713 It's Not Easy Being Green

Maggie: Hey are you sure you and Mike can't stay for dinner? I'm making a figment: Lettuce!
Kate: That's really sweet Mrs Siever but Mike and I have tickets to the Nut Cracker tonight.
Maggie: The Ballet? Does Mike know they don't sell peanuts and you can't do the wave?
Jason: Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, ho ho ho. Guess what they've got down at Mary's Trees Trees Trees.
Maggie: I have to go trees?
Jason: They're better than any trees, these are twelve-foot noble firs, for only eight dollars.
Maggie: Eight dollars?
Jason: Well, previously owned.
Maggie: Jason we are not gonna get a big tree this year because you know how you get when you decorate it.
Jason: Jolly?
Maggie: Ho-ho-homicidal! Having everything your way! So this year we're gonna try something new.
Jason: Maggie, that's not a tree, that's Parsley!
Chrissy: Does a little tree mean little presents?
Maggie: Ho sweetheart, you know how much you care about saving the Earth? Well, after Christmas we can plant this tree and save it, too.
Chrissy: All year long, I care about Earth. At Christmas, I care about numero uno!
Mike: Ok, Katie, you ready to see the Nut Cracker?
Jason: Mike, you're going to the Ballet?
Mike: It's a ballet?
Carol: Yes, I am upset, and do you know why? Dwight Halliburton has just stood me up!
Carol: I trusted him and now my heart is cleft in twain.
Mike: Well I hope your twain will be leaving soon on a very long twip.
Kate: Mike, how could you do that to her when she is so upset?
Mike: Oh, Kate, she's just always like that. It's just who she is: Carol-yes-I-am-upset-Siever!
Kate: Well, could not you go and talk to her? For me?
Mike: Wa-el, okay.
Jason: Ouh, that boy is sm-itt-en!
Maggie: That boy is wh-ipp-ed!
Mike: Hey Carol, what are you doing?
Carol: Alphabetizing the bookshelf! I'd ask you for help but I'm too busy to train you.
Mike: I realize you don't wanna tell me about your stupid problem right?
Carol: Dwight has a new research assistant named: Felicia.
Mike: I guess you do.
Carol: And tonight we had tickets to see Istvam Penderecki.
Mike: Istvam who?
Carol: He's a performance artist who screams obscenities at the audience while setting his hair on fire. That's his Christmas show

Carol: Does not matter because he won't be going anywhere because I hate Dwight Halliburton before he even loses over!
Carol: Dwight baby, come home to Mama! Sorry Sir! Kate, telephone!
Kate: Thanks.
Mike: Carol you know what your problem is?
Carol: You and I both come from the same loin?
Mike: No, you get involved with people who make you jealous!
Carol: Everybody gets jealous.
Mike: Not me, because I know how to pick that woman I can count on, you don't see Kate standing me up do ya?
Kate: Mike?!! Great news! I believe…
Mike: Huh?
Kate: It was my agent! I have been picked in the Sporting Man swimsuit edition. We shoot in Jamaica, next week. So I have to get fitted for my suit right away.
Mike: But Kate, ah, I was so looking forward to going to the Ballet?
Kate: Oooh, (smooch) I'll make it up to you.
Carol: It's A, B…
Mike: Anybody still interested in a couple of tickets to the Nut Cracker?
Chrissy: I am I am!
Mike: Ok, fifty bucks.
Jason: What about Kate?
Mike: Oh she had to leave. Her agent called; She got a job in the swimsuit edition of the Sporting Man.
Ben: The issue I live and die for?
Luke: Babes and postage stamp screen bikinis.
Jason: Boys, oh girl, I wanted to meet her last year, haha, I did. Chrissy, you wanna go to the Nut Cracker with your old man?
Chrissy: Yeah.
Jason: Okay.
Luke: So, uh, when is Kate doing this bikini shoot?
Mike: That' s next week in Jamaica.
Ben: Oh, I love to be the photographer on that job. I mean one guy all those babes?
Luke: Well, um, forget that! I'd love to be the guy who rubs on the coco butter!
Ben: Forget that, I'd love to be the coco butter!
Mike: Hey, why do not you guys run a roll in the snow? Well, that's no ordinary photo shoot.
Ben: Yeah, maybe, but if Kate was my girlfriend I sure would not let her go to Jamaica.
