"M*A*S*H"
Screenplay by
Ring Lardner Jr.
Based on the novel by
Richard Hooker
Final Draft
February 26, 1969
FADE IN:
EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH ? DAY
Our attention is concentrated on a sign reading: "THIS IS
WHERE IT IS ? PARALLEL 38." Below these words, arrows point
to "NORTH KOREA" in one direction, "SOUTH KOREA" in opposite
one. Two Air Rescue helicopters are coming in low from the
north, descending to a point just outside the entrance to
the hospital Admitting Ward.
Transferring our attention to the helicopters, our gaze goes
from the first sign to a second one, on which all we can
read at first are the very large letters: "M-A-S-H." Moving
closer to the helicopters as they hit the ground, we can
make out the rest of the sign. Above the four large letters
it says: "4077TH," and then we see there is the remainder of
a word following each of the large letters, but in much
smaller print, so that "M-A-S-H" becomes "Mobile Army Surgical
Hospital." The helicopters land and enlisted men of the U.S.
Army Medical Corps Carry two wounded soldiers from each into
the Admitting Ward.
LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE, a permanent member of the
Medical Corps and Commanding Officer of the 4077th, watches
grimly as the wounded are borne from the helicopters into
his hospital. CORPORAL "RADAR" O'REILLY, with a long thin
neck, large ears and a knack for anticipating his Colonel's
wishes, moves up close behind him.
HENRY
(loudly)
O'Reilly!
RADAR
(at his side)
Yes, sir?
HENRY
Dammit, Radar, wait till I call you!
Tell Major Burns...
RADAR
One of the surgeons from the day
shift will have to stay on duty
tonight?
HENRY
Yes, dammit, and...
He interrupts himself, frightened by the intense expression
on Radar's face. The Corporal's head is turning back and
forth like an actual radar receiver, monitoring the northern
horizon where the valley of a river meanders between
mountainous ridges.
HENRY
O'Reilly, what is it?
(appalled at the
thought)
There aren't more choppers coming?
RADAR
I'm afraid so, Colonel.
HENRY
We've got too many wounded for us to
handle now! Get on the phone right
away and...
RADAR
Yes, sir, I'll see if I can reach
General Hammond in Seoul for you.
You think he'll finally break down
and give us two more surgeons?
The DISTANT SOUND of more HELICOPTERS becomes faintly audible
to the normal human ear, and a moment later one appears over
a ridge.
TIME LAPSE:
EXT. MOTOR POOL AND RAILROAD DEPOT ? 325TH EVACUATION
HOSPITAL ? YONG-DONG-PA ? DAY
Two officers come from opposite directions toward a Jeep,
each carrying a Valpac and trailing a barracks bag. Though
they still wear such later-to-be-discarded refinements as
captain's bars on their caps and overcoats, they are far
from West Point standards in dress and manner. DUKE, 29, is
still solidly built like the fullback he once was. HAWKEYE,
28, a former end, is taller and rangier, wears glasses. Their
accents, Georgia and Maine respectively, are in sharp
contrast. A MOTOR POOL SARGEANT who has driven the Jeep up
climbs out.
MOTOR POOL DRIVER
You the guys going to the 4077th?
DUKE
I'm one of 'em.
HAWKEYE
(state of Maine
affirmative)
Ayuh. I'm the other then.
As they stow their gear in the back of the Jeep.
MOTOR POOL SARGEANT
Lots of luck.
He leaves.
HAWKEYE
My name's Hawkeye Pierce.
DUKE
Duke Forrest.
Hawkeye takes the driver's seat. Duke, getting into the right-
hand side, has no objection, just a question.
DUKE
You got directions?
HAWKEYE
Ayuh, only it's early, I need a drink
to wake me up.
DUKE
I got some.
He turns around and opens his barracks bag, where he finds a
pint bottle conveniently located near the top.
HAWKEYE
Make it yourself, or is it real?
DUKE
Georgia, where I come from, it's
real if you make it yourself. But I
been buying from the Yankee Government
since they put me in this soldier
suit and give me a rate.
HAWKEYE
Tax-free booze. It's about all you
can say for army life.
DUKE
(passing bottle)
Where you from with that crazy way
of talking?
HAWKEYE
Crabapple Cove. Maine.
DUKE
Damn! That must be about as far north
as you can get.
HAWKEYE
Pretty near. What do you know about
the outfit we're going to?
DUKE
C.O. is Colonel Blake. Lieutenant
Colonel Henry Braymore Blake. One of
them regular army clowns. Push you
around so it's hard to get any decent
work done.
HAWKEYE
We got to head them off, right at
the start. Push them around first.
They have exchanged the bottle a couple of times. In the act
of raising it to his mouth, Hawkeye looks toward the hospital
doorway.
HAWKEYE
I think we already caught their eye.
Two MPs have emerged from the hospital administration offices
and are heading toward them. Hawkeye goes into action quickly,
starting the Jeep engine.
DUKE
What's the initials 'MP' stand for,
Hawkeye?
HAWKEYE
Shore Patrol, Duke. Let's go!
The Jeep starts off at its maximum takeoff speed and
accelerates dangerously as it careens out of the hospital
grounds.
TIME LAPSE:
EXT. ROAD NEAR OUIJONGBU ? DAY
Hawkeye and Duke are driving the Jeep along the muddy road ?
they come upon a sign which fills a large part of the screen:
"Last chance before Peking". A short distance behind the
sign, it is now revealed are three parked U.S. Army trucks,
in front of which parades a group of Korean prostitutes from
fourteen to forty-five.
Despite the autumn weather, their costumes, mixed American
mail order and Korean, are chosen for seductive appeal rather
than warmth.
HAWKEYE
Must be the Famous Curb Service Whore
?
(pronounced 'howah')
House. You in the market Duke?
DUKE
(in negation)
I done my shopping in Seoul last
night.
They now have a fairly clear view of a GI and a Korean female
lying in tight formation in the bed on one of the trucks,
their activity only partially concealed by a blanket.
DUKE
Curb service is right.
TIME LAPSE:
EXT. APPROACH TO 4077TH MASH ? DAY
Hawkeye stops the Jeep as they come to a place in the road
where they can get a downward look at their future home. The
river valley in which the 4077th Mash is situated is almost
surrounded by mountains. The components of the post are spread
out in a rough horseshoe with a large compound of level ground
in the middle. At the closed end of the horseshoe is the
main hospital building, made of wood with a tin roof marked
by a large red cross; everything else is canvas. To the left
of the main building are strung out the Admitting Ward,
Laboratory, Dental Clinic, Mess Hall, PX, Showers Tent, Barber
Tent and the Enlisted Men's Tents. On the right side are the
Postop Ward, Officers' Tents, Nurses' Tents, Korean Domestics'
Tents and finally, the Officers' Club. In the f.g., from
Duke and Hawkeye's angle are four helicopters belonging to
the 5th Air Rescue Squadron, and the signs we have already
seen marking the post and the 38th Parallel.
