Annie
Hall (1977)
by Woody Allen, Marshall Brickman.
Draft script. "Oscar".
(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)
FADE IN:
White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.
FADE OUT: credits
FADE IN:
Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He
wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.
ALVY
There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly
women are at a Catskills mountain
resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the
food at this place is really terrible."
The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and
such ... small portions." Well, that's
essentially how I feel about life. Full
of loneliness and misery and suffering
and unhappiness, and it's all over much
too quickly. The-the other important
joke for me is one that's, uh, usually
attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think
it appears originally in Freud's wit and
its relation to the unconscious. And it
goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...
"I would never wanna belong to any club
that would have someone like me for a
member." That's the key joke of my adult
life in terms of my relationships with
women. Tsch, you know, lately the
strangest things have been going
through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,
tsch, and I guess I'm going through a
life crisis or something, I don't know.
I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.
I'm not one o' those characters, you know.
Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's
about the worst you can say about me. I,
uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get
older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the-
the balding virile type, you know, as
opposed to say the, uh, distinguished
gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm
neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'
those guys with saliva dribbling out of
his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria
with a shopping bag screaming about
socialism.
(Sighing)
Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't
get my mind around that. You know, I-I
keep sifting the pieces of the relationship
through my mind and-and examining my life
and tryin' to figure out where did the
screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we
were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and
... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a
morose type. I'm not a depressive character.
I-I-I, uh,
(Laughing)
you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,
I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War II.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY
Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned,
cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a
cigarette and listening.
MOTHER
(To the doctor)
He's been depressed. All off a sudden,
he can't do anything.
DOCTOR
(Nodding)
Why are you depressed, Alvy?
MOTHER
(Nudging Alvy)
Tell Dr. Flicker.
(Young Alvy sits, his head down. His
mother answers for him)
It's something he read.
DOCTOR
(Puffing on his cigarette and
nodding)
Something he read, huh?
ALVY
(His head still down)
The universe is expanding.
DOCTOR
The universe is expanding?
ALVY
(Looking up at the doctor)
Well, the universe is everything, and if
it's expanding, someday it will break apart
and that would be the end of everything!
Disgusted, his mother looks at him.
MOTHER
(shouting)
What is that your business?
(she turns back to the doctor)
He stopped doing his homework.
ALVY
What's the point?
MOTHER
(Excited, gesturing with her hands)
What has the universe got to do with it?
You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not
expanding!
DOCTOR
(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)
It won't be expanding for billions of years
yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy
ourselves while we're here. Uh?
He laughs.
CUT TO:
Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.
A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window
of the house a band shakes a dust mop.
ALVY'S VOICE
My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood
memories, but I swear I was brought up
underneath the roller-
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE
Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while
his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every
move of the roller coaster.
ALVY'S VOICE
-coaster in the Coney Island section of
Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my
personality, which is a little nervous, I
think.
CUT TO:
Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men
representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman
in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The
girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the
concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller
coaster is moving in full gear in the background.
ALVY'S VOICE
You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.
My mind tends to jump around a little, and
have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
CUT TO:
Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other
as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.
ALVY'S VOICE
My father ran the bumper-car concession.
(Alvy as a child moves into the frame
driving a bumper car. He stops as other
cars bombard him. His father continues
to direct the traffic)
There-there he is and there I am. But I-I-I-I
used to get my aggression out through those
cars all the time.
Alvy backs up his car off screen.
INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY
The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the
blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.
While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.
- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.
ALVY'S VOICE
I remember the staff at our public
school. You know, we had a saying, uh,
that "Those who can't do, teach, and
those who can't teach, teach gym." And
...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't
do anything, I think, were assigned to
our school. I must say-
CUT TO:
A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The
blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans
her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy
as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;
there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.
ALVY'S VOICE
I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.
Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little
face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss
Perfect all the time. And-and Ivan
Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.
Ivan stands up behind his desk.
IVAN
Seven and three is nine.
Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him,
reacting.
ALVY'S VOICE
Even then I knew they were just jerks.
(The camera moves back to the teacher,
who is glaring out at her students)
In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-
As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.
She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to
his seat.
1ST GIRL
(Making noises)
Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.
TEACHER
(Off screen)
That's the second time this month! Step
up here!
As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves
over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their
heads to watch what will happen next.
ALVY
What'd I do?
TEACHER
Step up here!
ALVY
What'd I do?
TEACHER
You should be ashamed of yourself.
The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult,
sitting in the last seat of the second row.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(First off screen, then onscreen as
camera moves over to the back of the
classroom)
Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual
curiosity.
TEACHER
(The younger, Alvy standing next to her)
Six-year-old boys don't have girls on
their minds.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(Still sitting in the back of
the classroom)
I did.
The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and
speaks.
1ST GIRL
For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks
of a latency period.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(Gesturing)
Well, I never had a latency period. I
can't help it.