Maggie: Ben, your brother trusts Kate.
Mike: Yeah!
Maggie: I am appalled of you two. Kate's a professional. Now she can stand in the sun all oiled up in the briefest of bikinis, having her picture taken by some jet-set photographer without anything untoward happening. I am glad that at least Mike knows that.

Francis: When I was seventeen, it was a very good year…. What are you doing here?
Mike: You sent for me.
Francis: Ah, I understand you volunteered to drive the bus for this year's Christmas tree cutting trip?
Mike: Yeah, I thought it might be a nice chance for some inner city kid to experience Christmas. You know the snow, the silver bells, the mistletoe.
Francis: Forget that. Think Nunez with a Chainsaw! Siever, you don't have the seniority to do this on your own. If you insist on taking them on this trip, I'll be forced to go ith you.
Mike: Great, the more the merrier.
Francis: Siever, have I ever done you any harm?
Mike: Look, Mr. Tedesco, I'll level with ya, I need to find something to do this week while my girlfriend is outta town, see she is a model, and she is gonna be in Jamaica doing the swimsuit issue of the Sporting Man.
Francis: See, let me give some unsolicited advice: Catch the next thing smoking to Jamaica.
Mike: Well, Mr. Tedesco, Kate and I trust each other okay? We're in love!
Francis: Don't you know love is a state of insanity?? I myself married Mrs Tedesco because she had a body that would not stop. Shortly after I married her, it stopped…..Love!... Makes your judgement take a holiday. You, you think you are marrying a goddess; And you wind up with a walking bathrobe that reads the Tinsel town Tattler!
Mike: Look, Mr. Tedesco. I am darn sure that I know Kate… pretty well.
Francis: But do you know Nigel Done.
Mike: No. Who is he?
Francis: He is the chief photographer for the Sporting Man. He is an Australian with rugged good looks and an appetite for every lovely model he photographs.
Mike: How do you know all this?
Francis: I read in the Tattler. "The bathroom can be lonely place…"
Jason: Okay son. How does it look now?
Ben: Perfect.
Jason: Hehehe, aw, come on Ben, it's still crooked! That's at least two degrees off!
Ben: Looks straight to me.
Jason: Pretty straight does feed the ring here pal...
Maggie: How's it going guys?
Jason: Hey great, just full of Christmas spirit.
Ben: At least it's full of it all right.
Maggie: Oh, Jason are you starting it again?
Ben: Yeah, but how do you always take this so seriously?
Luke: Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be fun.
Jason: Luke, Fun does not just happen. Fun is a matter of exacting preparation.
All: Oh no.
Jason: Yeah but, Christmas is the one time that you want everything to be right. Cuz I know when those stocking are hung at a 42-degree angle and that reed's centered precisely on the door is gonna fill us all with utile joy.
Jason: Besides, a sloppy Christmas is nothing more than a ..
All: Groundhog Day with Denzel.
Chrissy: daddy, loosen up.
Jason: I am lose sweetheart, I just have a crooked tree, something's just out of whack here. Uh, I must have the screw loose.
Mike: Ooh, lying sonnets… Is it time for dad's Groundhog with Denzel speech?
Jason: Yea it is.
Mike: (snaps) Ah.
Carol: If anyone asked I am off to the library to get a good look at Dwight's hussy new research assistant Felicia.
Mike: Aw, Carol, you're gonna spy on somebody outta jealousy? It's completely infantile. Only pathetic fools do that.
Carol: So you wanna come?
Mike: Alright alright, go check out, check out the invitation, but let me be clear, if she is female, breathing, she is 2 of you.
Jason: Why do you need her like that, can't you see she is in pain?
Mike: Come on dad, she is jealous over Dwight?? Duke of Dork? Who's gonna be around him?
Jason: Felicia might?!! It's only natural, when people work closely together, they become attracted to each other. Right? Researchers and scholars, actors, directors.
Mike: Models and photographers?
Jason: Exactly! That, that's the hole in my fear, that's eh, the exception.
Kate: Ah, isn't this exciting?
Mike: Yeah, my first press party! Can I go home now?
Mike: Hehehe! Look at the lines in those pants, you think somebody might actually pay money for those babies?
Stranger: Tweed jacket? Can you believe he actually paid money for that?
Nigel: There you are, Kate, darling!
Mike: Darling?
Kate: It's the way people talk at these parties.