HAWKEYE
Well, there it is. Jesus!
DUKE
The spot we picked to spend the
winter. Maybe we ought to look a
little harder.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
INT. MASH MESS HALL ? DAY
As Hawkeye and Duke enter. The large tent has two floor levels
separated by a railing into a section for officers and one
for enlisted men, the two groups being much closer to
numerical equality here than in an ordinary military
installation. There is a further voluntary piece of
segregation within the officers' section: the men ? medical
officers plus a couple of administrative officers and a
helicopter pilot ? are at one long, rectangular table; the
nurses, ranging in rank from second lieutenant to captain,
at another.
Hawkeye starts to lead the way to an empty table in the
officers' section, but Duke calls his attention to the
outstanding feature of the nurses' table: LIEUTENANT DISH,
24, blonde and clearly, even in her winter fatigues, the
sexiest looking nurse in military history.
DUKE
What do you think of that piece of
scenery, Yankee boy?
HAWKEYE
Finest kind. We'll sit where we can
get the best view.
Accordingly, they select seats close to the nurses and facing
the Lieutenant. Some personnel are on duty in the hospital
during this lunch period, but beside Dish, two of the
following three nurses with whom we will become acquainted
are present here:
KNOCKO, who is black, a captain in her thirties, solidly
built, very strong and very competent in her job; LESLIE,
also a captain, not more than thirty, bright, attractive,
cheerful, the kind of girl that brings out the latent male
matrimonial instinct but who, strangely, is treated as
inviolate by the by the sex-starved men of the post; and
LIEUTENANT SCORCH, who can't match Dish or Leslie by physical
standards but has the asset of instant availability.
A Korean boy, not yet of military age, in green fatigue pants
and an off-white coat, appears promptly and heaps Duke and
Hawkeye's plates with food. Duke is hungry enough to turn
his whole attention to the meal, but Hawkeye is unable to
keep his eyes off Lieutenant Dish while eating. Thus neither
of them is aware of the attention they are getting from the
male officers' group, which includes HENRY, a couple of
medical captains named MURRHARDT and BANDINI; DAGO RED
(officially, Father John Patrick Mulcahy, red-haired Catholic
Chaplain of the area) and the PAINLESS POLE (Captain Walter
Zaldowski, Dental Officer), both in their thirties; and
CAPTAIN UGLY JOHN BLACK, an Australian anesthesiologist.
There is also curiosity about the newcomers from the unlisted
men's section, where we see among others RADAR; VOLLMER,
Henry's overweight Sargeant Major; CORPORAL JUDSON, young,
black and fresh from Mississippi; PRIVATE BOONE, who looks
too young and nervous to be in any man's army; and PFC
SEIDMAN, whose first trip out of New York has taken him
halfway around the world.
Henry, who alone has reason to be personally affronted by
Duke and Hawkeye's unmilitary behavior, gets up and crosses
to where they are sitting.
HENRY
I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows just
passing through?
HAWKEYE
Nope, we're assigned heah.
With which reminder we will abandon all indications of the
Maine accent.
DUKE
Y'all were short a couple cutters
and we're what the Army sent.
HENRY
Don't you know the first thing you're
supposed to do at a new post is
present yourself to the commanding
officer with your orders?
DUKE
Reckon so, but we been boozing all
day and you work up an appetite.
HENRY
(taking out orders
and handing Duke a
copy)
You're welcome to one of these,
whatever they are.
DUKE
(finding his orders)
They give you copies to burn.
Henry scans both papers to find what he considers the most
important part. There is a RUMBLE OF ARTILLERY in the
distance.
HENRY
Good. You've both been working close
to the front.
DUKE
(listening to artillery)
Never this close.
HENRY
They've hit us on Cherry Hill. I
just got word. We have our slack
periods but when the action starts,
you'll have more work in twelve hours
than a civilian surgeon does in a
week.
HAWKEYE
Colonel Blake, have no fear. Hawkeye
and Duke are here.
DUKE
(to Henry)
That's right, pal. You just sit up
front and sign the mail, and leave
the cutting to us.
HENRY
I may need you to go to work
practically immediately. But meanwhile
perhaps you'd like to meet some of
your fellow officers.
DUKE
Just one for a start.
HAWKEYE
The blonde dish.
HENRY
If you mean...
(looking toward
Lieutenant Dish)
She is a lieutenant in the Army
Nursing Corps, Captain.
HAWKEYE
Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess she's
already... involved with somebody
here.
HENRY
They've all tried. Nobody's got to
first base.
He is interrupted by the fact that Dish and Knocko have risen
from their table and are passing right by them on their way
to the door.
The Lieutenant has just as nice a walk as you would hope
for, and the men's eyes follow her till she is again out of
hearing distance.
HAWKEYE
Why bother with first base? I'd go
right for the home run.
The Painless Pole and Dago Red have come over.
DAGO RED
This the new talent, Henry?
HENRY
Captain Pierce, Captain Forrest...
Father Mulcahy, the Catholic Chaplain
of the area, and Captain Waldowski,
our Dental Officer.
PAINLESS
Better known as Painless Pole.
Murrhardt and Bandini come over and all ADLIB introductions
? asking each other their backgrounds, etc.
BANDINI
We all call him Dago Red.
DUKE
I'm Duke and he's Hawkeye.
PAINLESS
Glad to know you. Drop in at my clinic
anytime you feel like playing a little
poker, or even if a tooth is bothering
you.
HAWKEYE
Poker sounds great. When do you play?
MURRHARDT
He said anytime. Day and night, seven
days a week. The players change but
the game never stops.
HENRY
(to Hawkeye and Duke)
You'll be living with Major Burns.
O'Reilly!
Before his name is uttered, Radar has already risen from the
enlisted men's group, and is now at Henry's side.
RADAR
Sir?
HENRY
Don't do that, Radar! You make me
nervous.
RADAR
Sir?
HENRY
Don't come so quickly when I call. I
want you to take these officers...
RADAR
To Major Burns' tent. Yes, sir.
HENRY
Stop that, O'Rielly!
RADAR
Sir?
HENRY
Oh, get out of here!
