716 Vicious Cycles

Mike: Ha! That's what they make you wear at Captain Sub?
Luke: No, I just like to dress like Popeye.
Mike: Look, when you get a new job, you do have to deal with difficult people.
Luke: You mean like the customers?
Mike: No, like your family.
Maggie: Ahoy, matey!
Jason: Permission a board!
Maggie: Let me take one more to send to Carol in London…
Mike: That's a great idea, Mom, then we can put a different address on it, and make her think we moved.
Ben: Thanks a lot, Captain Crunch. Dad woke me up this morning with the want ads. What do you need a job for anyway?
Maggie: Oh, I bet I know. He's saving for college.
Luke: But first, a custom Harley.
Jason: You're saving up to buy a Hog?
Chrissy: He gets a Hog? You won't even let me get a kitten.
Ben: Hey, Luke. What's in the bag?
Luke: It's just my official Captain Sub hat.
Maggie: Well put in on. I want to take a picture of the entire uniform.
Ben: No, really.
Maggie: Come on, they say the uniform makes the man.
Ben: In this case the uniform makes the sandwich.
Luke: Well, I'd better get going. My boss is driving me to work.
Jason: Your boss drives you to work? I'd like to get a job like that.
Luke: Well, they're looking for a counter person if you're available.
Jason: Ben, you hear that? Ben! Ben!
Jason: Hey, I got a tip for you Luke. You take advantage of this car-pooling opportunity to get to know your boss. He probably could teach you a thing or two.
[Motorcycle engine sounds]
Jason: Stay back! Stay back! Hold it here everybody. I can handle this.
Luke: No, no, no, Dr. Seaver. This is Kevin, my boss.
Kevin: Hey, Luke! Ready to rock'n roll?
Mike: So how was your first week at work?
Luke: Well, you're now looking at the new…assistant manager.
Mike: Another dumb hat, huh?
Luke: You should see the hat the restroom supervisor has to wear.
Maggie: Hey, Luke. Glad we caught you. We've noticed you've been keeping late hours.
Luke: Well, I work 'til 9:30.
Jason: Yeah, but you've been getting home after 11:00.
Luke: Well, well, Kevin thinks it's a good idea to unwind after work.
Jason: Ooooh, you listen to a guy who's only working at Captain Sub until he can get his criminal career off the ground?
Maggie: Well, you could ask Kevin to drop you off at home, and then he can go unwind wherever he wants.
Luke: I could…but, I don't want to.
Maggie: Well, then, Luke. We maybe should talk about you having a curfew.
Mike: Big mistake.
Jason: Luke, will you excuse us for a minute?
Luke: Stick up for me, and I'll slip you a hoagie.
Jason: I wish you wouldn't contradict us in front of Luke.
Mike: Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It's just that you were really cruising for trouble with that whole curfew thing.
Jason: Oh, we are?
Mike: Yeah, Dad, Luke is a different breed of horse. I mean…let's face it. You're used to Carol, who pulls the plough, and Chrissy, who's still a pony, and Ben…well, he's pretty much a horse's patoot.
Mike: But Luke is like me; he's a wild mustang.
Maggie: Well, thank you Gabbie.
Mike: Look…my point is, is that you try to put a fence around Luke, he's just going to kick it over.
Maggie: Mike, where are you going with all this horse….
Jason: Maggie…
Maggie: …analogy.
Mike: Don't give him a curfew, and he'll mosey on back to the barn as soon as he's sleepy.
Maggie: Need I remind you that we have successfully raised four children, and you had a curfew?
Mike: No, you had a curfew. I had an open window and a trellis.
Jason: Mike, we've got to run this house by our rules. Luke is a foster child here, and I see no reason why he shouldn't have a curfew.
Mike: Okay, all right, fine. You can run it up the flagpole, but I don't think he'll sit on it.
Jason: Luke!
Maggie: Okay, Luke, we want you in the house 10:00 on weekdays and 11:00 on weekends.
Luke: Okay.
Jason: Well, what do you know; the wacky old parents pulled it off.
Mike: Yeah, and Mr. Ed really talks.
Ben: Now, Chrissy…name the shape.
Chrissy: Square!
Ben: No, take your time, think rounder.
Chrissy: Square!
Ben: Think like, think like….a pie…or the moon.
Chrissy: Moon pie?
Chrissy: Sorry. I'm not doing so good, am I?
Ben: No, that's okay. You got two out of the last, uh, 25.
Maggie: What's up? You guys playing some kind of game?
Chrissy: Ben's testing to see if I have PMS.
Maggie: What?
Ben: Uh, ESP, mom. I'm doing an extra-credit report for Mr. Airhead's science class.
Maggie: Mr. Airheart, the teacher who's been giving you such a hard time all year?
