I hate myself a little for saying this, but...it felt really sad... not to have a man in my lifewho cares about me.
No special guy to wish me happy birthday.
No goddamn soul mate.
And I don't even know if I believe in soul mates.
Don't laugh at me, but...maybe we could be each other's soul mates.
And then we could let men be...just these great, nice guys to have fun with.
That sounds like a plan.
I'm 35. 35 is not 25.
Thank God.
I'm 35.
Shut the fuck up, I'm 1 40.
Happy birthday, baby.
Get in.
It's after 1 2:00, you're late.
Not really, I'm on London time.
London is five hours ahead.
Inthat case, I'm really fucking late.
I can't believe you actually got out of the car and got balloons.
I didn't, Raoul did.
Good man.
So...
how old are you?
How old are you?
Nope.
You don't have to give me an exact number.
Pick a box.
30 to 35, 35 to 40... 40 to 45?
Really?
40 to 45.
I don't know what you're referring to.
I had something in my eye.
How do you feel about soul mates?
Well...I like the word ''soul.''
I like the word ''mate.''
Other than that, you got me.
Did you have a nice day?
I had a fabulous day.
Good for you.
As Big's car drove away, I realized...having three souI mates already nailed down...made it a lot easier...to spot those great,nice guys to have fun with.