The Secret of Success

At the insistence of a reporter a wealthy man finally decided to reveal the secret of his success. “I first became rich selling homing pigeons,” he explained.

“Really?” replied the amazed reporter. “How many did you start with?”

“Only one,” the millionaire answered, “but he kept coming back.”

　

I'm Using My Pencil

Over the doctor's telephone came a call from a man who said that his small son had swallowed his pen. The doctor said, “I'll come at one, What are you doing in the meantime?”

“I'm using my pencil,” the man answered.

　

On a Bus

There were many people in the bus and no vacant seats. When a woman entered, an old man near the door attempted to rise, but she forced him back into his seat. “Thank you,” she said, “but please don't do that. I am perfectly able to stand.”

“But, madam, let me…” began the man.

“I ask you to keep your seat,” interrupted the woman with the hands on his shoulders.

But the man tried to rise, saying: “Madam, will you kindly permit me to…”

“No, no,” said the woman and again forced him back.

At last the man managed to get up, saying; “Madam, you carried me three blocks beyond my house. I wanted to get off.”

　

Here Is Another

When quite young, Webster did not always obey the rules at school. One day the teacher caught him breaking a rule and asked him to come forward to be punished. In that school, striking the open hand with a ruler was the punishment. Webster's hands happened to be very dirty. On the way to the teacher's desk he hid his hands behind his back.

“Give me your hand,” demanded the teacher.

Out went the right hand.

“Webster, if you will find another hand in the schoolroom as dirty as that, I will let you go.” Instantly from Webster's back came the left hand. “Here is another, sir,” he replied.

“That will do.” said the teacher, laughing. “You may go.”

　

You Are Wrong

A man who had been going out with a young woman came to call on her one night carrying a little box in his pocket. At what he judged to be the right time, he pulled out the box, opened it and showed his beloved an engagement ring with her name engraved inside. “I want you to be my wife,” he said.

“I don't know how to tell you this,” she replied, “but I loved another.”

“Tell me his name!” the suitor demanded.

“No, no,” she shouted. “Do you want a fight?”

“No,” shouted back the man. “I just want to sell him this ring.”

　

At Night

When the Americans were getting ready to send their first men to the moon, an old Irishman was watching them on television in the bar of a hotel.

There was an Englishman in the bar, too, and he said to the Irishman, “The Americans are very clever, aren't they? They are going to send some men to the moon. It is a long way from our world.”

“Oh, that's nothing,” the Irishman answered quickly.

“The Irish are going to send some men to the sun in a few months' time. That's much farther away from the moon, you know.”

“Oh, yes, it is,” he said, “but the sun is too hot for the people to go to.”

The Irishman laughed and said, “Well, the Irish aren't stupid, you know. We won't go to the sun during the day, of course. We will go there during the night.”

　

I Must Find It

Mr. Morrow was a very absent-minded man. Once he was reading earnestly on a train when the conductor asked him to show his ticket. Frantically Mr. Morrow searched for it.

“Never mind, Mr. Morrow,” the conductor said. “When you find it, mail it to the company. I'm certain you have it.”

“I know I have it,” answered Mr. Morrow. “But what I want to know is, where in the world an I going?”

　

A Silly Professor

A professor tried to train his donkey to get along without eating, by gradually cutting down on his food. When the animal dropped dead of starvation, he said, “An irreplaceable loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he suddenly died.”

　

A Clever Answer

Dad: Do you know why I am going to punish you, Bob?

Bob: No, dad.

Dad: One should always be kind to the younger, but this morning you threw little Jim's hat into the pool.

Bob: Yes, I know I was wrong, Dad. But am I much younger than you?

　

A Faithful Pupil

“Flowers need water,” said the teacher. “Water your flowers every day, or they'll die.”

One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, “What are you doing there, Marry?”

“Watering flowers,” said Marry.

“But it is raining now!”

“Oh, it doesn't matter. Mum. I have an umbrella!”

　

a Silly Servant

A servant broke a cup. His master was very angry and asked, “How did you break it?”

“Do you really want to know?” the servant picked up another cup and threw it onto the ground, “I broke it like this.”

　

Happiness

Judge: Now I see that apart from money, you stole watches, rings and necklaces.

Defendant: yes, sir. But I heard that money alone does not bring happiness.

　

You Get Zero

During a Christmas exam, one of the questions was: “What causes a depression?” One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don't. Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof's notation: “God gets 100! You get zero! Happy New Year!”

　

I Am a Barber

She: how many times do you shave a day?

He: oh, forty or fifty times.

She: Are you crazy?

He: No, I am a barber.

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