Kate: Nigel Done, this is Mike Siever.
(Smooches)
Mike: Hello, Darwin? hehehe.
Nigel: You are going to look fantastic in this Suit: What do you think?
Mike: Kate? Euh...
Kate: Mike? All the models are actually wearing suits like these.
Mike: Well, other models are jumping off the building, would you do that too?
Nigel: Come on angel, let me introduce you to the press. Sorry Mike no boyfriends allowed.
Nigel: (posing and mumbling) Baby... Hm. Baby.
Jason: Hey, I am ready with my square, I get my plumb line, I get my spirit level, I could use a little help getting the tree straight.
Maggie: I have to go scrub the toilets.
Ben: I have to get a credit for the science report.
Luke: I have to get the script off the whiteboard.
Chrissy: I gotta eat some spinach.
Jason: Ok then, that's all the more fun for me! Mike, oh, you look like you're ready to go beg some trees. Kate's flagging up ok?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, it was fine dad.
Jason: Are you alright? Something on your mind?
Mike: Oh, well actually yeah.
Jason: Oh! Hang on, that order is my last! Uh, I gotta get a broom, just look but don't touch. Don't start with me.
Mike: listen Carol, I was wrong.
Carol: Why you only do this when they're no witnesses?
Mike: No no I mean it. And you have every right in the world to be jealous of Dwight and his assistant Felicia.
Carol: I saw Dwight's assistant this afternoon. She's an older woman.
Mike: Aw, I am sorry.
Carol: No, no, I mean ooold, blue hair, black glasses, get sent movies with half the price.
Mike: Oh, obviously something could have happened if she was young and attractive. With all that heat, and the dust, and the glitter, and the glamour and the parties and steel drums pounding?
Carol: In the library?
Mike: Oh whether it's the library or Jamaica does not matter.
Carol: Wait a minute, you are talking about Kate?
Mike: Hey hey hey, You leave Kate and Nigel Done out of this.
Carol: Nigel Done? This is wonderful. I was always jealous about nothing, and you are jealous about Nigel-tiny-Kangaroo-dance- ur, Done!?
Francis: Let's go Siever. You are hustling some kids with chainsaws out there. If you don't hurry, we'll be driving convertibles.
Mike: Mr. Tedesco, I can't go.
Francis: Your cook stinks in here, absolutely horrid! For a moment out there it sounded as if you said, "I can't go."
Mike: I can't.
Francis: Nnnno!
Mike: Mr. Tedesco, I have gotta go to Jamaica instead.
Francis: What??
Mike: Look, you're the one who told me to keep tabs on Kate.
Francis: You can't do this to me. I need this job till retirement. I have a wife and this pension is really the only thing we have going. I know it's no substitute for Children but we made a decision, I...
Mike: Mr. Tedesco, I did not quit. Look, I have gotta go to Jamaica.
Francis: Ohhhh. Well, if you must go, do me one favour:
Mike: What's that?
Francis: Take me with you!
Mike: Why am I in Jamaica? I 'm sure everything is fine.
Nigel: Okay give it to me baby. That's it, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Okay turn a little more towards me. I love it. I love it. Great. It's happening. Yes, it is.!
Mike: Kate!
Nigel: Beautiful, alright stand up now. That's it, that's it, okay. Beautiful, beautiful.
Yes, it's working. Let me see the back? Okay, I think what you need is …
Mike: Don't touch her. Don't you touch her!
Mike: Dah! You touched her!
Nigel: Okay, whose boyfriend are you?
Mike: Kate's!
Nigel: Last name, please!
Mike: Kate McDonald! Her! You are Kate? But that's okay, I was defending all women! Everywhere! And I am sure she's grateful…
Nigel: your Kate's off the shift.
Mike: No, no no, you can't do that!
Nigel: Already done!
Mike: Well, what if I apologize and let you hit me again?
Nigel: it's tempting but no thanks. Kate's up the Boot Shacks recovering.
Mike: Recovering?
Kate: Mike!
Mike: Kate!
Kate: What are you doing here?
Mike: What happened to your leg?
Kate: Oh, I got stung by a jellyfish! What happened to your eye?
Mike: I, I, forgot to put up my tray table in the upright position.
Kate: You won't believe what Nigel did. The minute I got on a plane he made a pass at me.
Mike: I knew it, I knew it, that scumbag just made a pass at you. Nothing happened right?