Ben: Yeah. And if I don't get my average up to a B, he's not going to let me go on the class field trip to the Hayden Planetarium.
Maggie: Oh, well, Ben, your father and I'd be happy to take you to the planetarium.
Ben: Yes, but can you arrange for Sasha Sorotski to be sitting next to me in the dark… wearing a fuzzy sweater.
Maggie: Gotcha!
[Two Nights Later]
Mike: Ben said you guys wanted to talk to me?
Maggie: It's about Luke.
Jason: We're ready to admit we, uh…..
Mike: …were wrong?
Jason: No.
Mike: Were very, very wrong?
Maggie: No, we're ready to admit that we need your help.
Mike: Well, I think you made the right decision. You want to catch a mustang, you gotta use a mustang. So let me get this straight…what is it that you want me to tell him?
Jason: He's grounded!
Mike: No stinking way!
Jason: If a kid can't learn to live by a family's rules, he'll never learn to live by society's, Mike. Now you owe it to Luke to teach him some discipline.
Mike: I hate it when you guys make sense. Okay, okay, I'll talk to him. But if he's got a darn good reason for being late, I'm not giving him any punishment.
[Motorcycle engine sounds]
Mike: Luke's home.
Luke: Uh, hello.
Mike: Hey, Luke. It's 11:15. You know what that means?
Luke: I'm missing Arsenio!
Jason: Hey! You were supposed to be home by 10:00.
Mike: But I'm sure that he's got a darn good reason for being late. So, go ahead and give it to him.
Luke: Uh, I was at the arcade. We found a video machine with ten free games.
Mike: Well, okay, okay. You give me no choice. You're….
Maggie: …grounded.
Mike: What she said.
Luke: What? But, well can it start Monday? There's a major party Friday night.
Mike: Okay, sure.
Maggie: Mike! You can't let him trade punishments. This isn't "Let's Make a Deal."
Mike: Although he's dressed for it.
Maggie: The grounding includes missing the party.
Luke: I don't know why you're treating me like a kid. I gotta be in bed by 11:00. I went three years with no bed. I've spent the night in Central Park. I've survived gangs, murderers, and Pia Zadora's outdoor concert.
Jason: Sorry, Luke, but this is for your own good.
Luke: Oh, man! This sucks nickels!
Mike: Good night.
Luke: Well, thanks a lot, Mike.
Mike: Hey, hey, hey. Don't look at me. You're the one who messed up, pal. Don't ever break curfew again…without at least coming up with an airtight alibi.
[7:02:43 pm Friday]
Ben: …My bummed
Luke: Tell me about that.
Ben: What you bummed about?
Luke: There's a party out there, and I'm in here!
Ben: You're squawking about being grounded for a week? I was grounded for 1989.
Luke: So what are you bummed about?
Ben: Old Man Airhead threw my report out. He says ESP's a crock, not a science. Thanks to him, someone else is gonna be picking sweater pills off of Sasha Sorotski.
Luke: That Airhead's a jerk. Somebody ought to fix him good.
Ben: I know; I'm gonna prove that ESP is real and that Chrissy has it. Next to her, the Amazing Creskin's gonna look only mildly interesting.
Jason: Come on, Maggie, or we'll miss the opening curtain.
Maggie: Jason, I have never seen you this excited about dinner theater.
Jason: Well, how many times do you get to see Marla Maples and Jessica Hahn in "The Odd Couple?"
Maggie: None, if you're lucky. Okay, we'll be at the Hayloft Dinner Theater.
Jason: See you, Luke.
Maggie: Good night, Luke.
Luke: Mike, you're back. You've gotta talk to your parents.
Mike: Why?
Luke: You've gotta talk them into letting me go to that party.
Mike: Luke, they made up their mind. What can I do?
Luke: Wait a minute. Aren't you the same Mike Seaver who convinced his parents that report cards were discontinued as a tree-saving measure?
Mike: I guess when you've got the talent, it is a crime not to use it.
Luke: They're in the kitchen.
Mike: Okay. All right. Silver-tongue is on the case.
Mike: Mom! Dad! Just the people I was looking for!
Jason: Oooh! Every time he uses that tone of voice, the little hairs on the back of my neck stiffen.
Maggie: What are you trying to charm us out of now, Mike?
Mike: Oh, no, no, no. This isn't for me. Uh, this is about Luke. You see, I think that he's really learned his lesson, and I think his grounding should end, oh, about now.
Jason: Hmm-hmm!
Maggie: Mike, we have to take a stand.
Jason: If we back down now, we're giving him permission to walk all over us.
Mike: Well, I can live with that.
Maggie: Well, we can't. Mike, when you got into the middle of this, you took on part of the responsibility for Luke.
