712 B = Equals MC2

Loudspeaker: Ben Seaver get your hollow head in here!
Mr. Dewitt: M-i-s-t-e-r Seaver? Do you think that I'm a fool?
Ben: Sir, I was just repeating what everyone else was saying.
Mr. Dewitt: Oh, don't smart-mouth me. You have requested an application for the advanced placement exam. What are you planning to do? Stage a fake fire drill? Fire a smoke bomb? Hire a stripper?
Ben: Sir, if I could afford a stripper, I like…
Ben: I am not playing anything. I signed from the test because I really wanna take it.
Mr. Dewitt: Hold you promise. You expect me to believe that you, Ben Seaver, are college bound?
Ben: Yes! I am, that's why I wanna take the test.
Mr. Dewitt: But Mr. Seaver, you're a pathetic student. And the only person with worse grades than you is that kid who got hit by lightning.
Ben: Sure I am doing much better than Sparky!?
Ben: Please, check my grades!
Mr. Dewitt: A three point O (3.0)?
Mr. Dewitt: Ms. Dexter, put down that bottle. Someone has cracked the computer security code.
Ben: All I've been cracking are these books, if you don't believe me, please ask my teachers.
Mr. Dewitt: Lachaim!
Mr. Dewitt: Well, yeah, Mr. Seaver, I am going to give you the application for the exam… But if I find out that you've been tampering with your grades…
Ben: Sir, I haven't tampered with anything! I swear that I Ben Seaver am a 3.0 student. Believe me!


Carol: Brianne! What are you doing?
Brianne: Carol, I'm tired of being selfish, I have made a decision that will change both of our lives!
Carol: You're gonna pick up your toe nails after you clipped them?
Brianne: No! I finally realize this time I give a little back. So I am talking a job in Africa.
Carol: You are going to work in a third world country?
Brianne: I'm not sure what number it is.
Carol: Well, will you be working in hospitals? Building homes? Farming?
Brianne: Better: I'll be teaching low-impact aerobics at a Club made in Senegal!
Carol: Brianne, I don't know what to say?
Brianne: Oh, you're gonna miss me!
Carol: That hardly describes it!
Brianne: I got a plane to catch!
Carol: Brianne, I will never forget you!
Brianne: Don't you cry. Oh I'll be strong.
Carol: It's over! She's gone! L-ladies and gentlemen, Brianne has l-e-f-t the building.
Luke: Hey what's shaking?
Ben: I am playing a game of hide-n-eat with Chrissy.
Luke: Isn't it hide and seek?
Ben: Well, you play your way I'll play mine.
Luke: The advanced placement exam. Whooo smart guy!
Ben: Keep it down, I don't want mom and dad to know. If I fail, nobody will be the wiser.
Mike: Hey guys, where is dad? I need to hit him up for a loan before he meets with his account.
Jason: Do you think I am made of money?
Mike: Phew. Too late…
Carol: You guys will never guess what happened. Brianne moved out and I am gonna be alone for the rest of this semester.
Mike: Carol wake up, you're gonna be alone for the rest of your life.
Carol: You guys can laugh if you want but I am here to pack up and leave this place forever. You've seen this face for the last time.
Luke: Does anyone wanna feel that one?
Mike: Great, we will play numb! May I remind you that Carol is very important to us?
Luke: Er, You're right, she is your sister.
Mike: Well, to heck with that, she's got a room that you could have.
Carol: Absolutely, it's yours! Carol does not live here anymore.
Mike: Great. Hey you better get the car, we'll just throw your jacket out the window.
Luke: This is great, as soon as I get back from the library I am moving in.
Chrissy: I think you never find me.
Ben: I think so, too.
Chrissy: Ok, Ben. Now turn to you hide.
Ben: Oooh, really? Oooh, coats!
Chrissy: Ten, twenty, thirty, thirty, thirty, hundred! Aw, I am not falling for that.
CPA: I realize I am a licensed CPA, but I'll try to explain it in layman's terms: If you don't send bills you don't get paid!
Jason: Well, Carol used to input my data on computer, now she's away at college.
CPA: Can't one of your other kids help?
Jason: Ugh yeah, Mike's too busy, Chrissy's five, and Ben, he's a sweet kid but let's face it, he's no Einstein.
Jason: Oh, you're driving a Lamborghini?