TEACHER
(With young, Alvy still at her side)
Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?
(The camera pans over to Donald,
sitting up tall in his seat, then
back to the teacher)
Now, there was a model boy!
ALVY (AS CHILD)
(Still standing next to the teacher)
Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.
DONALD
I run a profitable dress company.
ALVY'S VOICE
Right. Sometimes I wonder where my
classmates are today.
The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks,
the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time, the young
students rise u from their desks and speak.
1ST BOY
I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
2ND BOY
I sell tallises.
3RD BOY
I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a
methadone addict.
2ND GIRL
I'm into leather.
INT. ROOM
Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show. He sits next
to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right. Static is heard
throughout the dialogue.
ALVY
I lost track of most of my old schoolmates,
but I wound up a comedian. They did not take
me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly
enough, I was-I was four-P.
Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.
DICK CAVETT
Four-P?
ALVY
Yes. In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a
hostage.
More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.
INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP
Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and
talking as she looks off screen.
MOTHER
You always only saw the worst in people.
You never could get along with anyone at
school. You were always outta step with the
world. Even when you got famous, you still
distrusted the world.'
EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY
A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people
mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried. The screen
shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk
beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in
the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally,
as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move
past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.
ALVY
I distinctly heard it. He muttered under
his breath, "Jew."
ROB
You're crazy!
ALVY
No, I'm not. We were walking off the
tennis court, and you know, he was there
and me and his wife, and he looked at her
and then they both looked at me, and under
his breath he said, "Jew."
ROB
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
ALVY
Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on
those kind o' things. You know, I was
having lunch with some guys from NBC, so
I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"
and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"
Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not
did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?
Jew eat?
ROB
Ah, Max, you, uh ...
ALVY
Stop calling me Max.
ROB
Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max,
you see conspiracies in everything.
ALVY
No, I don't! You know, I was in a record
store. Listen to this -so I know there's
this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and
he's lookin' at me in a funny way and
smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a
sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,
Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin'
to tell me very significantly Wagner.
ROB
Right, Max. California, Max.
ALVY
Ah.
ROB
Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.
ALVY
Forget it, Max.
ROB
-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business
is out there, Max.
ALVY
No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but
I don't wanna live in a city where the only
cultural advantage is that you can make a
right turn on a red light.
ROB
(Checking his watch)
Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be
late for meeting Annie?
ALVY
I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.
I think I have a few minutes left. Right?
EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY
Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him
just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking,
can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather
jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him,
then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy
again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare.
Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man.
The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.
1ST MAN
Hey, you on television?
ALVY
(Nodding his head)
No. Yeah, once in a while. You know,
like occasionally.
1ST MAN
What's your name?
ALVY
(Clearing his throat)
You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.
What's the difference?
1ST MAN
You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny
Carson, right?
ALVY
Once in a while, you know. I mean, you
know, every now-
1ST MAN
What's your name?
Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people
move through the doors of the theater.
ALVY
(Nervously)
I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.
1ST MAN
(Laughing)
Come on.
ALVY
Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks
very much ... for everything.
They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his
shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and
calls out. Alvy looks impatient.
1ST MAN
Hey!
2ND MAN
(Off screen)
What?
1ST MAN
This is Alvy Singer!
ALVY
Fellas ... you know-Jesus! Come on!
1ST MAN
(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy)
This guy's on television! Alvy
Singer, right? Am I right?
ALVY
(Overlapping 1st man)
Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.
Jesus Christ!
1ST MAN
(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations)
This guy's on television.
ALVY
I need a large polo mallet!
2ND MAN
(Moving into the screen)
Who's on television?
1ST MAN
This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.
ALVY
(Annoyed)
Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the
teamsters? You know.. .
2ND MAN
(Also ignoring Alvy)
What program?
1ST MAN
(Holding out a matchbook)
Can I have your autograph?
ALVY
You don't want my autograph.
1ST MAN
(Overlapping, Alvy's speech)
Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.
Make it out to Ralph.
ALVY
(Taking the matchbook and pen and
writing)
Your girl friend's name is Ralph?
1ST MAN
It's for my brudder.
(To passersby)
Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-
2ND MAN
(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech)
You really Alvy Singer, the ... the
TV star?
Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the
sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.
1ST MAN
-Singer!
2ND MAN
Alvy Singer over here!
A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over to it about
to get in.
ALVY
(Overlapping the two men and
stuttering)
I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.
(As Alvy opens the cab door, the
two men still behind him, Annie
gets out)
Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of
the Panama Canal?
ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy)
Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?
Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of
the theater as they continue to talk.
ALVY
Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of
"The Godfather."
ANNIE
You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.
ALVY
Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named
Cheech!
ANNIE
Okay.
(They move into the ticket line,
still talking. A billboard next to
them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE
TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN")
Please, I have a headache, all right?