Jason: Hey, you're the one who speaks mustang. Just tell him he's still confined to the paddock. Happy trails.
Maggie: Stick to your guns.
Mike: I hope I shoot myself in the foot.
Luke: Mike, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you springing me for this party. You're the best, the greatest, the king.
Mike: You can't go.
Luke: You're slime. Did you even ask, or are you on their side now?
Mike: Oh, come on, Luke. Don't be this way. Luke! Luke-ee! Luke-ster! Luke-inator! All right, all right, all right, you're tearing me apart. You can go.
Luke: Really?
Mike: Yes, fine. But you have to be home by your curfew. That's 11:00. Not a minute later.
Luke: Thank you, thank you. I didn't know if you'd come through or not. Yeah!
[Motorcycle engine sounds]
Luke: Well, you took a shot.
Mike: Remember, Luke, 11:00.
Maggie: I forgot the tickets. Your father thinks my subconscious doesn't want to go to the theater. He's wrong; my subconscious wants to blow up the theater.
Mike: That's funny, mom. You'd better hurry!
Maggie: Mike, you trying to get rid of me?
Mike: No, no, no, that's ridiculous. Shake a leg!
[Motorcycle engine sounds]
Maggie: What's that?
Mike: What's what?
Luke: Let's roll!
Maggie: How could you let him go?
Mike: I couldn't stand to see him mad at me.
Jason: Oh, come on. Kids don't like discipline. Remember when you planted Ben to see if he'd grow? We punished you; you got angry with us.
Mike: No, I didn't.
Maggie: Oh, yes you did. You lined your father's shorts with Ben-Gay.
Mike: Oh, right. I forgot.
Jason: I never will.
Maggie: Neither will I.
Mike: What are you guys so worried about? He promised me he'd be home by 11:00.
Maggie: Well, he wasn't supposed to go out at all until you got involved.
Mike: Mom, you were tired of him breaking the rules, so I just gave him one that he could live with.
Maggie: What do you think, Mike, that these rules are arbitrary? That we just pull them out of a hat?
Mike: Well, I've never actually seen the hat.
Maggie: Ooh!
Jason: We're wasting our time. You will understand one day, Mike, when you have kids of your own.
Chrissy: I got it memorized. First card's square, then circle, then star, rectangle, triangle, wavy lines, red if you touch your ear, green if you pick your nose.
Ben: Touch my nose! You've got to remember, honey, this is really important.
Chrissy: I know...Sasha sweater super-nervous.
Ben: Chrissy, if we pull this off, I'll play tea-party with you every day this month.
Ben: Mr. Airheart, what a pleasure.
Airheart: Seaver, if this little demonstration of yours doesn't produce some quantifiable results, not only will you be barred from the field trip, you'll be lucky to get a passing grade in my class.
Ben: Mr. Airheart, we've had a rocky relationship.
Airheart: Hah!
Ben: Why don't we bury the hatchet?
Chrissy: Pleased to meet you Mr. Airhead.
Airheart: Hmm?
Ben: If you'll just sit over here, we'll begin.
Ben: Chrissy? You ready?
Chrissy: Square.
Ben: No, honey, we haven't started yet.
Chrissy: Circle.
Ben: Hey, what do you know! The first two are correct! Goosepimples, goosepimples.
Airheart: Excuse me, Carnac, but before you proceed, do you mind if I see those cards?
Ben: Sure.
Airheart: I promise I'll return them. (shuffling cards) Now you may begin.
Ben: Okay, Chrissy, I want you to make your mind a total blank.
Airheart: She's related to you; that shouldn't be difficult.
Ben: Now, Chrissy, I want you to guess what's on these cards. You have no idea how much I want you to guess what's on these cards.
Chrissy: A rectangle.
Ben: That's right!
Airheart: Huhn!
Ben: Okay.
Chrissy: A triangle.
Ben: How the heck! I mean, good girl.
Airheart: Can you see through this?
Chrissy: Nope! Let's go faster.
Chrissy: Diamond…star…square…circle…red circle…
Airheart: This, this, this is astonishing!
Ben: You're telling me! I mean, if she starts bending spoons, I'm outta here.
Airheart: Look, I don't know what you two are up to, but this has got to be some kind of a trick.
Ben: Sir, you shuffled the cards yourself.
Airheart: I, uh, I don't understand this.
Ben: Sir, I worked very hard on setting up this experiment. We both know I'm not a bad student, and I deserve a B. I also deserve to go on that field trip.
Airheart: Oh, why not. Why, I've never seen a student work so hard to get to the planetarium.
Ben: Astronomy is my life!
Airheart: Sasha Sorotski isn't so bad either.
Ben: Chrissy, you actually guessed what I was holding up?
Chrissy: Are you kidding? What do I look like, a mind-reader?
