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Call of the Simpsons
Call of the Simpsons Written by John Swartzwelder
Directed by Wesley Archer
Quotes and scene summary
While Homer waters the flowers, Bart (unhappily) mows the lawn with a manual
mower. Todd putters past atop the Flanders' sit-down mower. Bart asks
Homer why they can't have a decent mower, and Homer tells Bart to behappy
with what he has, ``Don't try to keep up with the Flandereses [sic].''
Just then, Ned pulls up in his shiny new RV, and Homer is flabbergasted.
Ned rattles off the features, including the satellite dish on the roof.
How can you afford something like this, Ned? I mean, I get your mail
once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do.
-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
The answer is simple: Credit.
Homer takes the family to ``Bob's RV Round-Up''. The salesman spotseasy
quarry. Homer asks to see their best RV, better than Flanders'. Cowboy
Bob shows them ``The Ultimate Behemoth'', a two-story monster.
Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir?
Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite---the VanStar 1
launched last Feburary.
-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Cowboy Bob ignores Marge's repeated questions as to the Behemoth's price.
Homer: Does it have a deep fryer?
Bob: Four. One for each part of the chicken.
-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Cowboy Bob shows them inside. Fireplace. Giant-screen TV. Full-sized
refrigerator. Crystal chandelier.
Bart: Aye, Carumba!
Lisa: This is better than our house!
-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer finally asks how much it costs. Cowboy Bob lays it on thick and
takes Homer to the credit office. There, he assures Homer that the
credit check is purely a formality, but it's part of the procedure.
``I don't own the place, even though my name's up there. Long story.''
Bob: [running a credit check] [presses `Enter']
[sirens wail and lights flash]
Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
Bob: You ever known a siren to be good?
-- The only good siren is a dead siren, ``Call of the Simpsons''
``That was the computer [...] telling me, sell the vehicle to this fellow
and you're out of business.''
Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range?
I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob.
Bob: Take it easy, willya, huh? You'll ruin this feeling I'm getting
from ya...
-- Shopping for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
He shows them a bucket of bolts that is miraculously still in one piece.
Homer asks, ``Is it used?''
Simpson, you'll never own a better RV, and I don't mean that in a good way.
I mean, literally, buddy. This is for you, you know. It's this or a wagon.
-- Cowboy Bob sells Homer an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Cowboy Bob pulls every slimy tactic in the book to panic Homer into buying
the RV. The rest of the family don't seem too happy by the turn of events.
The RV coughs to a stop in front of the Flanders' house, where Homertakes
the opportunity to gloat. He then turns his attention to his family.
Homer: Everybody ready?
Bart: I hate this. I don't want to go.
Homer: That's the spirit!
-- Going camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Ready or not, Nature, here we come!
-- Homer takes the family camping, ``Call of the Simpsons''
The RV (packed to the gills) putters down the street.
Traffic has backed up behind the slow-moving RV.
Bart: Turkey farm? Skunks? Slaughterhouse?
Lisa: No. No. No.
Marge: What are you kids doing?
Lisa: We're playing ``Name that Odor''.
Bart: Dad's feet?
Homer: Bart!
Lisa: You win, Bart.
Homer: Lisa!
-- Games to play in the car, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Bart whines, ``Are we there yet?'' Homer replies, ``Go back to your smell
game.''
The RV makes a turn off the main road, and it wanders through the woods.
Marge consults her map.
Marge: Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate.
Homer: Pffffft. Maps.
-- Marge the navigator noties something amiss, as the RV drives through the
woods, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions?
-- Marge the navigator, as Homer drives the RV through the woods,
``Call of the Simpsons''
``Don't worry, this is an all-terrain vehicle!'' Homer tests the hypothesis
by driving into a lake. Marge's feet get wet.
Lisa: Mom, I'm scared.
Marge: Don't worry. We all are.
-- Safety in numbers, ``Call of the Simpsons''
The RV returns to dry land, and Homer throws the RV into high gear.
(Amazing! It has more than one gear!) The RV crashes through bushes.
Homer asks, ``Whaddya think, should we stop here?'' Everybody yells,
``YEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!'' Homer slams on the brakes. Curious, the horizon
is nowhere to be seen through the front window. The RV tips forward:
It's balanced precariously on the edge of a cliff. Everyone screams.
And screams. And screams some more.
Homer: [speaking softly and slowly]
When I give the word, everyone ever-so-slowly open the door
and slide out. On the count of three... One...