CPA: I am not behind in my billings.
Jason: Can I honk the horn?
Chrissy: Alright he wouldn't. He might?! This is where I hid! How stupid can you be?
Ben: Ask dad.
Mike: Hello, excuse me. Can I help you?
Dwight: I was just admiring the pitch of your roof. It's been said, people have been stating up there all this time.
Mike: Uhm, believe it or not, you're the first! Hehe, uh, are you a uh roofer?
Dwight: Oh no! It's only a hobby.
Mike: I see.
Dwight: I am your new neighbour! Do you know the neo-Victorian House?
Mike: The what?
Dwight: With the renaissance influence!
Mike: What're you talking 'bout?
Dwight: This tree, three houses down…
Mike: Oh! Oh, uh, I um, a little advice, if you ever order pizza, just give'em your address.
Dwight: hahaha.
Mike: Hehehe, let me take a wild shot, you're a friend of Carol's right?
Dwight: Carol? Carol? Uh-haah , ooooooooh, I can say that name for hours.
Mike: Well, please don't, uh, I just ate. Ok?
Mike: Hey, Go down, the librarian!
Carol: Dwight?
Dwight: Ru-hoo. You're still the prettiest girl I've ever seen.
Carol: Dwight, where did you come from?
Dwight: This tree, three houses down…
Carol: The neo-Victorian House with the renaissance influence?
Dwight: Yes! I rented a month ago to be near you while I work on my PhD in medieval studies.
Carol: But we have not even spoken since the dance of the Catskills.
Dwight: Don't you remember that I told you then that I'd be moving to Long Island so that we could be together!
Carol: You said, "See you around!"
Dwight: Right, and then the next day I moved here.
Carol: You moved here a month ago to be near me, and this is the first time that you've come over?
Dwight: I didn't wanna appear to forward.
Carol: Wow. You know, nobody has ever changed their zip code for me.They probably went out the door for me. I don't know what to say!
Dwight: I knew it. I am arsing you. Pushee pushee pushee! I'll come back next month!
Carol: No, wait, I think it's sweet! And I'm glad you tracked me down.
Dwight: Groovy, hehe.
Dwight: Would you like to come to my house and listen to some Gagarian Chants?
Carol: You have them on CD?
Dwight: No, I sign them.
Carol: Groovy.
Ken: Hey, yo, Ben, What's up?
Ben: Nothing.
Ken: You look like you fell outta your twin bubble-a-zaggin. Did you know I got this study guide for advance placement exam and it's not as hard as we thought, listen to this:
Ken: Three boys share three quart canteen of oar. If the first boy drinks twice as much as the other two what do they each gain.
Ben: A mouth full of backwash.
Ken: What's with you? Yesterday you were all pumped up about taking the test.
Ben: Yeah, well, that was before I played hide-n-seek.
Luke: Okay, first time we'll move all the killed-stuff animals to the attic, I am gonna get rid of all those dead flowers, and then we are gonna get one of those pictures of dogs playing poker.
Mike: Oooh, oooh, oooh, don't get too light, I need a birthday present for Kate.
Mike: Hey, hehe, guys, what's this?
Black Dude: This is my ticket to a good university, I don't wanna end up Alf Landen Junior College. You know their entrance exam is guessing the number of beans in a jar!
Luke: Um, Mike, quit the Alf Landen.
Mike: For your information, that bean thing isn't half as easy as it sounds!
Ben: Teet-eet!
Jason: Hey guys, I could use some assistance for firewood.
Mike: Sorry no can do, Luke and I got a few minutes to get Carol's room.
Jason: Oh Ben, could pick four or five good dry logs please?
Jason: Ken, you wanna come in for some hot chocolate?
Ken: Oh no thank you Dr. Seaver I gotta go home, and study.
Jason: Awww, study, but to my boys study is just a room where Mrs. Peacock killed girl Mustard with a lead pipe.
Ken: Well, you wanna get together and review this tomorrow?
Ben: We'll see.
Carol: (chuckles) We can't believe we just spent the last six hours together!
Dwight: I know I know it only seemed like two hours and thirty eight minutes!
Carol: It's amazing how much we have in common. I can't believe somebody actually knows all the presidents' birth stones.
Dwight: I have to be honest with you; Millard Fillmore's Turquoise was just a lucky guess.