RADAR
Yes, Colonel.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
EXT. / INT. "THE SWAMP" (PRESENTLY FRANK'S TENT) ? DAY
Hawkeye and Duke drag their bags from the Jeep, which Radar
drives away. They look over their new residence, a standard
army tent, square with peaked roof, a wooden door attached
to the canvas. Then as they approach it, they become aware
of a youthful Korean voice reading, in heavily accented
English, words that have no meaning for the speaker.
HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.)
'Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death... '
DUKE
Jesus Christ!
HAWKEYE
One of his ancestors, I think.
HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.)
'I shall fear no evil for Thou art
with me...'
They open the door of the tent and go in. There are three
canvas cots with sleeping bags on them, a plank floor, an
oil stove, electric light, a few crude shelves, one table
and one chair plus assorted crates serving as same.
MAJOR FRANK BURNS, 35, from Wisconsin, is sitting on one of
the two more favorably situated cots listening to HO-JON, a
Korean boy of 16, read from the Bible. He corrects the word
that has given Ho-Jon the most trouble.
FRANK
Thou. For Thou art with me.
(sees Duke and Hawkeye,
jumps up)
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
DUKE
What the hell's going on here?
FRANK
This is Ho-Jon, my houseboy. Our
houseboy. I'm teaching him English.
DUKE
Where's he gonna use that kind of
talk? 'The valley of the shadow of
death.' Wait a minute, Ho-Jon...
(rummages in barracks
bag)
I got something for you.
He takes out sex magazine, gives it to Ho-Jon in such a way
that we see the nude on the cover, but Frank doesn't.
DUKE
(to Frank)
Little light reading matter. Just
right for his age.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
Well, southern boy, I suppose you
want the sack that's convenient to
the door.
DUKE
And gets the wind every time it opens.
No, thanks. I'll take that one.
He indicates the unoccupied cot which, like Frank's, is at
the rear of the tent with the stove between it and the front
door. Hawkeye shrugs and reaches into his barracks bag.
HAWKEYE
Let's choose for it.
(finds baseball bat,
hands it to Duke)
You toss.
Duke tosses the bat vertically in the air. As it comes down
Hawkeye grabs it expertly at the tape with his left hand.
Duke puts his left hand above that, and Duke is left with
his right hand waving in the air with nothing to grab.
HAWKEYE
(to Ho-Jon)
Part of your education. Always use
your own bat.
He tosses Valpac onto the desired cot.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. ADMITTING WARD ? NIGHT
It's pretty full already and more wounded are being brought
in by corpsmen. In contrast to the opening scene, where the
casualties were a generalized fact seen at a distance, in
this scene they are viewed individually and at close range,
and the effect, both on the eye and the ear, is almost
unbearable. Hawkeye, in a white gown as are all the surgeons
and nurses, moves from a patient he has just examined to one
who is letting out a number of unintelligible SOUNDS mixed
in with such clear and frequently repeated words as "Christ,"
"Mother," "God damn" and "Please." As Hawkeye approaches,
Lieutenant Scorch removes enough of the bandaging done in
the field to display an abdomen with part of its contents on
the outside.
HAWKEYE
Two-man job. How much blood has he
had?
LIEUTENANT SCORCH
Second pint.
HAWKEYE
Duke...
Duke has just examined a patient. He takes a step towards
Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
This kid's ready but we won't know
all the damage till we get in and
see what's happened. What have you
got?
DUKE
Nothing can't wait. Shall we check
it out with the Major?
He indicates a Major who is standing a short distance away,
looking like a boss but not actually doing anything. Also in
Admitting Ward are, Murrhardt, Lieutenant Dish, PFC Seidman,
Corporal Judson.
HAWKEYE
Naw, I already found out. The only
thing he doesn't like about being in
charge is making decisions.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. OPERATING ROOM ? NIGHT
NOTE: All principal cast should be available for all operating
scenes.
There are three operations going on at once. Here all
personnel wear white caps and masks and it is hard to identify
individuals except that at close range we can distinguish
Hawkeye by his glasses and Duke by his eyes and his build.
They are working together with great efficiency and an
instinctive collaboration that seems to require no verbal
exchange. What we see them do, without necessarily recognizing
the portion of anatomy involved, is to cut out a section of
bowel damaged by a shell fragment, and start sewing the
divided ends together.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. OPERATING ROOM ? NIGHT
Hawkeye and Duke are working together on the last stages of
a leg amputation. This time there is no doubt about the
surgical process we are watching; we see the almost severed
leg and the process of controlling bleeding; then the limb
is actually separated from its stump and handed by Duke to a
corpsman. Hawkeye speaks to the nurse standing behind him.
HAWKEYE
Hot pack.
Watching her dip the pack into a warm solution and wring it
out, he recognizes, despite cap and mask, that it is
Lieutenant Dish. His eyes linger on hers for a brief moment.
TIME LAPSE:
EXT. OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM ? NIGHT
Lieutenant Dish comes out of the Operating Room, tears in
her eyes, trying to control her sobs, and moves just outside
the circle of light from the fixture over the entrance. There,
no longer under observation, she lets herself cry. Hawkeye
comes out the door, registers surprise at the sight of her
just as if he hadn't followed her out. He moves to her side
and puts a comforting arm around her.
She looks up just long enough to see who it is, then buries
her head on his shoulder as his other arm goes around her.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Isn't this ridiculous, Doctor? Six
months I've been here and there are
still times when I can't stand it. I
just go to pieces.
HAWKEYE
There's nothing ridiculous about it.
(turns her face up to
his)
A kid like you...
She doesn't move her head from the way he has arranged it,
and her lips are very close to his. He kisses her and it
turns out, from the ardent way she responds, that's what she
wanted him to do.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Thank you, Captain Pierce.
(her voice full of
need)
It's been so long.
HAWKEYE
No trouble at all.
(then)
Hawkeye.
LIEUTENANT DISH
How did you get called that?
HAWKEYE
'The Last of the Mohicans.' Only
book my father ever read.
He kisses her again and again she clings to him.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're getting a workout, you and
Captain Forrest, your first night.
HAWKEYE
It isn't always this rough?
LIEUTENANT DISH
Oh, no. We have dull stretches every
week or so, thank God, when there's
nothing to do after midnight.
HAWKEYE
They don't have to be dull. I mean
if you and me put our minds
together...
LIEUTENANT DISH
Our minds?
HAWKEYE
For a start. I just have a hunch...
well, it isn't entirely a hunch...
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're an attractive man.
HAWKEYE
You have a certain modest charm
yourself.
LIEUTENANT DISH
(continuing her own
thoughts)
But I'm married.
HAWKEYE
Something else we have in common.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Very happily married.