SoundFX: (*rustle*) (*rustle*) (*slam*) (*slam*) (*slam*)
Homer: [turns around: Everyone has already left]
-- Taking charge in a crisis, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer slips out just before the RV tips over the edge, fallllllllllllls,
and explodes.
Lisa: [glumly] The Simpsons have entered the forest.
-- But will the forest survive? ``Call of the Simpsons''
[End of Act One. Time: 7:09]
Homer tries to put a good face on things.
Homer: Yes sir! This is a real adventure! Why, I bet there are people who
would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like
this.
Bart: You mean like <we> just did?
-- The Simpsons have entered the forest, sans RV, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Trying to cheer up Maggie, Lisa points up into the sky. ``Look, Maggie.
Birdies!'' Vultures circle overhead.
Marge: Oh Homer... What are we going to do?
Homer: Now, don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems.
And you're forgetting---I'm an experienced woodsman!
Now, you all stay here for a minute while I go over this way to
try to get my bearings.
[walks away fifteen meters]
[sits down]
What am I going to do!? I've murdered us all!
Echo: I've murdered us all! ... murdered us all!
Homer: Shut up!
Echo: Shut up! ... Shut up!
Homer: D'oh!
Echo: D'oh! ... D'oh!
-- Echo Canyon, ``Call of the Simpsons''
That evening, Homer ``finishes'' building some sort of shelter-like thing
out of twigs and a fallen log. Not very impressive.
Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points towards
the North Star.
Homer: Heh heh, that's nice, Lisa. But we're not in astronomy class.
We're in the woods.
-- ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer and Bart leave to get help. Maggie follows. Lisa wonders if it's
okay to let Maggie go with them; Marge (sweeping the area clear witha
twig-rake) says they'll be back soon. ``She's in good hands.'' Vultures
circle overhead.
Homer and Bart walk through the woods. Homer tells Bart that animals can
sense fear, so don't be afraid. Maggie, following behind, sucks her
pacifier. Homer mistakes the sound for a rattlesnake and panics. Bart
says to himself, ``I'm not afraid... I'm not afraid.'' Homer corrects him.
``Run, you fool!'' The two vanish into the distance.
Homer and Bart run out of breath, and Homer declares that they are only
steps away from civilization.
When you're an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things.
It's like a third sense.
-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons''
They step through the bushes---and fall off a cliff, landing in the river
below. Then go over a waterfall.
Back at the campsite, Marge and Lisa continue cleaning, and they seem to
have done a superb job of making the area liveable. (Marge arrangessome
pine cones atop a mantle, and arranges three squirrels neatly atop alog.)
Marge notes that the boys have been gone for quite a while. ``I hope
Maggie isn't slowing them up.''
Maggie, wandering along, encounters a ferocious bear. So she reaches into
her baggie and sticks a pacifier in its mouth. The pacifier lives up to
its name.
Homer sufaces at the bottom of the falls, and sees Bart's lucky red hat
floating past. He fears the worst, searches for Bart, and swims ashore
bemoaning the loss of his son. A voice calls from across the lake.
``Don't have a cow, Dad.'' ``What the... D'oh! You're alive! And,heh
heh, buck naked.'' In fact, so also is Homer.
The bear carries Maggie back to its lair, where the other bears roar
ferociously. But the first bear motions the others to stop.
Homer helps Bart dress himself in ferns, mud, and moss. Bart is hungry,
so Homer bends a sapling into a trap.
What are we going to do, hang ourselves?
-- Bart watches Homer build a trap out of a young sapling,
``Call of the Simpsons''
The two hide and wait. Soon, a bunny rabbit hops by and springs the trap.
The tree propels the poor rodent far, far, far, far away. On to Plan B.
I'll go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out
a rabbit. When he comes out, you step on him.
-- Homer instructs Bart on his role in catching dinner,
``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer goes into a bush, and is promptly attacked by a chipmunk, a rabbit,
a raccoon, and a snake. Homer rolls around frantically. Bart watches.
A man, a woman, and their baby sit by a tent. The man is somewhat miffed
that they haven't seen even one squirrel, but his wife reminds him that
the ranger warned them to watch out for bears. A bear watches. Theman
can't take the warning seriously and calls out, ``Hello, bears!'' inviting
them to come attack him. ``All right, all right, you made your point.''
While the wife burps the baby, the bear sneaks up from behind and takes
the bottle of formula.