Dwight: Carol, I've never felt such an intense connection with anyone else before. I am on fire.
Carol: Me too. I can feel the electricity flowing through my body. I can't wait another minute. (smooch)
Dwight: Oh-hoo.
Carol: Me too.
Dwight: From now on, this will be our drive-way. Can we meet right here tomorrow?
Carol: Oh no! I just packed up all my stuff for them to give-away, I am telling my family they'd never see me again. To-mo-rrow it is.
Maggie: Carol, I thought you'd gone to New York!
Carol: Mother, the most amazing thing has happened. Do you remember Dwight Halliburton from the Catskills?
Maggie: The one who kept hitting himself in the head?
Carol: Right, and guess what: Now he's doing it in our neighbourhood. He has uprooted his whole life to move near me.
Maggie: Well that sounds very romantic. Bizarre, but romantic.
Carol: So, I have to stay here tonignt
Maggie: I heard you gave your room to Luke today.
Carol: Oh, well that's ok, I ,uh, I'll sleep on a foldable, sleep on a roof, If I can get any sleep at all. I am soaring like a bird, dancing like a breeze.
Maggie: Chattering like a baboon.
Carol: Oh Mike, you are so funny!
Jason: Oh, no no no Ben not like that. I thought I told you to get dry ones Ben? Go get a couple more please, use your head.
Maggie: Hey Ben, just the guy to test-taste the hot chocolate.
Ben: I am not thirsty.
Chrissy: I'll take his. He should not have all that sugar anyway.
Maggie: Jason, what's wrong with Ben?
Jason: Maggie that's such a broad question.
Maggie: No, tonight, first he did not touch his dinner, then he passes up hot chocolate! For Ben that's quiet.
Jason: He's fine, I saw him on the ground goofing up with Kenny just a couple of minutes ago.
Jason: Aw, perfect, yes, dry ones! Now, they'll go like that. Right, that, that's a fire.
Carol: Hi, I could not help by admire the pitch of your roof. Care to nibble on my muffins?
Blondie: Can I help you?
Carol: Is D-wight here?
Blondie: Oh, he, he's in the shower. Can I take a message?
Carol: Well, roof, pitch, nibble, Well I hope you both chew!
Jason: Oh ho ho, what happened here?
Maggie: Carol made muffins for her new boyfriend.
Jason: Ah, Carol's got a new boyfriend, Boo, muffins? So who's this new boyfriend of Carol's?
Maggie: Well you remember Dwight, the one I fox-trotted with at Catskill's?
Jason: Oh, haha the one who hits himself a lot.
Maggie: Uhm, I got a hunch this could be the one. I've never seen Carol act this way over a boy before?
Jason: Hey, Morning sweetheart? Oh you didn't tell me about this new boyfriend?
Carol: Boyfriend? I have no boyfriend.
Jason: I thought Dwight?
Carol: Dwight? Please! Just give me a little credit, since when does Carol Seaver have to lower her standards for a fork-tongued medieval maggot!
Jason: Sorry my mistake.
Carol: And another thing: As of this moment, Carol Seaver does not live here anymore.Ich bin ein New Yorker!
Jason: Jawohl!
Ben: Carol, can I ask you something?
Carol: Ben, this is not a good time.
Ben: Do you think I'm dumb?
Carol: Yes!
Ben: Well, it's a serious question. Do you think I am stupid?
Carol: Ben, you're dumber than used chewing gum, you have the IQ of a saw, doesn't even your dryer set to fluff, you need anymore I'll have to get back to you.
Mr. Dewitt: Mister Seaver!
Mike: Heh!
Mr. Dewitt: Long time no see.
Mr. Dewitt: I guess my rash was stress-related.
Mike: Well, it's nice to see you too. Why, you're dressed like Tuxedo Banana.
Mr. Dewitt: Mr. Seaver, when you were under my tutelage I was prohibited by law from inflecting bodily harm; Now that you've matriculated, I can wail the totter outta ya.
Mike: Hey, dad, it's for you!
Jason: Mr. Dewitt, what's wrong? And why are you dressed like some big Banana?
Mr. Dewitt: Oh I was cycling in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd swing by to check on why Ben didn't apply for the advanced placement exam.
Jason: Ben! He hates tests. He'll even look for Waldo.
Mr. Dewitt: Just as I thought.