HAWKEYE
Same here.
LIEUTENANT DISH
And absolutely determined to be
faithful to my husband. Do we have
that in common, Captain?
HAWKEYE
It's a matter of definition. Faithful
in spirit, yes.
LIEUTENANT DISH
I don't make the distinction. But
the sex urge is a powerful force. In
women just as much as men.
HAWKEYE
Ayuh.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You'd think now, with only six weeks
before they ship me back home, it
would be easier. But it isn't.
HAWKEYE
Of course not.
LIEUTENANT DISH
It's terribly hard. Sometimes the
temptation is just too much.
HAWKEYE
Then why not, as long as it wouldn't
hurt anybody...?
LIEUTENANT DISH
(not hearing him,
just continuing her
own thought)
But you've made me feel strong again,
Captain. Hawkeye.
(smiling, tears gone,
ready to return to
work)
You helped me pull together when I
needed it.
With a grateful look at him, she goes back inside. Hawkeye
contemplates the accomplishment she has credited him with,
and finds it appalling.
INT. OPERATING ROOM ? NIGHT
Hawkeye and Duke are working across the table from each other
again, this time inside a man's chest, stopping a hemorrhage
and debriding the wound.
DUKE
Now that's what I call real pretty.
We can close up here and go into his
belly.
HAWKEYE
He can't take much more time on the
table.
DUKE
So we got to cut him fast. I figure
from the X-ray it ain't just the
spleen. We also got to snatch his
right kidney.
EXT. MASH COMPOUND ? MORNING
Wearing fatigues now, Hawkeye and Duke are making their weary
way from the hospital to their tent after a night's work.
There is an announcement coming over the post-wide public
address system, but it doesn't concern them.
SARGEANT VOLLMER'S VOICE
(over P.A.)
Captain Murrhardt, please report to
the Colonel's office at the earliest
opportunity. Captain Murrhardt.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
INT. THE SWAMP ? MORNING
Ho-Jon throws a match into the oil stove, but it doesn't
work. He looks into it, strikes another match, and this time
it lights up so quickly he is almost singed by the flame.
Hawkeye and Duke open the door and come in. Ho-Jon straightens
and bows.
HO-JON
Good morning, Captain Pierce and
Captain Forrest.
HAWKEYE
You can cut the bow.
HO-JON
I have not understood what you means.
HAWKEYE
(demonstrating bow)
That. It's out of the act.
He and Duke remove their outer clothing during the ensuing:
HO-JON
Because is not democrash? All peoples
created equal?
DUKE
Hey, you been sneaking some reading
outside the frigging Bible!
HO-JON
I have great interest for America,
his peoples and his custom.
DUKE
Good, because we got a fine old
American custom we want to teach
you. You know what these are?
He gives Ho-Jon two bottles. The boy looks at the labels.
HO-JON
Gin. I know, yes.
(reads other label)
Dry...
(has trouble with the
word)
...vermouth.
EXT. MASH COMPOUND ? MORNING
Frank walks toward the tent from the direction of the
hospital.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
INT. THE SWAMP ? MORNING
Frank opens the door and is taken aback by the sight of the
two bottles on the table and Ho-Jon filling glasses held by
Duke and Hawkeye, who have climbed into their sleeping bags.
He is so disturbed he fails to shut the door.
FRANK
Is that liquor?
HAWKEYE
Finest kind. We're training Ho-Jon
to be a bartender. Join us?
DUKE
But first will you please kindly
shut the goddam door?
FRANK
I don't drink intoxicants.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
Christ Almighty, I think he means
it!
DUKE
We been had.
FRANK
I don't believe it's right for you
to involve a boy who's not seventeen
years old yet...
DUKE
The door, Frank, the door! Where you
from anyhow, Alaska?
FRANK
(closing door)
Wisconsin.
DUKE
Same general idea.
Frank proceeds to take off his outer clothing preparatory to
retiring.
HO-JON
Officer all sleep now, yes? And I go
wash clothes.
HAWKEYE
Right, Ho-Jon. See you later.
FRANK
So long, Ho-Jon.
DUKE
You make a mean martini, kid.
Ho-Jon goes out. Duke and Hawkeye settle back to enjoy their
drinks but they both come bolt upright when they see Frank
drop to his knees by his cot and begin to intone the Lord's
Prayer.
FRANK
Our Father who art in Heaven Hallow'd
be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy
will be done, On earth as it is in
Heaven...
Hawkeye and Duke find it hard to believe their eyes and ears.
They never expected to see a grown man behaving as Frank is
now.
FRANK
Give us this day our daily...
HAWKEYE
You ever caught this bread, and
forgive our syndrome before, Duke?
FRANK
...trespasses as we forgive those
who trespass against...
DUKE
Us. Lead us not into...
FRANK
...No cases over the age of temptation
but deliver us eight. from evil. For
Thine is the kingdom, the power and...
HAWKEYE & DUKE
...the glory forever. Amen.
(raising martini
glasses)
Amen!
DUKE
(singing)
Onward Christian soldiers...
DUKE & HAWKEYE
(singing)
Marching as to war. With the cross
of Jesus going on before. Christ our
Royal Master, leads against the foe.
Forward into battle...
DUKE
(breaking off singing,
points to Frank)
He ain't finished!
For a moment, before Hawkeye speaks, some of the words Frank
is mumbling come through.
FRANK
...And for our young men on the field
of battle, that they may return home
to their dear ones...
HAWKEYE
Come clean with us, Frank. Were you
on this religious kick back home, or
did you start to crack up here on
the post?
FRANK
(ignoring him)
...And for our Supreme Commander
over here and our Commander-in-Chief
in Washington.
DUKE
How long does the show go on, Frank?
Frank turns his head toward Duke while remaining in praying
position.
FRANK
It gets longer all the time. Now I
have your soul to pray for, and
Captain Pierce's.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE ? DAY
Sargeant Vollmer is working on some papers at his desk when
Hawkeye and Duke come in. They pass right by him and head
for Henry's door.
VOLLMER
Hey! That's a Colonel's office!
HAWKEYE
(hand on Henry's door)
Ayuh. Just who we're looking for.
(opens door)
Henry, you got to do something!
LESLIE exits from Henry's office as they enter.
INT. HENRY'S OFFICE ? DAY
Henry is at his desk. Duke and Hawkeye come in and seat
themselves in informal comfort. Both watch Leslie exit.
HAWKEYE
We've stuck it out for a whole week
now... Pretty girl.
DUKE
We sure don't aim to cause any
trouble... Yeah, she seems to grow
on you.