ALVY
Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you-
you must be getting your period.
ANNIE
I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every
time anything out of the ordinary happens,
you think that I'm getting my period!
They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets
and walking off screen.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
A li-little louder. I think one of them
may have missed it!
(To the ticket clerk)
H'm, has the picture started yet?
TICKET CLERK
It started two minutes ago.
ALVY
(Hitting his hand on the counter)
That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go in.
ANNIE
Two minutes, Alvy.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie)
No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We-we've
blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I
can't go in in the middle.
ANNIE
In the middle?
(Alvy nods his head yes and let's
out an exasperated sigh)
We'll only miss the titles. They're in
Swedish.
ALVY
You wanna get coffee for two hours or
something? We'll go next-
ANNIE
Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
She moves past the ticket clerk.
ALVY
(Waving to Annie)
Go ahead. Good-bye.
Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.
ANNIE
Look, while we're talking we could be
inside, you know that?
ALVY
(Watching people with tickets move
past them)
Hey, can we not stand here and argue in
front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.
ANNIE
Alright. All right, all right, so whatta
you wanna do?
ALVY
I don't know now. You-you wanna go to
another movie?
(Annie nods her head and shrugs
her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy,
gesturing with his band, looks at
her)
So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
ANNIE
Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in
the mood to see a four-hour documentary
on Nazis.
ALVY
Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've
gotta see a picture exactly from the start
to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.
ANNIE
(Laughing now)
H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.
INT. THEATER LOBBY.
A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and
Annie among them. A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing
scene.
MAN IN LINE
(Loudly to his companion right
behind Alvy and Annie)
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best. It lacks a
cohesive structure. You know, you get
the feeling that he's not absolutely sure
what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've
always felt he was essentially a-a technical
film maker. Granted, La Strada was a great
film. Great in its use of negative energy
more than anything else. But that simple
cohesive core ...
Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie
begins to read her newspaper.
ALVY
(Overlapping the man's speech)
I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.
ANNIE
(Reading)
Well, stop listening to him.
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping Alvy and Annie)
You know, it must need to have had its
leading from one thought to another.
You know what I'm talking about?
ALVY
(Sighing)
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
MAN IN LINE
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or
Satyricon, I found it incredibly ...
indulgent. You know, he really is. He's
one of the most indulgent film makers. He
really is-
ALVY
(Overlapping)
Key word here is "indulgent."
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping)
-without getting ... well, let's put it
this way ...
ALVY
(To Annie, who is still reading,
overlapping the man in line who is
still talking)
What are you depressed about?
ANNIE
I missed my therapy. I overslept.
ALVY
How can you possibly oversleep?
ANNIE
The alarm clock.
ALVY
(Gasping)
You know what a hostile gesture that is
to me?
ANNIE
I know-because of our sexual problem,
right?
ALVY
Hey, you ... everybody in line at the
New Yorker has to know our rate of
intercourse?
MAN IN LINE
- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-
I admire the technique but he doesn't ...
he doesn't hit me on a gut level.
ALVY
(To Annie)
I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.
The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.
ANNIE
Stop it, Alvy!
ALVY
(Wringing his hands)
Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know,
he's spitting on my neck when he talks.
MAN IN LINE
And then, the most important thing of all
is a comedian's vision.
ANNIE
And you know something else? You know,
you're so egocentric that if I miss my
therapy you can think of it in terms of
how it affects you!
MAN IN LINE
(Lighting a cigarette while he talks)
Gal gun-shy is what it is.
ALVY
(Reacting again to the man in line)
Probably on their first date, right?
MAN IN LINE
(Still going on)
It's a narrow view.
ALVY
Probably met by answering an ad in the
New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish
academic wishes to meet woman who's
interested in Mozart, James Joyce and
sodomy."
(He sighs; then to Annie)
Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?
ANNIE
Oh!
ALVY
I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal
for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
ANNIE
Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem!
Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?
The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.
ALVY
I never read that. That was-that was
Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the
sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...
MAN IN LINE
(Even louder now)
It's the influence of television. Yeah,
now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms
of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity,
you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed
to a ...
ALVY
(More and more aggravated)
What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'
horse manure.
MAN IN LINE
... as opposed to a print ...
Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the
camera.
ALVY
(Sighing and addressing the audience)
What do you do when you get stuck in a movie
line with a guy like this behind you? I mean,
it's just maddening!
The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.
MAN IN LINE
Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country!
ALVY
I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta
give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed
to pontificate like that? And-and the funny
part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't
know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping)
Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to
teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media
and Culture"! So I think that my insights
into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of
validity.
ALVY
Oh, do yuh?
MAN IN LINE
Yes.
ALVY
Well, that's funny, because I happen to
have Mr. McLuhan right here. So ... so,
here, just let me-I mean, all right. Come
over here ... a second.
Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back
of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and
pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.