Ben: Well, then, what's the difference between this time and last time?
Chrissy: Last time I couldn't see the reflection in your glasses.
Ben: So, these tea parties; do I sit next to Mr. Teddybear, or by you?
Chrissy: By me.
[Later that night]
Mike: Ok, ok. 10:59, He'll be home by 11:00. Luke's a responsible kid. I can set my watch by the Luke-meister.
TV Announcer: It's 11:00, do you know where your children are?
Mike: Oh, that little two-faced twerp! What, does he think these rules are just arbitrary, like I pull them out of some hat?
TV Announcer: Two lanes of the Long Island Expressway have been temporarily closed, due to an overturned chicken truck. Guess you'd better steer clear. Offering biscuits and gravy.
Mike: Chickens! I'd hate to be caught in that mess.
[crash sounds, chickens, dream sequence]
Mike: How bad is it?
Nurse: Code F! Code F!
Mike: Well, what does that mean?
Doctor: I'll have to do a feather-ectomy. There's hope, he's a plucky little guy. Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
Doctor: Tweezers
Nurse: Tweezers.
Mike: Luke, Luke! Can you hear me? Are you all right?
Luke: (spitting) Is that you, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, it's me. I'm right here.
Luke: Why didn't you stop me from going to the party?
Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. Seaver, but there's only one more thing I can do.
Mike: What is it?
Doctor: I'll have to call in a specialist. Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
Doctor: Get Colonel Sanders on the phone.
Nurse: Colonel Sanders is dead, sir.
Doctor: Oh-oh!
Mike: Oh come on, what kind of trouble could he possibly get into? I mean, it's not like he's wild.
[dream sequence]
Pool Player: It's kinda late, Brower, shouldn't you be getting home?
Luke: (laughing) My guardian's the perfect sap! I've got him trained like a cocker spaniel.
Pool Player: (laughing) It's nice to have a pet.
Luke: Hey, bartender! Another round of root-beer floats! And leave the bottle!
Mike: I knew it! Gosh, mom was right! There's no telling what could happen after 11:00. He could run wild. He could break the law. He could take up a life of crime.
[dream sequence]
Priest: My son, do you have any last confessions?
Luke: I liked Ishtar.
Priest: That'll cost you. Is there anyone you'd like me to contact?
Luke: Call Mike Seaver. Thanks to him, I ran wild, broke curfew, and took up a life of crime. How come suddenly there's an echo?
Priest: We only use it on the important words. Well, the chair is waiting. Let's get cookin'. Sorry.
Mike: He liked Ishtar?
Mike: Luke, Luke! Do you have any idea what time it is?
Luke: Hey, I guess I blew it with that curfew thing, but at least I beat your parent home.
Mike: Hey, forget about my parents. You've got to answer to me.
Luke: Mike! Mike-ee! Mike-a-maniac!
Mike: Hey, don't you Mike-a-maniac me! You're grounded.
Luke: What?
Mike: For one month.
Luke: You're kidding!
Mike: No, I'm not kidding. Do you have any idea what you put me through tonight? I mean, I'm imagining that you're dead. Wondering if I'm ever gonna see you again.
Luke: Hey, I didn't do anything you haven't done a million times.
Mike: Well, that was different, Luke. I didn't do it to me; I did it to my parents. Now I know how they felt; they were just protecting me. Oh, whoa! Listen to me! Next thing you know, I'll be wearing white shoes and my belt up around my nipples.
Jason: That's it, Luke. You're grounded, and this time we mean business.
Maggie: Two weeks.
Mike: Hey, hey, I grounded him for a month.
Jason: A month? Isn't that a little severe?
Mike: Dad, please. Do not undermine me in front of the K-I-D. Now listen, mister, I want you to march up to your room, and think about what you've done. I'm serious. And wipe that look off your face.
Luke: Phew!
Maggie: Mike, don't you want to reconsider? You were a little rough on him.
Mike: You'll understand when you have kids.
[Two Weeks Later]
Maggie: Shh! Don't tell Mike, but I brought you up a little extra dessert.
Luke: Thanks!
Maggie: I'm still working on him to give you time off for good behavior.
Luke: Thanks!
Jason: Hi, Luke. Where's Mike?
Luke: Uh, I haven't seen him.
Jason: Good. So, uh, I know he said no more TV, but…
Luke: TV!
Jason: Shh! Just put it away. Put it away. I was never here.
Luke: Great, you're spying on me.
Mike: Luke, it's time you learned something from being grounded.
Luke: Boy, you don't let up. What, are you measuring the window for bars?
Mike: No! It's time you learned how to sneak out. Come on!
Luke: But this is your punishment.
Mike: I know. And if you say anything, you're grounded. Let's go!
Luke: Mike!