HENRY
You don't aim to cause any trouble ?
But?
HAWKEYE
But we strongly suspect something
will happen to screw up this splendid
organization of yours if you don't
get that sky pilot out of our tent.
HENRY
Your tent?
DUKE
Yeah, maybe move that nurse in. She
don't seem the type to keep you awake
praying.
HENRY
(pause)
I have been in this Army a long time.
I know just what you guys are up to.
But there are limits...
HAWKEYE
We'll find out what they are when
you throw us out.
HENRY
That's all the commitment you're
offering me?
(to Duke)
Or do you have some more extravagant
gesture of cooperation?
DUKE
No, Hawkeye just said it all.
HAWKEYE
Except we forgot one other small
thing.
DUKE
What's that?
HAWKEYE
The chest-cutter.
DUKE
Yeah, that's right.
(to Henry)
You better get us a chest-cutter
before there's trouble.
HAWKEYE
This outfit needs somebody who can
find his way around the pulmonary
anatomy when the bases are loaded.
DUKE
And it's the ninth inning.
HENRY
Forget it. No Mash unit has a chest
surgeon and we aren't about to get
one. Your housing problem I'll give
some thought to in the next couple
of weeks.
Radar O'Reilly comes in with "Emergency" written all over
his expressive face. He makes a hand gesture to Henry that
could loosely be construed as a salute.
HENRY
Yes, O'Reilly?
DUKE
How you, Radar?
RADAR
They're running behind in the OR,
sir, and the Preop Ward is all jammed
up. Two choppers and three ambulances
full.
This is the most serious kind of crisis for the outfit, and
Henry's expression shows it.
HENRY
(to Duke and Hawkeye)
You boys'll have to go to work early.
DUKE
You fixing to add overtime to a twelve-
hour day? The union ain't gonna like
it.
HAWKEYE
You work those kind of hours, you
got to have rest. Which you can't
get with somebody jabbering away on
a direct line to heaven.
HENRY
(crisply)
Major Burns will be out of your tent
in twenty-four hours.
(to Radar)
Tell them Captain Pierce and Captain
Forrest are on their way.
Radar goes out. Duke gets to his feet and Hawkeye makes a
preliminary move toward doing so.
HAWKEYE
About that chest-cutter...
HENRY
I'll try, d-d-dammit! You can't ask
any more than that!
HAWKEYE
We don't want any more than that.
(following Duke out)
Right now.
TIME LAPSE:
EXT. MASH COMPOUND ? DUSK
Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish are walking close together in an
otherwise deserted area.
HAWKEYE
Cold?
He puts an arm around her without waiting for an answer. She
smiles at him fondly.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Even if I weren't.
HAWKEYE
Maria...
He kisses her and they cling together, standing outside a
tent identified by a sign: "OFFICER'S CLUB."
LIEUTENANT DISH
Oh, Hawkeye, I don't think I could
stick it out these next few weeks
without you.
Hawkeye opens the door of the Officers' Club, looks in.
HAWKEYE
Nobody here.
He steps aside to let her precede him in. There is nothing
inside except a pool table. She hesitates. He takes her in
his arms again, this time pressing his hands against the
seat of her fatigue pants.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You understand why I still can't...
Ho-Jon appears in his line of vision, not hers.
HO-JON
Captain Pierces...
Hawkeye lets go of her, and they try to look like innocent
strollers.
HAWKEYE
Hi, Ho-Jon. How they goin'?
HO-JON
Finest kind. Captain Forrests say
you better haul ass home quick. We
got new chest-cutter in our tent.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
EXT. THE SWAMP ? DUSK
The wooden front of the tent has a new sign identifying it
as "THE SWAMP."
INT. THE SWAMP ? DUSK
First we see Hawkeye sitting on his cot, looking across the
tent at the newcomer. Attached to the canvas wall behind him
is a photograph of his wife and two sons, aged four and two.
Next we turn our attention to Duke on the adjoining cot
(formerly Frank's). He also has a family picture on display:
his wife, two-year-old daughter and an infant. Then we get
our first glimpse of TRAPPER JOHN, their new tentmate, about
30, tall and very thin, his head pretty well hidden inside
the hood of a parka. He is using cellophane tape to install
one of the popular nude photos of the day (such as the one
of Marilyn Monroe that circulated so widely in the early
1950's).
Completing the group is Ho-Jon, who sits on the floor,
silently taking in everything that is done or said.
Finished with his decorating effort, Trapper reaches into
the depths of his parka to produce a can of beer. He digs
into the other side, finds an opener and opens the beer.
Then his head goes back inside the parka along with the can
as he takes a swig from it.
DUKE
(to Hawkeye)
Now I got you for a witness, I'm
going to try again. So far all I
dragged out of him is he's from
Bahston and he's only been in the
Army two months.
(to Trapper)
Where were you when they drafted
you?
TRAPPER
Home.
DUKE
I mean, what were you doing? Were
you a resident or on a staff
someplace?
TRAPPER
That's right.
DUKE
Where?
TRAPPER
Hospital.
DUKE
Which hospital?
TRAPPER
Back home.
DUKE
Is there any reason why we shouldn't
know the name of it?
TRAPPER
No.
(a long swig of beer)
Or why you should.
HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
I think I've seen this nut somewhere.
(to Trapper)
Haven't I?
TRAPPER
If you don't know what you've seen,
why should I?
Hawkeye is unsatisfied. He keeps staring at Trapper, sure
he's seen him before.
DUKE
(to Trapper)
You ready to switch to a little tonic
we generally take us about this time?
Ho-Jon...
Ho-Jon goes to the table and takes a few ice cubes from a
hospital ice-bag, puts them into the pitcher along with gin
and a dash of vermouth.
TRAPPER
Don't you use olives?
DUKE
Where you think you are, boy? They
probably never seen a olive in this
country.
Ho-Jon pours three water-glasses full of martini and starts
to distribute them.
HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
That's the front up the road a few
miles. We have to get by without
some of the comforts of home.
TRAPPER
I like an olive.
He reaches into his parka, comes up with a bottle of olives,
takes one out and puts it into the martini Ho-Jon serves
him. Then, as Hawkeye and Duke gape at him, he offers them
the bottle.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. OPERATING ROOM ? DAY
There are two operations going on, one of them being a simple
procedure requiring one surgeon and one nurse. The other by
contrast is a very special event. Trapper is operating,
assisted by another surgeon, a couple of nurses, a corpsman,
and the anesthesiologist, UGLY JOHN BLACK. Beside these actual
participants almost all the nurses and doctors from both
shifts, including Duke, Hawkeye (with Lieutenant Dish), Frank
and Henry, are in a circle around the operating table as
spectators.