The bear brings the bottle to Maggie, who removes her pacifier and starts
drinking the bottle. Meanwhile, the bears bring Maggie all sorts ofbaby
toys, and a lantern. The bears sit around Maggie, as the cave glowsin
the darkness.
Marge and Lisa sit in front of a fire. Lisa wonders if the boys areokay,
but Marge reassures her. After all, they built a fire without knowing a
thing about Nature. Imagine what Homer, an experienced woodsman, could do.
The two go to sleep.
Homer and Bart lie, shivering, on the ground.
(Many are cold, but few are frozen.) (Sorry, a tag I never got to use.)
Maggie pulls a bear's paw over her as a blanket.
The next morning, Homer and Bart continue through the woods.
Are we there yet?
-- Bart wanders with Homer aimlessly through the woods,
``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer spots a beehive. ``Honey! We're saved!'' He sticks his fist into
the hive and sticks a handful of honey (and bees) into his mouth.
Tangy.
-- Homer eats a mouthful of honey---and bees, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer (his voice muffled because his mouth is filled with honey and bees)
yells for water, and Bart points him ``that-a-way, man.''
Homer dives into a muddy stream and emerges a mud-covered beast. His
appearance is captured on videotape by a nearby nature-lover, who runs
away in panic.
News bulletin. Bigfoot has been spotted. The videotape is shown.
Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was
impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language,
and most of all, its indescribable stench.
-- Newscaster reports that Bigfoot (Homer) has been sighted,
``Call of the Simpsons''
(Foul language?) The ``Springfield Weekly'' tabloid has offered a $5000
reward for the capture of Bigfoot.
We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.
-- Newscaster interrupts to report Bigfoot sighting, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer and Bart sit, glum, on a log.
[End of Act Two. Time: 15:57]
The campground has turned into a media circus. The ranger notes that Marge
and Lisa were lucky to be found---before Bigfoot got them. He showsMarge
the newspaper headline and photo. Says Marge, ``Why, that's my husband!''
A new headline: ``I married Bigfoot.'' Marge is surrounded by reporters.
``His name isn't Bigfoot. His name is Homer.'' Another headline:
``Bigfoot's wife pleads: `Call him Homer!' ''. ``What does it eat?'' asks
a reporter. Marge doesn't understand the commotion, but answers the
question anyway. Next headline: ``The Bigfoot Diet: `Pork Chops Aplenty' ''.
Bears loom menacingly, and a TV reporter tells his gopher to get ridof them.
No bears. We're taping! All bears off the set!
-- ``Call of the Simpsons''
No one seems to notice that Maggie is riding atop one of the bears.
The TV reporter interviews Marge, and asks her what their marriage is like.
Bart and Homer lumber through the forest. (Homer is still covered in mud.)
Bart: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
-- Wandering aimlessly through the forest, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer smells food, and he and Bart follow the scent, eyes closed, into
the bears' lair. They back away slowly (``Nice grizzlies...'') and are
surprised when Maggie waves the bears off. Maggie leaves with Bart and
Homer.
Later, grizzly dudes.
-- Bart bids farewell to a pack of bears, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Maggie turns around and waves good-bye to her friends. One bear still
sucks on a pacifier.
As the trio near civilization, one person shouts, ``It's him! It's
Bigfoot!'' Homer is quickly subdued by a crowd of people. The ranger
tells Bart they saved him just in time.
What the hell are you talking about, sir?
-- Bart, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer breaks free and runs off. They shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.
Bart rushes to his fallen father's side.
Avenge me, son. Avenge my death... ZZZZzzzzzz...
-- Homer (Bigfoot) is hit with a tranquilizer dart, ``Call of the Simpsons''
On television, the reporter explains that scientists from around the world
are gathered at the Springfield Primate Institute to study the creature,
and are soon to announce their findings.
Dr. Marvin Monroe: After extensive biological and anatomical testing,
I regret to announce that our findings are... inconclusive.
This thing may or may not be human.
German scientist: Dat's what he tinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot
himself.
French scientist: Oh, no, I disagree. I think it is a man.
The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence.
-- On the capture of Bigfoot (Homer), ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer and Marge watch the news report in bed.
Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go.
-- Marge, after Homer is captured and believed to be Bigfoot,
``Call of the Simpsons''
This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast.
-- German scientist who examined Homer/Bigfoot, ``Call of the Simpsons''
Homer turns off the set, depressed. Marge smiles and kisses Homer
good-night. ``My brilliant beast.''
[End of Act Three. Time: 20:17]
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