MAN IN LINE
Oh.
ALVY
(To McLuban)
Tell him.
MCLUHAN
(To the man in line)
I hear-I heard what you were saying.
You-you know nothing of my work. You
mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you
ever got to teach a course in anything is
totally amazing.
ALVY
(To the camera)
Boy, if life were only like this!
INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.
Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.
THE SORROW AND THE PITY
CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972
MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969
Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation
NARRATOR'S VOICE
(Over credits and soldiers)
June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the
German army occupies Paris. All over
the country, people are desperate for
every available scrap of news.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT
Annie is sitting up in bed reading.
ALVY
(Off screen)
Boy, those guys in the French Resistance
were really brave, you know? Got to listen
to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
ANNIE
M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.
ALVY
(Off screen)
You? You kiddin'?
(He moves into the frame, lying across
the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a
face)
If the Gestapo would take away your
Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em
everything.
ANNIE
That movie makes me feel guilty.
ALVY
Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.
He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.
ANNIE
Alvy, I ...
ALVY
What-what-what-what's the matter?
ANNIE
I-you know, I don't wanna.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie, reacting)
What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!
We're sleeping in a bed together. You
know, it's been a long time.
ANNIE
I know, well, it's just that-you know, I
mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night,
so I have to rest my voice.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie again)
It's always some kind of an excuse. It's-
You know, you used to think that I was
very sexy. What ... When we first started
going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-
we're probably listed in the Guinness Book
of World Records.
ANNIE
(Patting Alvy's band solicitously)
I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll
pass, it's just that I'm going through a
phase, that's all.
ALVY
M'm.
ANNIE
I mean, you've been married before, you
know how things can get. You were very
hot for Allison at first.
CUT TO:
INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.
Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various
people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.
Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds
of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally,
interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison
stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.
ALLISON
(Looking down at the clipboard)
Ma'am, you're on right after this man ...
about twenty minutes, something like that.
WOMAN
Oh, thank you.
Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she
turns to face him.
ALVY
(Coughing)
Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?
ALLISON
(Looking down at the clipboard)
Who are you?
ALVY
Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.
ALLISON
Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're
on next.
ALVY
(Rubbing his hands together
nervously)
What do you mean, next?
ALLISON
(Laughing)
Uh ... I mean you're on right after
this act.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
No, it can't be, because he's a comic.
ALLISON
Yes.
ALVY
So what are you telling me, you're
putting on two comics in a row?
ALLISON
Why not?
ALVY
No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't
... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.
ALLISON
It's okay.
ALVY
No, because they're-they're laughing, so
(He starts laughing nervously)
I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind,
I prefer-
ALLISON
(Overlapping)
Will you relax, please? They're gonna
love you, I know.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
I prefer not to, because ... look,
they're laughing at him. See, so what
are yuh telling me-
They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.
ALLISON
(Overlapping)
Yes.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...
They're gonna laugh at him for a couple
minutes, then I gotta go out there, I
gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can
they laugh?
(Off screen)
They-they they're laughed out.
ALLISON
(Off screen)
Do you feel all right?
As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of
view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai
Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in
clusters around the room.
The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging
his hands nervously.
COMEDIAN
(Off screen, onstage)
You know ...
Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.
ALVY
(Above the chatter around him)
Look, what's your-what's your name?
COMEDIAN
(Off screen)
... General Eisenhower is not ...
ALLISON
(Looking out at the stage)
Allison.
ALVY
Yeah? Allison what?
ALLISON
(Still looking off screen)
Portchnik.
COMEDIAN
... a group from the ...
ALVY
(Coughing)
Thank you. I-I don't know why they would
have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...
(He clears his throat)
Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political
comedian at all.
The audience starts to laugh.
ALVY
I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...
a woman in the Eisenhower Administration
... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to
me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I
was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what
Eisenhower has been doing to the country
for the last eight years.
The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.
Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;
a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits
on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.
ALVY
H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with
this, because it-I can't get it off my
mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!
ALLISON
Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need
your attention.
Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,
gesturing with his hands.
ALVY
It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository and the
police said conclusively that it was an
exit wound. So-how is it possible for
Oswald to have fired from two angles at
once? It doesn't make sense.
ALLISON
Alvy.
Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his
fingers and starts walking again.
ALVY
I'll tell you this! He was not marksman
enough to hit a moving target at that
range. But ...
(Clears his throat)
if there was a second assassin ... it-
That's it!
Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up
from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.
ALLISON
We've been through this.
ALVY
If they-they recovered the shells from
that rifle.
ALLISON
(Moving back to the bed and
lighting a cigarette)
Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,
now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren
Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?
ALVY
Well, why not?
ALLISON
Yeah, Earl Warren?
ALVY
(Moving toward the bed)
Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.
ALLISON
Lyndon Johnson?