Trapper's job is repairing a lacerated pulmonary artery, or
some other delicate piece of surgery close to the heart and
involving a large chest incision. We see enough of the process
to observe that it is gory and deep inside a critical area,
but necessarily it is the reactions of the people watching,
especially Duke and Hawkeye, that tell us how tricky an
operation it is and how expertly Trapper is handling it.
The sequence is silent except for incidental operating room
noises.
Even Trapper's occasional terse instructions to his assistants
and his brief exchange with Ugly John are spoken too low for
us to hear.
There are four stages to the action:
1. The beginning of the operation before an attentive
audience, drawn by their interest in the new man and by the
fact that this is a surgical procedure they have never dared
to attempt.
2. Limited approval and professional respect for the assurance
with which Trapper plots his incision and starts working his
way to his destination.
3. Mounting tension as the crucial stage is reached. The
suspense reaches its crest during the few moments when Trapper
is doing the actual mending job to which all the preliminaries
have led. The faces of his colleagues express anxiety and
hope that he can accomplish what he set out to do, and
accomplish it quickly enough to permit the patient to survive.
Henry, not certain of his own judgment, looks to Duke for
confirmation, and Duke nods to indicate he thinks Trapper
has the situation under control.
4. The tension breaks as Trapper finishes the job to his
satisfaction and begins, along with his assistant surgeon,
to close up. Henry's smile of relief is unsure and only
tentative until he catches Hawkeye's signal that the job has
been done to perfection.
TIME LAPSE:
EXT. MASH COMPOUND ? DAY
Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke emerge from the hospital in
fatigues. Some enlisted men are tossing a football around.
One of them makes a wild throw and the ball rolls to a stop
at Trapper's feet. He stops to look at it and the other two
halt with him. Then very slowly, Trapper leans over and picks
up the ball, waving Hawkeye downfield.
Hawkeye complies unquestioningly and when he is about thirty
yards away, Trapper whips a perfect pass into his arms.
Hawkeye just stands where he is, holding the ball, oblivious
of the enlisted men who want it back, as Trapper and Duke
continue toward him.
Revelation jolts him with apocalyptic force.
HAWKEYE
Jesus to Jesus and eight hands around!
Duke, did I ever tell you how I beat
Dartmouth by intercepting a pass?
DUKE
Sixteen times.
HAWKEYE
We didn't have a chance, little
Androscoggin College against the Big
Green, but there was this blizzard
and we held then nothing nothing
till the last twenty seconds. Then
this great passer of theirs let one
go, snow and all...
TRAPPER
Lucky you didn't have your mouth
open or it would have gone down your
throat.
HAWKEYE
He's Trapper John! Only man in history
who ever found fulfillment in the
ladies' can of a Boston and Maine
Railroad car! When the Conductor
caught him in there with his Winter
Carnival date, she screamed: 'He
trapped me!' What have you been doing
since those days, Trapper?
DUKE
What does he have to do? A score
like that, a man could just live on
his reputation.
The enlisted men, increasingly concerned about their football,
are muttering mutinously to each other. Hawkeye is too carried
away about Trapper's identity to notice this till Trapper
calls it to his attention.
TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye)
Ball.
Hawkeye looks at the football and at the enlisted men, and,
finally getting the point, throws it back to them.
TRAPPER
(relieved to find
another subject)
What gives over there?
They look across the compound to the Shower Tent, behind
which an Army truck full of GIs has just pulled up. While
Hawkeye and Duke explain what's going on to Trapper, and the
three of them move in for a closer look, we see the visiting
GIs drop one by one from the rear of the truck, pay their
admission fees and take their places in the line leading up
to the strategically placed peep hole in the rear corner of
the tent.
DUKE
Must be Painlees Pole Day in the
Shower Tent.
HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
You met him. Walt Waldowski, the
Dental Officer.
DUKE
Nice guy, for an enamel surgeon.
TRAPPER
What are they peeking at? Captain
Waldowski in the shower?
HAWKEYE
Part of him. Painless is the owner
and operator of the Pride of Hamtrack.
That's where he comes from...
Hamtrack, Michigan.
DUKE
Best equipped dentist in the whole
goddam Army. Care to have a look, a
man with your background?
HAWKEYE
Way we hear it, the Pride is supposed
to have run up the highest lifetime
batting average ever recorded in
Wayne County.
EXT. SHOWER TENT ? DAY
Corporal Judson from Mississippi takes his turn at the
peephole. His speech is that of the rural southern black.
JUDSON
Ah'd purely love to see it angry.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. OPERATING ROOM ? NIGHT
Hawkeye and Duke are working on a patient about whose chances
their faces reveal extreme pessimism. The nurse in attendance
is Leslie.
Hawkeye takes the patient's blood pressure and frowns at the
reading.
HAWKEYE
This kid looks like a loser. Maybe
we better get the bead-jiggler to
put in a fix.
DUKE
(to Leslie)
Call Dago Red.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. OPERATING ROOM ? NIGHT
Without interfering with the administration of blood and
other medical measures, Dago Red is just finishing giving
last rites to the patient.
DAGO RED
...May God remit unto thee the pains
of the present and future life, open
to thee the gates of heaven, and
bring thee to everlasting life.
(makes the sign of
the Cross)
May Almighty God bless thee, Father,
Son and Holy Ghost.
LESLIE
(taking patient's
pulse)
Duke...
She wants him to feel it and he does, reacting excitedly.
DUKE
Slowing down!
Hawkeye meanwhile is checking blood pressure again.
HAWKEYE
Going up. Nice work, Red.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. THE SWAMP ? DAY
Dago Red is the cocktail guest of the three Swampmen. Ho-Jon
sits in his usual place on the floor, following everything
that's said and refilling martini glasses wherever needed.
DAGO RED
There's sort of a built-in prayer
for the sick man to get well, but of
course that's not the basic intention.
HAWKEYE
I don't care about the intention. I
just know your Cross Action is a
plus on our side. I've seen it come
through four times.
DUKE
And you've had a natural four times
in a row in a crap game. Right? Does
that mean...?
HAWKEYE
Not without lots of praying and
kissing the dice.
(to Dago Red)
It's a different ritual but it works
the same.
DUKE
What do you think, Trapper?
TRAPPER
Me? I was raised a mackerel-snapper...
Dago Red gives him a quick, intent look, which Hawkeye notes.
TRAPPER
...But I turned in my knee pads.
HAWKEYE
Ho-Jon, give the Father some more
martini.
