A reader apparently bruised by some personal experience，writes in to
complain，"If I steal a nickel's worth of merchan-dise，I am a thief and
punished；but if I steal the love of an-other's wife，I am free．"
This is a prevalent misconception in many people's minds--that love，like
merchandise，can be"stolen．"But love is not a commodity；the real thing
cannot be bought，sold，traded or stolen．It is an act of the will，a
turning of the emotions，a change in the climate of the personality．
When a husband or wife is"stolen"by another person，that husband or wife
was already ripe for the stealing，was al-ready predisposed　 toward a new
partner．The"lovebandit"was only taking what was waiting to be taken，what
wanted to be taken．
We tend to treat persons like goods．We even speak of children"belonging"to
their parents．But nobody"belongs"to anyone else．Each person belongs to
himself．Children are en-trusted to their parents，and if their parents do
not treat them properly，the state has a right to remove them from their
par-ents'trusteeship．
Most of us，when young，had the experience of a sweet-heart being taken
from us by somebody more attractive and more appealing．At the time，we may
have resented this in truder--but as we grew older，we recognized that the
sweetheart had never been ours to begin with．It was not the intruder
that"caused"the break，but the lack of a real relationship．
On the surface，many marriages seem to break up because of a"third party．"Th
is is，however，a psycholog-ical illusion．The other woman or the other man
merely serves as a pretext for dissolving a marriage that had al-ready lost
its essential integrity．
Nothing is more futile and more self-defeating than the bitterness of
spurned love，the vengeful feeling that someone else has"come
between"oneself and a beloved．This is always a distortion of reality，for
people are not the captives or victims of others--they are free agents，worki
ng out their own destinies for good or for ill．
But the rejected lover or mate cannot afford to be-lieve that his beloved
has freely turned away from him--and so he ascribes sinister or magical
properties to the interloper．He calls him a hypnotist or a thief or a
home-breaker．In the vast majority of cases，however，when a home is broken，
the breaking has begun long before any"third party"has appeared on the scene
．


一位读者显然是在个人经历上受过创伤，他写信来抱怨道："如果我偷走了五分钱的商品
，我就是个贼，要受到惩罚；但是如果我偷走了他人妻子的爱情，我没事儿。"
这是许多人心目中普遍存在的一种错觉--爱情，像商品一样，可以"偷走"。但是爱情并
不是商品；真情实意不可能买到，卖掉，交换，或者偷走。爱情是一种意愿的行为，是
感情的转向，是个性上的变化。

当丈夫或妻子被另一个人"偷走"时，那个丈夫或妻子就已经具备了被偷走的条件，事先
已经准备接受新的伴侣了。这位"爱匪"不过是取走等人取走、盼人取走的东西。
我们往往待人如物。我们甚至说孩子"属于"父母。但是谁也不"属于"谁。人都属于自己
。孩子是托付给父母的，如果父母不善待他们，政府有权取消父母对他们的托管身份。
我们多数人年轻时都有过恋人被某个更有魅力、更迷人的人夺去的经历。在当时，我们
兴许怨恨这位不速之客--但是后来长大了，也就认识到了心上人本来就不属于我们。并
不是不速之客"导致了"决裂，而是缺乏真正的感情。

从表面上看，许多婚姻似乎是因为有了"第三者"才破裂的。然而这是一种心理上的错觉
。另外那个女人，或者另外那个男人，无非是作为借口，用来解除早就不是完好无损的
婚姻罢了。

因失恋而痛苦，因别人"插足"于自己与心上人之间而图报复，是最徒劳、最自我折磨的
了。这种事总是歪曲了事实真相，因为谁都不是别人的俘虏或牺牲品--人都是自由行事
的，不论命运是好是坏，都由自己来做主。

但是，遭离弃的情人或配偶无法相信他的心上人是主动地背离他的--因而他归咎于插足
者心术不正或迷人有招。他把他叫做催眠师、窃贼或者破坏家族的人。然而，从大多数
事例看，一个家的破裂，是早在什么"第三者"出现之前就开始了的。