ALVY
(Propping one knee on the bed
and gesturing)
L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a
politician. You know the ethics those
guys have? It's like-uh, a notch
underneath child molester.
ALLISON
Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?
ALVY
(Nodding his head)
Tsch.
ALLISON
The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar
Hoover and oil companies and the
Pentagon and the men's-room attendant
at the White House?
Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking
again.
ALVY
I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room
attendant.
ALLISON
You're using this conspiracy theory as
an excuse to avoid sex with me.
ALVY
Oh, my God!
(Then, to the camera)
She's right! Why did I turn off Allison
Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She
was willing. She was real ... intelligent.
(Sighing)
Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that
I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that
would have someone like me for a member?
EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY
Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach
house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the
house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters
crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of
groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.
ANNIE
Alvy, now don't panic. Please.
ALVY
Look, I told you it was a ... mistake
to ever bring a live thing in the house.
ANNIE
Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.
The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden
paddle, tries to shove them onto it.
ALVY
Well, maybe we should just call the police.
Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.
ANNIE
Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for
God's sake.
ALVY
If they're only babies, then you pick
'em up.
ANNIE
Oh, all right. All right! It's all
right. Here.
She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,
she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.
ALVY
Don't give it to me. Don't!
ANNIE
(Hysterically)
Oooh! Here! Here!
ALVY
(Pointing)
Look! Look, one crawled behind the
refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed
at night.
(They move over to the refrigerator;
Alvy moves as close to the wall as
possible as Annie, covering her mouth
and laughing hysterically, teasingly
dangles a lobster in front of him)
Will you get outta here with that thing?
Jesus!
ANNIE
(Laughing, to the lobster)
Get him!
ALVY
(Laughing)
Talk to him. You speak shellfish!
(He moves over to the stove and
takes the lid of a large steamer
filled with boiling water)
Hey, look ... put it in the pot.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I
can't put a live thing in hot water.
ALVY
(Overlapping)
Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's
he think we're gonna do, take him to the
movies?
Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it
gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.
ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)
Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now
he'll think-
(She screams)
Aaaah! Okay.
ALVY
(Overlapping Annie)
Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!
ANNIE
All right. All right. All right.
She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,
she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to
push it from the wall.
ALVY
Annie, there's a big lobster behind
the refrigerator. I can't get it out.
This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a
little dish of butter sauce here with a
nutcracker, it will run out the other
side, you know what I mean?
ANNIE
(Overlapping)
Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna
get my camera.
ALVY
You know, I-I think ... if I could pry
this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks
'cause they don't have legs. They don't
run around.
Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.
Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the
chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.
Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.
ANNIE
Great! Great!
(Screaming)
Goddammit!
(Screaming)
Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this
lobster up. Hold it, please!
ALVY
All right! All right! All right! All
right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna
take pictures now?
ANNIE
It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll
be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!
ALVY
(Picking up the lobster Annie
placed on the counter earlier)
All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!
Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and
making a face.
ANNIE
Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please,
one more picture.
(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the
lobster again as Annie takes
another picture)
Oh, oh, good, good!
EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.
The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.
ALVY
So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.
W-what ...
(He clears his throat)
Am I your first big romance?
ANNIE
Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.
ALVY
Well, then, w-who was?
ANNIE
Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis,
from Chippewa Falls High School.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT
Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.
He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the
frame. They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.
ALVY'S VOICE
(Off screen)
Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid
probably, would meetcha in front of the
movie house on Saturday night.
ANNIE'S VOICE
Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked
like then.
ALVY'S VOICE
(Off screen, laughing)
Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the
wife of an astronaut.
ANNIE'S VOICE
Then there was Jerry, the actor.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT
The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band
down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger
Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.
ALVY'S VOICE
(Laughing)
Look at you, you-you,-re such a clown.
ANNIE'S VOICE
I look pretty.
ALVY'S VOICE
Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but
that guy with you ...
JERRY
Acting is like an exploration of the soul.
I-it's very religious. Uh, like, uh, a
kind of liberating consciousness. It's
like a visual poem.
ALVY
(Laughing)
Is he kidding with that crap?
YOUNGER ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I
know exactly what you mean, when you
say "religious."
ALVY
(Incredulous, to Annie)
You do?
ANNIE
(Still watching)
Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.
ALVY
Hey, that was last year.
JERRY
It's like when I think of dying. You
know how I would like to die?
YOUNGER ANNIE
No, how?
JERRY
I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
ALVY'S VOICE
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
ANNIE'S VOICE
Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor,
and look at him, he's neat-looking and he
was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you
like emotion too much.
Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as
she raises her foot toward his chest.
JERRY
Touch my heart ... with your foot.
ALVY'S VOICE
I-I may throw up!
CUT BACK TO:
EXTERIOR. BEACH-DUSK
It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The camera moves over
the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the
camera always one step ahead of them.
ANNIE
He was creepy.
ALVY
Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I
came along.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!