DAGO RED
Just a taste, Ho-Jon.
(to the group)
I'd better get to the point... what
I came here for today.
DUKE
You came because we asked you, for a
drink.
HAWKEYE
We wanted to tell you how you were
helping us with your fixes.
DAGO RED
Well, sure, but I'm also worried
about Walt Waldowski ? Painless. His
poker players got in an argument and
asked him for a ruling, and he said
what difference did it make, it was
just a card game.
It's obvious from the shocked reactions of the Swampmen that
the priest couldn't have reported a more ominous symptom.
HAWKEYE
I guess I'm getting a toothache I
better have looked at.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
INT. DENTAL CLINIC ? DAY
There is no activity around the dental chair, but the nonstop
poker game is thriving as Hawkeye enters, carrying a bottle
in a paper bag. The players are evenly divided between
officers (UGLY JOHN, MURRHARDT and a visiting HELICOPTER
PILOT) and enlisted men (VOLLMER, RADAR and JUDSON).
UGLY JOHN
Take a seat, Hawk. We can use a fresh
pigeon.
HAWKEYE
Got to see the man about a tooth.
Where is he?
RADAR
(to Vollmer)
Call. With a pair of kings.
(to Hawkeye, pointing
to smaller tent
attached)
Inside.
Hawkeye goes on into Painless' private quarters.
VOLLMER
(indignantly, to Radar)
How can you call with one lousy pair?
Ought to be a house rule against
mind reading.
BRIEF TIME LAPSE:
INT. PAINLESS' TENT ? DAY
Painless is lying on his back on the cot, staring blankly at
the ceiling. Hawkeye has poured drinks from his bottle and
is sipping his, but Painless' remains untouched.
PAINLESS
If a man isn't a man anymore, what's
he got left to live for?
HAWKEYE
Tell me the whole story, Walt.
PAINLESS
There's this native broad works in
the laundry. I don't know if you've
noticed.
HAWKEYE
There's only one worth noticing.
PAINLESS
You noticed. I wasn't going to fool
around over here. I've got these
three girls I'm engaged to back
home...
He indicates three photographs of young women, displayed
with equal prominence. Any one of them could make Miss
America.
PAINLESS
But I had this feeling I ought to
make the effort. To test myself. And
I flunked.
HAWKEYE
What did you have to test, for God's
sake... the dental Don Juan of
Detroit?
PAINLESS
Don Juanism is just a cover... I've
been reading up on it.
(emotionally overcome,
turning away)
I'm a fake, I'm a fraud, I've been
living a lie!
Moved by the intensity of his self-denunciation, Hawkeye
bends down close to Painless, puts a comforting hand on his
shoulder.
HAWKEYE
Painless, you mustn't talk that way.
It's a lot of crap. Cover for what?
PAINLESS
Homosexuality.
Hawkeye straightens abruptly, his hand rising from Painless'
shoulder as from a hot stove.
PAINLESS
Now I know that's been my problem
since I was a kid. But it only caught
up to me last night.
HAWKEYE
You've been drawn to other males?
Since you were a kid?
PAINLESS
No, never in the slightest.
HAWKEYE
Just in dreams?
PAINLESS
Or in dreams either. I repressed it
completely. Classic pattern of
inhibition.
HAWKEYE
That's what you've been doing all
these years with every dame you could
lay your hands on? Repressing your
real self?
PAINLESS
But it's all over now, and I can't
face it. Imagine if you found out
you were one, you wouldn't like
breaking the news to your wife. Well,
I got the same problem multiplied.
HAWKEYE
You don't have any problem. You've
got thirty good years ahead of you,
easy. Maybe you'll have to cut down
as you grow older, get along with
just two fiancees, but...
PAINLESS
No, one thing I finally know for
sure, I'll never function with a
woman again.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. THE SWAMP ? NIGHT
Hawkeye is reporting to Duke and Trapper. Murrhardt and
Bandini are there, as well as Ho-Jon.
HAWKEYE
There ought to be a law against
dentists reading. Matter of fact, I
thought there was. Anyway, this is
an obsession. He can't be persuaded
out of it.
HO-JON
(appearing in doorway)
He's comin' this-a-way! The jaw-
breaker!
DUKE
Y'all just act natural.
HAWKEYE
Get out the scotch, Ho-Jon.
(to the others)
Don't mention the sex thing unless
he brings it up.
A perfunctory knock on the door is immediately followed by
the entrance of Painless.
DUKE
How you, Walt? We was just fixing to
have a nightcap.
TRAPPER
(to Ho-Jon)
Pour one for Painless.
Ho-Jon serves drinks all around. There is a silence as each
of the hosts tries to think of a conversational opening.
PAINLESS
I thought you guys ought to know.
I'm going to commit suicide.
This leads to another silence, broken by Trapper, who doesn't
go so far as to stand up but leans way out from his sack to
grasp the dentist by the hand.
TRAPPER
Miss you, Walt.
DUKE
He said it for us all, Walt.
BANDIDI
How about leaving me your record
player?
HAWKEYE
How do you figure to go? Forty-five
between the eyes?
DUKE
Powerful sloppy.
MURRHARDT
Reliable though.
PAINLESS
That's really what I came here for.
See what you guys recommend.
HAWKEYE
(as in a medical
consultation)
Well, I'm sure my colleagues will
agree there are a number of dependable
measures for extinguishing the vital
forces.
TRAPPER
Black capsule.
HAWKEYE
The black capsule. Finest kind. Thank
you, Dr. McIntyre.
PAINLESS
What is it?
TRAPPER
Easy, pleasant, never-miss ride.
HAWKEYE
In the direction you want to go.
PAINLESS
You guys got any black capsules?
DUKE
For a buddy we got whatever it takes
to stamp out the last spark of life.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. DAGO RED'S TENT ? DAY
The priest is sitting at his desk reading his breviary when
Hawkeye and Trapper enter. Trapper goes over to Red's beer
supply, opens it and distributes three cans while Hawkeye
greets their host.
HAWKEYE
How they goin', Losing Preacher?
What do you hear from the Pope?
DAGO RED
You talked to Walt?
HAWKEYE
He's parted his moorings.
TRAPPER
We're throwing him a Last Supper. We
came to invite you.
HAWKEYE
The Painless Pole plans to cross the
Great Divide tonight and we need
your help to straighten him out.
DAGO RED
What do you want me to do?
HAWKEYE
Put in one of your fixes. Walt knows
he's loused himself with the Church,
but it's part of our plan to make
him think he has the keys to the
kingdom. Which he will think if you
grease the skids for him.