Mr. Dewitt: This was obviously about smoke bombs and strippers.
Jason: Obviously.
Mike: Dad, Where is the Banana.
Jason: He went that way.
Mike: Thanks, just get ready for big bucks!
Jason: Hey Be-en!
Ben: Yah!
Jason: Our principal Mr. Dewitt was just here. Were you taking some advanced placement test?
Ben: Yeah right, dad, but what would I do with that? We both know I'm no Einstein.
Jason: What do you mean by that?
Ben: Well, what did you mean by it. I heard you when you told your accountant. Let's face it Ben is no Einstein.
Jason: Well obviously, I did not mean that way Ben?
Ben: Yeah, well you said it!
Ben: And I know you meant it cuz you didn't even knew I was listening. You think I am dumb and you've known me my whole life. I must be dumb!
Jason: No, Ben, No.
Mr. Dewitt: I have a confession to make. I did not tell you before because I did not wanna appear foolish in your eyes. It's my fault Ben's not taking that test. He expressed interested and I scoffed, I belittled, I had a great time. I did everything but call him stupid. Oh, since then I've talked to his teachers. Ben has a 3.0 average.
Jason: A 3.0?
Mr. Dewitt: I know. Pigs are flying. I have ruined your son. People trust me with their children and I, I break'em. Monday morning I am turning in my resignation.
Jason: Mr. Dewitt, it's not your fault it's mine!
Mr. Dewitt: Oh thank God. Oh to think I almost quit! Guess I better get my Schwinn in motion.
Mike: Smile!
Mr. Dewitt: That, that, that, doesn't..
Dwight: Hi Carol?
Carol: Hello.
Dwight: The strangest thing happened this morning. A woman in blue plaid came to my door, threw muffins at my sister, threatened her and then ran.
Carol: Your sister?
Dwight: Yeah, Elaine's a stewardess, she visits whenever she flies into Kennedy, and my question is why muffins.
Carol: Uhhm.
Dwight: You positively blew with this hour of the morning.
Carol: I do?
Dwight: I'd love for you to come meet Elaine, wanna come over for some muffins? They're not very good, but what the heck they're free.
(SING) Mark Rice: "Mustang Sally… Guess you better slow mustang down…"
Jason: Mustang Sally, it's one of my old-time favorites. Ben I had no business say something like this, like a stranger.
Ben: Alright, you didn't mean it anyway.
Jason: No, I meant it. I really did think you were no Einstein.
Ben: Thanks a lot Dad.
Jason: Neither was I.
Ben (reads Jason's score card): D, C, F, C minus, D. Is this you?
Jason: Uh-hum.
Ben: You really were no Einstein. You were barely a Trigger.
Jason: Boy it is Ben, even Einstein was no Einstein, you know he grew up that at school? Some of us don't' show our potential until later.
Ben: So you're saying that some day I'll start showing my potential?
Jason: You already have Ben. Last year when you started studying at home with your mother.
Ben: Well, that's fine when she was working with me.
Jason: That's not true. Your mother gave you confidence she got you started. But then you went out you took over by yourself. You became a 3.0 student on your own.
Ben: I did, didn't I?
Jason: And I almost blew the whole thing with that dumb remark.
Ben: But then why did you say that?
Jason: Oh you live in a family Ben, you tend to put labels on people. You know Carol was the smart one, Mike was the charming one, and then you, you're the one who goofy-glued sticky saliva into the dog-house.
Jason: You got through this change these whole last few months Ben, well and it happened right under my nose, and I did not even see it I am so sorry. I missed it, please. I wish I could take back what I said, but I can't. Will you forgive me?
Ben: I guess.
Jason: Like you start over, clear the slate?
Ben: Sure.
Jason: Right.
Ben: Hey, look, would you be interested in helping me input some data into the computer?
Ben: You're kidding. You trust me to do something like that?
Jason: Sure I would.
Ben: Dad, this means so much, coming from you. Will you pay me?
Jason: I'll pay you.
Ben: Oh, Dad, this means so much! Coming from you.
Screen: November 29th, 1991. Ben Seaver arrived to take the New York state advanced placement exam, unfortunately the test was scheduled for the 30th. Red-faced, the boy returned the next day and passed with flying colors. That same day a smoke bomb was detonated in the faculty lounge. To date, no suspects have been apprehended.

The end.