ALVY
La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever told
me that I would be taking out a girl who
used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .
ANNIE
Oh, that's right. That you really like
those New York girls.
ALVY
Well, no ... not just, not only.
ANNIE
Oh, I'd say so. You married-
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT
A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and
Robin make their way through the people. A waiter, carrying a tray, walks
past them. Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks
it of the tray first. There is much low-key chatter in the background.
ANNIE
(Off screen)
-two of them.
ROBIN
There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair
in history at Princeton. Oh, the short
man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair
in philosophy at Cornell.
ALVY
Yeah, two more chairs and they got a
dining-room set.
ROBIN
Why are you so hostile?
ALVY
(Sighing)
'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on
television.
ROBIN
(Squinting)
Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice
to the host because he's publishing my
book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt.
"A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."
They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped
in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.
ALVY
(Taking Robin's hand)
I'm so tired of spending evenings making
fake insights with people who work for
Dysentery.
ROBIN
Commentary.
ALVY
Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and
Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.
ROBIN
No jokes-these are friends, okay?
INT. BEDROOM
Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.
TV ANNOUNCER
(Off screen)
Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New
York Knicks.
Robin enters the room, slamming the door.
ROBIN
Here you are. There's people out there.
ALVY
Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two
minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen
points, and now ...
(Clears his throat)
they're ahead two points.
ROBIN
Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group
of pituitary cases trying to stuff the
ball through a hoop?
ALVY
(Looking at Robin)
What's fascinating is that it's physical.
You know, it's one thing about intellectuals,
they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant
and have no idea what's going on. But on the
other hand ...
(Clears his throat)
the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.
Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses her and moves
farther up on the bed.
ROBIN
Stop acting out.
She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.
ALVY
No, it'll be great! It'll be great,
be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in
there, you know, like ... discussing
models of alienation and we'll be in
here quietly humping.
He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.
ROBIN
Alvy, don't! You're using sex to
express hostility.
ALVY
"'Why-why do you always r-reduce my
animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?'
(Clears his throat)
he said as he removed her brassiere..."
ROBIN
(Pulling away again)
There are people out there from The New
Yorker magazine. My God! What would they
think?
She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and moves toward the
door.
INT. APARTMENT-NIGHT
Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness. Outside, a siren starts
blaring.
ROBIN
Oh, I'm sorry!
ALVY
Don't get upset!
ROBIN
Dammit! I was so close.
She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side. Alvy turns to her.
ALVY
(Gesturing)
Jesus, last night it was some guy honking
his car horn. I mean, the city can't
close down. You know, what-whatta yuh
gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the
airport, too? No more flights so we can
have sex?
ROBIN
(Reaching over for her eyeglasses
on the night table)
I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My
analyst says I should live in the country
and not in New York.
ALVY
Well, I can't li- We can't have this
discussion all the time. The country
makes me nervous. There's ... You got
crickets and it-it's quiet ... there's
no place to walk after dinner, and... uh,
there's the screens with the dead moths
behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the
Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and
Terry-
ROBIN
(Interrupting)
Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm
too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?
She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.
ALVY
Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can-we
can start again.
ROBIN
I can't.
ALVY
What-
ROBIN
My head is throbbing.
ALVY
Oh, you got a headache!
ROBIN
I have a headache.
ALVY
Bad?
ROBIN
Oswald and ghosts.
ALVY
Jesus!
He begins to get out of bed.
ROBIN
Where are you going?
ALVY
Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in a
series of cold showers.
EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB.
Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door of the locker
room to the lobby. They are dressed in tennis whites. They walk toward the
indoor court.
ROB
Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to
the showers-
ALVY
Right, right, so g-get back to what we
were discussing, the failure of the
country to get behind New York City is-is
anti-Semitism.
ROB
Max, the city is terribly worried.
ALVY
But the- I'm not discussing politics or
economics. This is foreskin.
ROB
No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient
out. Every time some group disagrees with
you it's because of anti-Semitism.
ALVY
Don't you see? The rest of the country looks
upon New York like we're-we're left-wing
Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers.
I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I
live here.
ROB
Max, if we lived in California, we could
play outdoors every day, in the sun.
ALVY
Sun is bad for yuh. Everything our parents
said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat,
college ...
INT. TENNIS COURT
Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding tennis rackets
and balls. They are chattering and giggling.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I know, but ooh- here he comes. Okay.
Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women. Rob kisses Janet
and makes introduction.
ROB
You know Alvy?
JANET
Oh, hi, Alvy.
ANNIE
(To Rob)
How are yuh?
ROB
(To Alvy)
You know Annie?
JANET
I'm sorry. This is Annie Hall.
ALVY
Hi.
ANNIE
Hi.
Annie and Alvy shake hands.
JANET
(Laughing)
Alvy.
ROB
(Eager to begin)
Who's playing who here? Alvy Well, uh ...
you and me against them?