DAGO RED
I don't think I can give absolution
to a man who's about to commit
suicide. It's a mortal sin.
HAWKEYE
What is, Red, the intention or the
act?
DAGO RED
(confused)
I believe it takes both. I'd have to
look it up.
HAWKEYE
Just use common sense. Your job is
preventing sin, and the way to do
that is give him your best Cross
Action.
TRAPPER
Or you can let him knock himself
out. You personally'd be sending him
to his grave.
HAWKEYE
An eternal damnation.
DAGO RED
(feeling cornered)
I don't know. I'm not sure what the
Military Vicar's office would think...
TRAPPER
They sure as hell won't hear about
it from us.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. DENTAL CLINIC ? NIGHT
The poker table, and dental chair have been removed to make
room for two long tables from the Mess Hall. At these a
sumptuous, candlelit, stag banquet is coming to an end. The
guests are doctors, administrative officers, chopper pilots
and enlisted men. Duke is on his feet, raising a glass of
champagne in a toast. (All our male cast except Henry and
Frank)
DUKE
Y'all come here to say a final goodbye
to our old friend Walt. But maybe it
ain't so final. Maybe he's just going
on ahead into the Unknown to do a
little recon job for us all.
During this tribute the guests rise, their eyes on the guest
of honor, who sits with his food untouched, a vacant
expression on his face. When Duke has finished and everyone
has drunk the toast, they applaud and sit down again. Trapper
raps for attention and indicates Hawkeye, who rises.
HAWKEYE
I just got this one thing to say.
Nobody ordered Walt to take on this
mission. He volunteered, for certain
death. That's what we award our
highest medal for. That's what being
a soldier is all about.
Except for Painless himself, the gathering is deeply moved
by this thought, some of them to the point of tears. Again
Trapper restores order.
TRAPPER
Only one man here can add anything
to that.
He looks to Dago Red, who stands up, dressed for the first
time in the priestly vestments he wears for Sunday Mass. He
walks to where Painless sits and there begins the viaticum
(holy communion for those in danger of death).
DAGO RED
Receive, my brother, this food for
your journey...
A coffin, borne into the room by two enlisted men while Red
is still speaking, is lined with blankets, equipped with a
pillow for comfortable reclining prior to the onset of death,
and furnished with mementos of Painless' earthly career: two
fresh decks of cards, a box of poker chips, a fifth of scotch,
some basic dental instruments and the photographs of his
three fiancees. It is set down on the floor next to Painless,
who regards it with the first show of interest he has
manifested during the proceedings.
DAGO RED
(bestowing the sacred
host)
...The body of our Lord Jesus Christ,
that He may guard you from the wicked
enemy and lead you into everlasting
life. Amen.
Red is making the sign of the Cross when Painless' curiosity
asserts itself.
PAINLESS
What the hell's that?
TRAPPER
Coffin. Yours.
PAINLESS
I'm not even dead yet.
HAWKEYE
You're a pretty heavy guy to lug
around. Be a hell of a lot more
convenient for everybody if you got
into the box as soon as you've taken
the capsule.
He produces and opens a small box, inside which, surrounded
by pure white cotton, a black capsule is displayed like a
rare jewel. Dago Red, meanwhile, preferring not to know what
happens from here on, makes his way out.
PAINLESS
(scrutinizing the
capsule)
How do you take it?
DUKE
(appearing at his
side with tumbler of
whiskey)
With whiskey. A good swallow first
and a big one afterwards. Speeds it
into the bloodstream.
Painless takes the tumbler from him with one hand, the capsule
with the other. He downs a good-sized swig of whiskey, then,
with the capsule in front of his face, hesitates.
PAINLESS
You guys sure this'll do the job?
DUKE
We wouldn't give you nothing but the
best.
TRAPPER
We stand behind all our work.
HAWKEYE
You want it straight? Medical history
records no instance of anyone taking
this particular prescription and
surviving.
PAINLESS
Here goes nothing.
He pops the capsule into his mouth and washes it down with a
large drink of whiskey. Hawkeye gestures to the waiting
coffin. Painless gets up and lowers himself into it.
PAINLESS
How much time do I have?
HAWKEYE
Just about enough to say goodbye to
everybody.
(announcing)
Line up over here, men, if you want
to pay your last respects. Keep moving
and file on out when you're through.
PAINLESS
I wonder, if Red's fix swings it for
me, what's heaven really like?
TRAPPER
It's a bedroom where a man is always
at his peak and doesn't have to take
any time outs.
HAWKEYE
And all the angels are built like
Lieutenant Dish.
The Last Supper guests are filing by the coffin, bending low
to shake Painless' hand and murmur words of farewell.
DUKE
Drink up, Walt. One for the glory
road.
He holds the glass to Painless' lips, helps him down the
rest of the whiskey.
TIME LAPSE:
INT. POSTOP WARD ? NIGHT
Hawkeye finishes checking a patient, looks to doorway and
sees lieutenant Dish standing there. He crosses to join her.
HAWKEYE
Thanks for coming, Maria.
(takes her arm and
leads her through
exit)
Sorry it had to be so late.
EXT. MASH COMPOUND ? NIGHT
Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish walk from the Postop Ward.
LIEUTENANT DISH
I couldn't have slept tonight anyhow.
HAWKEYE
You're leaving tomorrow?
LIEUTENANT DISH
In less than twelve hours I'll be on
my way.
HAWKEYE
That's when the real strain starts.
Three weeks on a troopship.
(embraces her)
Poor baby.
LIEUTENANT DISH
(kissing him)
Dear, sweet Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
Though I guess who it'll really be
rough on is your husband.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're on his side all of the sudden?
HAWKEYE
A man would be more considerate. He
wouldn't come home to his wife a
nervous wreck.
LIEUTENANT DISH
How would he avoid it... as if I
needed to ask?
HAWKEYE
It could be a purely impersonal thing.
What matters is the therapeutic value
of relieving your tensions.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You should have been a marriage
counselor.
(drawing his head
closer to hers)
But I'll show you what's wrong with
your theory.
They kiss passionately. Dish is shaken by it and that shows
in her voice when she continues making her point.
LIEUTENANT DISH
Do you think anything between us
could be impersonal? Or pure? You
better forget logic, because you're
proving why I shouldn't go to bed
with you.
HAWKEYE
(after a moment of
massive internal
struggle)
I didn't mean with me.
It takes a couple of seconds for what he has said to penetrate
her consciousness. She looks at him incredulously.
LIEUTENANT DISH
You're asking for somebody else?
HAWKEYE
It happens to be a matter of life
and death.
LIEUTENANT DISH
A