Kate: Nothing.
Mike: I knew it! I have got the most wonderful girl in the world and nothing could come between us!
Model: Nigel sent me over to check if you're all right.
Mike: Yeah, she's all right.
Model: Not her, golden gloves, you! We don't a stick to put on that but I'll send over for chilled blow-fish. Listen, don't feel bad, you're not the first jealous boyfriend who attacked Nigel. That's why he got his black belt.
Kate: You attacked Nigel? This whole time I thought you were handling things. You just did not trust me.
Mike: Kate, look I did it for you, I know guys like Nigel.
Kate: And you know me better. Mike, I am not the kinda girl who is gonna get involved with sly guys like Nigel Done!
Mike: But Kate.
Kate: Goodbye Mike.
Jason: Oh Christmas tree, o Christmas tree you are standing perpendicularly…Oh you are not one or two degree not most upright! O Christmas tree ? Oh Christmas tree, O Christmas tree we'll show them all night crazy!
All right time to decorate the tree everybody! Seems I am the only one with the Christmas spirit.
Maggie: Don't eat your fingers.
Luke: Everybody laughing, making decorations, now this is how I always imagined Christmas would be.
Chrissy: Ta-da!
Maggie: Oh, this is great! Nice plane, let's put it on the tree.
All: Ooooh.
Maggie: That's the perfect tree…..
Carol: Where have you been?
Mike: Well, I just spent my last dime to fly over 600 miles to Jamaica, to get dumped by my girlfriend, get punched in the eye.
Carol: How lousy a travel agent.
Mike: Carol, you were right, I was jealous.
Carol: No, you were right, I was jealous.
Mike: Of what? I thought Felicia was probably good material.
Carol: It was Esther I saw. Felicia is 22. Kind of a good-looking Michelle Fiver.
Mike: Probably give a Christmas present early: Kate and I broke up!
Carol: Dwight and I did too!
Mike: Really? Heh! Love stinks.
Carol: Yeah, Pee you!
Mike: Yeah, family's all you got.
Carol: You bet. Who needs Dwight and Kate when we have each other?
Mike: Now you're talking, let's hang out together!
Carol: Yeah! We'll go to museums, to operas, whoo! We'll get a house together, and we'll get cats, lotsa cats!
Mike: Alright, let's stop and see a movie?
Carol: Okay, I'll get the paper.
Mike: Ok.
Kate: Why…
Mike: You know Kate, I was asking myself the same question, why I was an insensitive jealous fool?
Kate: Nooo, why can't I stay mad at you?
Mike: Uh, what a girl I've got!
Mike: From now on, I am gonna trust you at all times!
Carol: Ok, Mike, I got the Movie Guy.
Mike: Oh beat it, Cat Lady.
Carol: What!?? I thought you two were on the rocks.
Mike: Carol, does this look like we are on the rocks?
Kate: Oh, those are for you?? I found them outside, they were for Carol!
Carol: Give me those you Tree Stumb. Listen to this:
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I fired Felicia,
Because I love you!"
Signed: Dwight Halliburton, your medieval prince.
Carol: Huh! Does not he just send you?
Mike: Yeah, right into the parcel of Brawn.
Jason: You guys wanna come in to the living room for a bit?
Mike: Oh the tree must be ready? Pretend that you like it.
Jason: Come on come. Cover your eyes!
Mike: Okay, cover your eyes.
Jason: Come on, Shhh! Don't wake the elves. Oops.
Chrissy: Can we look at our gifts?
Jason: No, no, nobody look, I want it to be a surprise, alright, everybody ready? Open Sesame.
Maggie: What's the matter you did not finish?
Ben: it's probably waiting for the blueprints to get back from the North Pole.
Jason: No, I am done, I just thought the rest of you might finish it up without me.
Luke: You mean we could decorate your tree any way we want?
Jason: Yes, look, its not my tree, it's our tree. I know it is hard to believe sometimes I just get carried away.
Maggie: Oh, Jason.
Ben: So can we put tinsel on in big handfuls?
Jason: If you wish?
Chrissy: I can put the candy kings in any crazy place we want?
Jason: If the spirit moves you?
Luke: And I put the heavy ornaments on top?
Jason: No, no, no.
Maggie: Ah, no!
Jason: Yeah, alright! But…
Maggie: Yeah! That's right.