ANNIE
(Overlapping Alvy)
Well ... so ... I can't play too good,
you know.
JANET
(Laughing)
I've had four lessons!
The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie moving to the other
side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing where they are. They start to play
mixed doubles, each taking turns and playing well. At one point in the game,
Annie starts to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward her.
ALVY
(Hitting the halt back)
Holy gods!
INT. LOBBY
Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag. One knee is on the bench and his
back is turned from the entrance. Annie walks toward the entrance door dressed
in street clothes and carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder. Seeing Alvy,
she stops and turns.
ANNIE
Hi. Hi, hi.
ALVY
(Looking over his shoulder)
Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.
ANNIE
(Hands clasped in front of her,
smiling)
Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly
toward the door.
ALVY
(Clearing his throat)
You-you play ... very well.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah? So do you. Oh, God, whatta-
(Making sounds and laughing)
whatta dumb thing to say, right? I mean,
you say it, "You play well," and right
away ... I have to say well. Oh, oh ...
God, Annie.
(She gestures with her hand)
Well ... oh, well ... la-de-da, la-de-da,
la-la.
She turns around and moves toward the door.
ALVY
(Still looking over his shoulder)
Uh ... you-you wanna lift?
ANNIE
(Turning and aiming her thumb over
her shoulder)
Oh, why-uh ... y-y-you gotta car?
ALVY
No, um ... I was gonna take a cab.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, no, I have a car.
ALVY
You have a car?
(Annie smiles, hands folded in
front of her)
So ...
(Clears his throat)
I don't understand why ... if you have a
car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do
you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?
ANNIE
I don't ...
(Laughing)
I don't ... Geez, I don't know, I've ...
I wa- This ... yeah, I got this VW out
there ...
(Laughing and gesturing toward
the door)
What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a lift?
ALVY
(Zipping up his bag)
Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?
ANNIE
Me? Oh, downtown!
ALVY
Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.
ALVY
Uh, well, you just said you were going
downtown.
ANNIE
Yeah, well, I'm, but I ...
Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns his bag around,
the handle of the tennis racket bits Annie between the legs.
ALVY
(Laughing)
So sorry.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live
uptown, but ... uh, what the hell, I mean,
it'd be nice having company, you know
I mean, I hate driving alone.
ALVY
(Making sounds)
Yeah.
They walk out the door.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET- DAY
Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street near the East River.
ALVY
So, how long do you know Janet? Where
do you know her from?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, I'm in her acting class.
ALVY
Oh - you're an actress.
ANNIE
Well, I do commercials, sort of ...
She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way. A horn blows.
ALVY
I, uh ... well, you're not from New
York, right?
ANNIE
No, Chippewa Falls.
ALVY
Right!
(A pause)
Where?
ANNIE
Wisconsin.
ALVY
(Finally reacting)
Uh, you're driving a-
ANNIE
Uh, don't worry, I'm a very-
(A car moves closer to the VW,
almost on top of it in the wrong
direction. Annie swerves away at
the very last minute)
-a very good driver.
(Alvy rubs his head nervously,
staring out the window as Annie
speeds along)
So, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?
Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.
ALVY
No, no thanks. Hey, don't-
ANNIE
Well, where is it? I-
ALVY
No, no, no, no, you just ... just watch
the road. I'll get it-
ANNIE
Okay.
They both fumble around in her pocketbook. Alvy looks up to see the entire
front of a truck in Annie's windshield. She swerves just in time.
ALVY
-for yuh.
ANNIE
Okay, that's good.
Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down the city streets.
ANNIE
All right.
ALVY
I'll getcha a piece.
ANNIE
Yeah ... so, listen-you drive?
ALVY
Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta
problem with driving.
ANNIE
Oh, you do?
ALVY
Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but I
have too much hostility.
ANNIE
Oh, right.
ALVY
Nice car.
ANNIE
(A bit rapidly)
Huh?
ALVY
You keep it nice.
(He pulls a half-eaten sandwich
out of her bag)
Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?
ANNIE
Huh? Oh, yeah.
EXT. STREET-DAY
Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds the corner.
ANNIE
I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!
There's a parking space!
With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the parking spot.
Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his shoulder as he leaves the car.
ALVY
That's okay, you ... we-we can walk to
the curb from here.
ANNIE
Don't be funny.
ALVY
You want your tennis stuff?
ANNIE
Huh? Oh ... yeah.
ALVY
You want your gear? Here you go.
Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis equipment. He
hands her her things. People pass by on the street.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well...
ALVY
(Sighing)
Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're
a wonderful tennis player.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh.
Alvy shakes hands with Annie.
ALVY
You're the worst driver I've ever seen
in my life . . . that's including any place
... the worst ... Europe, United ... any
place ... Asia.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah.
ALVY
And I love what you're wearin'.
Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.
ANNIE
Oh, you do? Yeah? Oh, well, it's uh
... this is, uh ... this tie is a present,
from Grammy Hall.
Annie flips the bottom of the tie.
ALVY
Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?
ANNIE
(Laughing and nodding her head)
Yeah, my grammy.
ALVY
You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you
do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Yeah, I know.
ALVY
Your grammy!
ANNIE
I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?
ALVY
Jesus, my-my grammy ... n-never gave
gifts, you know. She-she was too busy
getting raped by Cossacks.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Well ...
ALVY
Well ... thank you again.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah, yeah.
ALVY
I'll see yuh.
ANNIE
(Overlapping, gesturing)
Hey, well, listen ... hey, you wanna
come upstairs and, uh ... and have a
glass of wine and something? Aw, no,
I mean ... I mean, you don't have to,
you're probably late and everything else ...
ALVY
No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure.
ANNIE
You sure?
ALVY
(Overlapping)
No, I got time.
ANNIE
Okay.
ALVY
Sure, I got ... I got nothing, uh,
nothing till my analyst's appointment.
They move toward Annie's apartment building.
ANNIE
Oh, you see an analyst?
ALVY
Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.
ANNIE
Fifteen years?
ALVY
Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more
year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.
ANNIE
Fifteen-aw, come on, you're . . . yeah,
really?
INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT
Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment. There are lots of books, framed
photographs on the white wall. A terrace can be seen from the window. He
picks up a copy of Ariet, by Sylvia Platb, as Annie comes out of the kitchen
carrying two glasses. She hands them to Alvy.
ALVY
Sylvia Plath.
ANNIE
M'hm...
ALVY
Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide
was misinterpreted as romantic, by the
college-girl mentality.
ANNIE
Oh, yeah.
ALVY
Oh, sorry.
ANNIE
Right. Well, I don't know, I mean, uh,
some of her poems seem - neat, you know.
ALVY
Neat?
ANNIE
Neat, yeah.
ALVY
Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen
seventy-five, you know that "neat" went
out, I would say, at the turn of the
century.
(Annie laughs)
Who-who are-who are those photos on
the wall?
ANNIE
(Moving over to the photographs)
Oh ... oh, well, you see now now, uh,
that's my dad, that's Father-and that's
my ... brother, Duane.
ALVY
Duane?
ANNIE
(Pointing)
Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is
Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.
ALVY
Well, who's Sadie?
ANNIE
Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie...
(Laughing)
Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through
Grammy's brother George. Uh, George was
real sweet, you know, he had that thing.
What is that thing where you, uh, where
you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a
sentence, you know-what is it? Uh ...
ALVY
Uh, narcolepsy.
ANNIE
Narcolepsy, right, right. Right. So,
anyway, so ...
(Laughing)
George, uh, went to the union, see, to
get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the
union always gave George this big turkey
at Christmas time because he was ...
(Annie points her fingers to each
side of her head, indicating George
was a little crazy)
shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the
First World War.
(Laughing hysterically, she opens
a cabinet door and takes out a
bottle of wine)
Anyway, so, so ...
(Laughing through the speech)
George is standing in line, oh, just a sec
...uh, getting his free turkey, but the
thing is, he falls asleep and he never
wakes up. So, so...
(Laughing)
so, he's dead ...
(Laughing)
he's dead. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well,
terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? I
mean, that's pretty unfortunate.
Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her speech.
ALVY
Yeah, it's a great story, though, I
mean, I... I ... it really made my day.
Hey, I think I should get outta here,
you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing,
you know ...
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, really? Oh, well ... uh, uh, maybe,
uh, maybe, we, uh ...
ALVY
... and ... uh, yeah, uh ... uh, you
know, I-I-I...
They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the glasses, Annie the
wine. They stand in front of the railing, Annie pouring the wine into the
held-out glasses.
ANNIE
Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.
ALVY
No, I know, but ... but, you know, I'm
all perspired and everything.
ANNIE
Well, didn't you take, uh ... uh, a
shower at the club?
ALVY
Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower
in a public place.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Why not?
ALVY
'Cause I don't like to get naked in front
of another man, you know-it's, uh ...
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Oh, I see, I see.
ALVY
You know, I don't like to show my body
to a man of my gender-
ANNIE
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess-
ALVY
-'cause, uh, you never know what's
gonna happen.
ANNIE
(Sipping her wine and laughing)
Fifteen years, huh?
ALVY
Fifteen years, yeah.
ANNIE
Yeah. Oh, God bless!
They put their glasses together in a toast.
ALVY
God bless.
ANNIE
(Laughing)
Well, uh ...
(Pausing)
You're what Grammy Hall would call a
real Jew.
ALVY
(Clearing his throat)
Oh, thank you.
ANNIE
(Smiling)
Yeah, well ... you-She hates Jews. She
thinks that they just make money, but let
me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah,
is she ever. I'm tellin' y
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